Things My Wife Has Said – Volume IV

October 9, 2018 / Matt Talley / 4 Comments

My sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, funny, smart, awesome wife has the best one-liners. I have taken to writing them down and saving them like little jewels. This is the fourth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

I was trying to be funny and I told my wife that I am sort of like an Uber driver: my beard gives rides for cash. She laughed so hard that wine came out of her nose. When recovered, she gave me $1 and said that she “expected change when her ride was done…”
“Boys who buy their wives sewing machines get favors…”
“Truffle (our female French Bulldog) is a Goddamn snuggle tyrant!”
“Man buns are just comb-overs for hipsters.”
I came home from work and went downstairs to check on how Stamps-With-Foot was doing on the bathroom paint progress. I found her naked, covered in purple paint, and listening to Tupac. When questioned about the state of things she said: “I didn’t want to get paint on my jammies, so I painted naked.”
While out to dinner before seeing a a movie, my wife said: “You might be the Anti-Christ: Since I met you I eat pork, have condoned killing trees for a better view, and was singing along happily to Katy Perry this morning.”
“There should be an escort service for puppies and baby piggies. You could snuggle and love them for an hour and the give them back.”
“I don’t really like any Fructose Corn Syrup, but I really hate it when is high.”
“What is wrong with you?! You bought $60 worth of Girl Scout Cookies into our house, left town, and I am on my period. What the fuck were you thinking?!?!
While standing in the kitchen, very early and wearing a bathrobe: “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
“Budgeting is sexy.”
“Do my boobs look too big in this shirt?” It was a trap.
She went to the wax place on a Saturday and came in the house that afternoon with Vampirella arches above her eyes and asked: “What do you think of my eyebrows?” It was also a trap.
I went snowboarding for the 1st time since hip reconstruction and I was forbidden by my wife to drop into the terrain park. When I got home I was questioned thoroughly. I was honest and said that there were no drops or rails or big air, but admitted taking small jump (more of a hop really) along one of the runs. I got “the look” and she made pre-tirade grumpy noises. I said quickly and defensively: “But I didn’t go into the terrain park!” My sugar sweet, tiny, gentle, accepting, loving, kind wife then said: “Huh?!, that is sort of like you saying ‘but I just got a blowjob from that hooker, I didn’t put it in her butt.'” Seriously, she said that. I was caught unaware, had no response, and couldn’t utter a sound in my defense, mostly due to the shock that those specific words had come out of her mouth at all and in that particular order….. She then hid one of my boarding boots for a couple of weeks.

What I Want Thursday – April 13th, 2017

April 13, 2017 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Below are the things that I really want and that are present for me today:

To unclutter my life: less superfluous stuff
For my hip to be 100% and to never have to use crutches again
A wish for Brodie to be well and 100% cancer free
More time with my children and family.
Sunshine!!
Summer BBQs and cold rosé in the back yard.
For the basement (mostly the bathroom) to be done.
Hand-written letters – on actual paper – from my kids, friends and family.
A warm, sunny beach vacation
For the US Political system not to be dysfunctional and a little/lot less crazy

Brodie is having surgery again today

April 12, 2017 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Brodie, our 9-year old French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix, is having surgery today. This is his 2^nd in three weeks. He had a growth on his foot that was causing him to limp and three days after I had hip surgery, my wife took him to the vet to have it removed. The pathology came back as a Basal Cell Carcinoma and they didn’t get it all with the first surgery. It has been really hard on Stamp-With-Foot. I am down with the hip, not able to even tie my own shoes yet and she has had to deal with me, work, veterinary oncology appointments, Dr. bills, diving me to appointments, our health insurance, pet insurance, our 2016 taxes, house stuff, etc. The issue with Brodie has hit her really hard and there have been lots of tears and lots of worry.

Brodie is, after all, my wife’s “fur-child.” She loves him with all of her heart. True story: We took some of our wedding pictures with Brodie and while posting some of them on Facebook, my bride cut me out of one photo and pasted the “new” one of just her and Brodie – he was wearing a bow tie and looked smug.

