I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…
Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.
Had 06:30 flight to the U.S.
Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.
Took retainer away and scolded puppy.
Went to get tooth brush.
Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.
Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch.
I LOST MY MIND!!!
Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury.
Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.
After completing her business, dog went into the kennel.
She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.
It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.
Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.
Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.
My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:
Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More
I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.