The prognosis for his full recovery after surgery is really good. They are going to have to take one or two toes, but the disease has not metastasized into his lungs or lymph nodes, so the amputation will hopefully be the end of it.

4/24/2017 Update:

Great News! We got the tests back and it looks like they got everything by removing the one outside left front toe. We are all very relieved! Brodie just wants the bandage off, the Cone of Shame to go away forever, and all the stitches out. He has take the bandage off himself like 4 times, much to the displeasure of Stamps-With-Foot.

Stuff My Wife Says – Volume II

January 10, 2017 / Matt Talley / 5 Comments

I have written previously about some of the things that have come up in conversation with my sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, awesome wife. Well, with the passage of time I have… err… SHE has more to say on the subject. Enjoy:

I was splashing my wife in the hot tub the other night and she yells “Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!!” It is apparently her new “safe word”. My safe word is bacon.
While Living in France, we bought a lot of wine that we brought back to the US. Most of it is in the normal .75L size bottle, but there are some .375L demi-bouteilles, a few 1.5L magnums, and one 3L double magnum bottle as well. Stamps-With-Foot has taken to calling the .375L bottles “Juice Boxes.” I teased her that it is because they would fit in her lunch box. She looked up at me with smiling, happy, dreamy eyes, then over at her 1984 metal Thundercats lunch box (really that is what she takes to work) and said, “Yes… they would…”
Long story short, I made a crude off hand remark about a lady who’s “carpet matched the drapes”. Instead of smacking me for being a misogynistic and sexist asshole, my wife looked at me with great annoyance and said sarcastically “Great, now I have to think about her snatch!” I had nothing more to say.
I failed to use my turn signal in moderate traffic while driving near limousine, France and lamented that I was being a bad/unsociable driver. Stamps-With-Foot said offhandedly while looking out the window: “Fuck that. This is France, do you know how many of these motherfuckers have cut me off over the last two years? Fuck them.” 30 seconds later she got all excited, bright eyed, wiggling in her seat with joy & happiness over a fortified Chateau we were passing.
My lovely bride walked into the living room the other night with her phone and computer in hand while wearing mix-matched PJs. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she shot back with, “This is as sexy as it gets tonight, maybe all weekend.” Fair enough.
We went out to my company’s winter event just after New Year’s and Stamps-With-Foot looked killer in a long tight velvet dress. As we were getting ready, she looked at me and said, “Tonight is a two drink minimum night”. I started to correct her and she stopped me, making it plain that she did not misspeak and that I was the Designated Driver for the evening.
“I love puppies, diamonds, and PJs – in that order.” Not sure why she said this. It just popped up out of the blue one Saturday afternoon.
Two months after the 2016 presidential election, I casually mentioned talking the “Bernie” sticker off her car window. She snapped back, “You will not touch it! I love that wrinkly old motherfucker and I need to hold onto the faith for a while.” Ok… Me no touchy…
Our female French bulldog, Truffle, has a big personality and is super lovable. She is also pushy, selfish, sneaky, petty. During one painful week long interlude, she puked on my chest while I was asleep, pissed in Stamps-With-Foot’s car seat because we “made” her wear a sweater in 30 degree temperatures, tried to pee on my pillow because I had the audacity to move her from my spot at bedtime, puked on an antique wool Persian rug, took a dump on the front porch because the grass was wet, fucked up a couch pillow, tore the heart out of Brodie’s favorite toy, she chewed up 3 pencils, stole food from Brodie, and went all Cujo on a contractor working at the house. My wife looked at me one morning and said, “No more girl dogs. They are too much work. Just boy dogs – they can be gay though.” I had no words.

Apartment Therapy didn’t want what we got…

May 27, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We sort of have a Wood-Craft/Bohemian/Bookworm thing going for our living room, den, and dining room decor at our place in France. Stamps-With-Foot just sort of let me go and only said no to the anvil for a sofa table idea. She hasn’t just sat on the chaise lounge and popping bon-bons in her mouth – all the curtains in the whole house are here doing and the flowers that seem to be magically refreshed every few days is all her as well. Everyone that we have had over loves it and one guest said: “It is so lovely that your company provides you with a professionally decorated home…” I was a little taken aback; embarrassed and proud at the same time.

The wooden extension ladder bookshelf was my first project after we moved here and I have sort of built around that, adding a few pieces: a workbench turned into a buffet/TV table, the lathe book shelf, an assortment of Moroccan and Turkish rugs, an antique or two, a few unique bits & bobbles, some paintings, a chest or two, a small bench, etc…

The rest of the place isn’t too shabby either with a dedicated sewing room for my wife, a 1000+ lending library that we house and run, a great shop space, my office that is plywood-modern, a guest room out of the 1930’s with all sorts of girly pretty things (also my wife’s touch). Our bedroom is all dark wood, yellow curtains with sage green accents, and my son’s room/other guest room is bright and happy. The quiet and secluded backyard has an outdoor dining area and grill, fluffy green grass, lots of flowers, and a shady spot for my hammock – the puppies are in heaven out there!

My ego got the best of me and I snapped off a couple of shots and sent them into Apartment Therapy, knowing that the site admin would go nuts for our place… nope, no response. Fine, I get it. I don’t NEED their validation, but I wouldn’t have kicked it out of bed either… Instead, I will post my non-professional, non-posed (except the one of us and the puppies), snapshots of our house near Toulouse here as a tincture for my ego. In the end, my wife loves it, which matters the most and one needs a happy wife if one wants a happy life.

Stuff My Wife Says:

May 4, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife, Stamps-With-Foot, has a normally dry sense of humor and sometimes she is unintentionally hilarious. Other times I am shocked at some of the stuff that her brain comes up with that her sweet innocent little mouth then utters. I have been recording a few of them lately and the choicest pearls are below.

We bought a chocolate tart from a local patisserie on our way into town one afternoon. It was dairy free, gluten free, and egg free. After tasting it, my sweet tiny wife said, “What the fuck is this thing made of, unicorn tears?!”
She mixed the old and new high-priced boogie dog food together – three different flavors. The dogs refuse to touch it, so my wife has spent a fine portion of her evening sitting on the kitchen floor in her PJs sorting the kibble cussing and snarling about the “fucking spoiled-ass monsters” …and yet she went on doing it…
While at the Musee du Picasso, we walk by a surrealist blue woman reclining. My wife stopped and said, “I don’t really like it, but something draws you to the center of the painting.” I said half-joking, “Probably the huge anus in the middle.” and she shook her head knowingly and said nonchalantly, “Yes, that is probably it…”
At dinner the other night, my wife looked down at a not cheap glass of red wine and said softly, “Why can’t I quit you?!” she then took a sip. I think she was mentally calculating how much each taste cost.
My bride is a visual person: she has to see something real time to make a decision. This means that I often have to move a piece of furniture 5ish times before she decides to put it back in the original place. While doing this dance recently over a new piece of furniture, I sketched up the room and all the associated furnishings in MSVisio and she tried every possible combination. There was a plan. She had made a decision. When the day came to start moving that plan melted away like it never existed. Before we even started I mentioned my thoughts on correct placement, but she needed to “See” it. After moving it around and around in real-life a few times, she decided to put it the piece in the EXACT spot that I had pointed out initially. I uttered an under-toned ‘told you so…’ and she got all wide-eyed, stamped her foot, raised her voice and said, “You know I am a bad listener!”
Anytime that my sweet wife cannot remember the name of a town or a village, she calls it Hogsmeade. It doesn’t matter what country we are in or what historical significance that the place may have, if she can’t remember then it is her shorthand name, but I thought it was just kind of our own private nerdy joke. Nope. We had lunch in a small hamlet at the bottom of a glorious castle in Bavaria and in the accounting software we use she labeled it as “Lunch in Hogsmeade.” I almost want to be audited just so that I can show them that particular entry…
We were in discussion to add a dining room addition in our place in Seattle. Stamp-With-Foot has wanted a chandelier for years and said her only request was that we install one over the table. I jokingly said that “I didn’t get the memo for that” and it “…wouldn’t be possible unless the change notice request was submitted in writing.” She walked over to the whiteboard in my office and wrote in cute bubbly script: MEMO: Motherfukin’ Chandelier and then said, “Now you have it in writing.”

Puppies

April 5, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I have gotten a few comments and questions about our puppies, so here is the lowdown:

Brodie is our 8 year old male that is 1/2 French Bulldog and 1/2 Boston Terrier. He is a rescue that was once deemed by a shelter as “unadoptable.” NW Bulldog Haven stepped in and made sure that he got medical help for an eye issue and he found his forever home with us 6.5 years ago. When we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings and he is so much better than he was when he first came home. He is an awesome dog. He is smart and obedient and loves Stamps-With-Foot like the Pope love Jesus. He likes me fine and we are super-buddies when my wife is out of town for a day or two, but prefers her company and ignores me the very second her car pulls up. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur. We brought him to France with us and he loves it here – I think it is the duck breast, nibbles of cheese, and foie gras that he gets under the table.

After all the work socializing Brodie we decided that he was finally ready for a full time buddy. Right at exactly that same moment we found Truffle.

Truffle is a full-blooded and pedigreed French Bulldog with a brindle coat and a cute under-bite. While surfing the local chat group for a specific piece of furniture, I saw an add posted in French about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family (we decided later that was crap and someone got a “fashionable” dog and had no idea how to train or care for a Frenchie…). She and Brodie immediately got along, though she is a bit of the annoying little sister. She was a year old in July and is still very much a puppy. There have been a few issues: potty training, diet, her delicate digestive system, some minor health issues, etc…, but we have 99% of it worked out. We did, however, make the decision to take her out of the gene-pool and we had her spayed. Frenchies as a breed have a LOT of issues and if we breed her, then we would be perpetuating the problems.

She is SO sweet and lovable, but she is not a puppy-rocket scientist. She was gifted with beauty and personality instead. Truffle wants nothing in this world but to sit beside one of us all day or it is even better if she can touch both of us at the same time: Her self-assigned spot in the bed is between the two of us at shoulder level. She “helps” my wife put on makeup, is there to “assist” in making the bed or folding cloths. She NEEDS to come into the shop with me, but isn’t allowed because she eats wood shavings. Truffle looks so sad standing at the door looking at me in the shop and the second my head is turned, will sneak in.

Below is a photo dump of both puppies just being themselves.

Merry Christmas 2014!

December 25, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with Laughter, family, health, and prosperity!

~Matt and Laurel Talley

Four days in the US: lots of work, frenzied shopping, and severe jet lag

November 12, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…

Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.
 Had 06:30 flight to the U.S.  
Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.
 Took retainer away and scolded puppy.  Went to get tooth brush.  
Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.
 Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch.  
I LOST MY MIND!!!
 Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury.  
Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.
 After completing her business, dog went into the kennel.  
She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.
 It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.
 Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.

Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.

My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:

Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More

I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.

Our new puppy is part cat…

September 10, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Truffle has some cat DNA in there somewhere:

1. If you want to sleep and she doesn’t want you to there is a slobber attack. Don’t try to hide your head under the pillow – it won’t help you.
2. She will chase the laser pointer up the concrete column in the living room and go back to look for it an hour later.
3. Why would she eat her food, sleep in her bed, play with her toys? Brodie’s are so much better.
4. Apparently, her assigned spot in the bed is between my wife and me at shoulder level.
5. Oh, you want to write an email or get some work done? Nope, not on her watch. She will sit in your lap, lick the keyboard and grunt until you pet her full-time.
6. Yoga Mat? Wrong. Puppy play space. Move over.
7. You want to watch “your show”? Not during designated playtime you don’t. When is designated play time? What time does your show start?
8. Why would my wife want to put make-up on by herself when Truffle can help?
9. A relaxing bath for the Mrs…. Sure if she doesn’t mind Truffle standing at the side of the tub whimpering or lying beside it passing gas.
10. “What do you mean there is a no dogs on the table rule?!” We have learned that chairs and benches have to be pushed in so that we do have to share our meals.
11. She CAN get in the bed by herself, but why would she do that? Standing beside the bed with her nose and front paws on the mattress and whining until the bald pink monkeys put her up there is a winning strategy, so why should she expand the energy?

Weekend Update – the gods of lawn maintenance are displeased

August 18, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had a national holiday in France on Friday and I made the most of my 3-day weekend.

Instead of the stuff I needed to do I did this:

1. Got up at 7:30 on a holiday
2. Went up into the mountains with a group of Expats for a hike and a picnic – got some great pictures and had fine food
3. Worked on a design for wooden wine box/kitchen cabinets
4. Completely filled my Leuctterm1917 design sketch notebook – took 2 years
5. Watched a girlie movie with my sweet wife
6. Started a new notebook – a Rhodia Webbie this time (I like the paper better)
7. Spent too much time on the interwebs
8. Started formal permit process for garage shop and apartment above at our place in Seattle
9. Sanded, sealed and painted the “T” supports for the workbench/buffet table
10. Rough turned 4 oak bowls from a piece of tree blown down in a storm
11. Sent some e-mails out that I had let sit too long
12. Coated the bowls in wax and will let them cure for a year.
13. Cleaned and organized GROP – oak shavings were EVERY where
14. Composted the shavings with some grass and kitchen scraps
15. Sharpened all my lathe chisels
16. Brained myself on a low hanging bike – said f-word more than once
17. Went to a run along the river
18. Called my Mom and talked for a bit
19. Checked on the kids
20. Cut first 5” top sections for Cornebarrieu Workbench
21. Need a proper circle saw… the 18v battery saw is out of it league on 1.5” beech
22. Worked on the small cabinet rosettes for our neighbor – he also asked me to install a shelf while I was at it…
23. Played with the puppies – while Stamps-With-Foot had a girls night
24. Got sucked into Pinterest
25. Updated website a little (here and Tumblr)
26. Watched a little too much TV/YouTube
27. Took puppies for a walk around neighborhood a couple of times
28. Rode my bike about 10 miles – muddy
29. Cleaned and tuned single-speed bike
30. Played with puppies
31. Did some grilling with beer in hand 
32. Got up Sunday morning and worked for a few hours, – because I thought it was Monday. Damn it!
33. Closed office door and did not return for 24 hours
34. Told wife her hair was very pretty
35. Went for a walk with wife and puppies
36. Made a small parts organizer out of a broken wood bowl
37. Got glue on my favorite shorts
38. Wrote some snail-mail
39. Surfed the interwebs until I fell asleep with the iPad on my chest…
40. I did not mow the yard again. The gods of lawn maintenance are displeased with me.

Puppy Narcissism

August 6, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Our dog is awesome. Everyone that we know likes him and he is even allowed in peoples’ homes that don’t even allow other dogs in their yard! His happiness means a lot to us and we take really good care of him: Warmed gourmet food, toys, lovin’, walks, cheese under the table, loads of attention, snugglein’, fur rugs to nap on, etc… I have told my wife repeatedly, that if I am reincarnated, my first choice would be to come back as her puppy (minus the whole neutering thing…)

Anyway, when we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. It has meant that he has had only us to hang out with and sometimes he gets a little board of the pink monkeys that share his space. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur…

We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings. A recent week+ visit to the puppy spa (really) while we were in Paris convinced us that he was finally ready for a full time buddy – he did great, made multiple friends of different breeds and there was not one incident of bullying or aggression. Right then, the stars aligned and we heard about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family.

When we went to meet her, it was like when my wife met Brodie for the first time: the puppy latched onto Stamps-With-foot, sat down in her lap, applied wet kisses, decided we were good people, and staked her claim. We introduced her to Brodie and they immediately got along. The deal was sealed.

Meet Truffle. She is the newest member of the family.

I just threw the waterlily picture in because it was pretty and from Truffle’s first walk in Toulouse.

Very Productive Weekend – except in the yard.

August 3, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I did not mow the yard this weekend. It just didn’t happen. I meant to and I wanted to… I even took the mower and cord out, but it just didn’t happen. Instead I did this:

1. Redesigned the top of the workbench that I am building.
2. Threatened for 148th time to quit Facebook.
3. Didn’t quite
4. Updated status
5. Cleaned and organized GROP a little while grumbling about my lack of willpower
6. Worked on a J-O-B related spreadsheet
7. Finished bookends for wife – made from Victorian andirons.
8. Cut the base (legs and stretchers) for my workbench.
9. Turned two sets of TINY rosettes for our neighbor to replace a couple that are missing from a piece of furniture – help the neighbors when you can.
10. Put together a set of I-beams to reinforce a table top that is warping – they do that after 250-300 years…
11. Gave my wife a foot rub.
12. Glued up some maple blanks to turn later on
13. Played with the puppies – there are two now.
14. Got sucked into Pinterest
15. Watched a little TV/YouTube
16. Took puppies for a walk around neighborhood
17. Turned a small jar lid for wife out of some scrap cherry
18. Drank some Spanish rosé with wife and had a nice home cooked Thai meal
19. Fixed front door lock at 1:00am
20. Had weird dreams Saturday night
21. Slept in – new puppy had first good night’s sleep 🙂
22. Puppy sat while wife got her hair cut.
23. Told wife her hair was very pretty
24. We took puppies into Toulouse to meet some friends for coffee
25. Walked in park with wife and puppies.
26. Cut and chiseled joints in to ½ of the workbench legs
27. Sucked into Pinterest vortex again
28. Sent some J-O-B e-mail
29. Talked to my mom
30. Text messaged with my daughter
31. Tried to call my son – he was out with friends. Teenagers… 🙂
32. Played with puppies
33. Sent some more work-related e-mail
34. Told wife hair was pretty again
35. Made a tiny adjustment to kitchen island at wife’s request
36. Wrote a snail-mail letter to my aunt and son
37. Filled out a couple of post cards
38. Updated website a little
39. Looked at work calendar for tomorrow – very full.
40. Said dirty words…
41. Went downstairs to snuggle wife, puppies and to stay up too late on Pinterest or stupid Facebook.

My Wife REALLY loves her puppy

June 30, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Stamp-With-Foot loves me, of that I have no doubt. At times though, I think that I am second fiddle to her puppy. They have been together almost 6 years and are somehow physically and psychically linked – really. No two beings are more complete and happy than when the two of them are snuggling on the couch. They become a single entity. It took a year for Brodie to even acknowledge my existence and now he sees me as his butler and chauffeur. I make yummy food and give great scratching, but and am, in truth, an accessory that comes along with his mommy. I walked into my home office the other day and I found the below drawn on my white-board:

Our French Jardin

June 27, 2014 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

With my J-O-B and all that we have going on here in France (work, travel, guests, work, work…) there is NO WAY that I can have a proper garden. To scratch my farming itch, I have been medium obsessive over the grass (I have not found the desire to begin a campaign of slaughter for the dandelions as yet) and have made our outside living space as nice a possible. The prior occupants of our house planted rosemary, sage, lavender (we have 5 different bee types on it right now), a couple of fruit trees and some bulbs that we are nursing a little the the color and life help with my primal need to make stuff grow.

We eat outside in the evenings a couple nights a week and I bought a sweet masonry grill from an English couple that were moving to Spain. The thing weighed a ton, but it works and looks great. In addition to grilling on weekend afternoons, I REALLY like to have my coffee in the shade of the porch out back if my schedule allows and the hammock has an assign spot in the shade. We see our back yard here as more of an outdoor room and have furnished it with a teak table set and the Adirondack lawn furniture that I made for Stamps-With-Foot a couple of years ago – she insisted we bring it from Seattle 🙂

Road Trip to the beach in Collioure, France

June 24, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We took a weekend road trip down to a small village near the Spanish border and stayed in a friend’s Aunt and Uncle’s Gite (sort of a B&B). Brodie came along and was fed all sort of yummies and got to pee on lots of new stuff – a very high priority on his list… We had a blast there and made side trips to the beach in Collioure on the French Mediterranean (VERY COOL), went to a local cherry harvest festival, and had many fine meals! Our friend’s aunt even made Stamps-With-Foot chouquettes, a local pastry specialty, for breakfast.

Carcassonne

April 21, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

The city, not the game.

My wife really likes castles. Really, Really! Ruins, Chateaus, piles of stone on the top of a lonely hill: they all make her swoon. We visit whenever we are in the vicinity of one and if such a visit won’t land us in jail for trespassing. I set the bar a little high on her 25th birthday when we spent a week touring wineries and castles along the Rhine and Mosel rivers. Now, castle-filled birthdays are are de rigueur and for the third anniversary of Stamps-With-Foot’s 29th birthday, we spent a long weekend in the walled City of Carcassonne and then a couple of days at a B&B in Limoux. Carcassonne was amazing – we were there two weeks before tourist season started in earnest and had many of the streets and restaurants almost to ourselves. Old walls, moats, a huge almost empty church, a high-walled keep, great food… I could go on and on.

Limoux was also a relaxing change of pace from our everyday life. I didn’t turn on my phone once to work and we may have brought three cases of wine and Blanquette (similar to Champagne) home with us. Brodie stayed with a house/puppy sitter while we were gallivanting about and when we got home he and my cute wife immediately snuggled down and took a nap. Below are a few of my pictures and here is the link to her website and more pictures from the trip.

Weekend

February 10, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had a pretty good weekend:

The house is coming together and I got a couple of small projects done. I hung a hand-tool only built pull-up bar outside to facilitate working out at home. With help from Stamps-With-Foot, I hung what used to be an old rickety wooden ladder in the living room. I sanded, stained, and varnished it into what is now a sweet bookshelf. We also picked up a couple of chairs, a wooden chest, and a large stone BBQ grill from a couple that are moving from France to Spain soon. The grill is moulded concrete and stone, came in 6 pieces, and weights close to 350 pounds. It super sucked getting it moved into place!

Part of Saturday was spent trying to update and setup my new work computer. There was some sort of sync error and all my previous back-ups are gone from the work server so I am starting with nothing. It is somewhat depressing and a metric shit-ton of work! At one point I had to take a break and we took Brodie for a long, muddy walk on a nearby trail. He was all in until it started raining and sleeting sideways on our way backup the house. He WANTS to be a giant farm dog right up until the reality of it smacks him in the face. Then, he wants to go home and snuggle under a blanket…

Saturday night was spent out in Toulouse. We had a Vietnamese dinner with 10+ people from an English speaking group. It was really nice to get out of the house and not think about my computer woes.

We went for a drive in the country Sunday, stopped by a craft market so that Stamps-With-Foot could peruse fabric for quilt pieces. After the crafty thing, we ate very long lunch in a tiny village restaurant 40 minutes north of Toulouse. We were seated at a table with a very sweet French couple who were very happy to talk to us, let my sweet/adorable wife try her new French vocabulary, and the food was Excellent! Brodie went and was perfectly mannered – he sat under the table the whole time while his mommy slipped him slivers duck breast.

Sunday night was filled with more work on my computer and some dirty words and wishes of bodily injury for the person that jacked my other computer.

France – The first 30 days.

January 11, 2014 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Still Love France.
My French has gotten SO bad.
I did forget how slow things are to get done here.
You want a buy/lease a car? Three weeks-ish.
You want cable and internet? 1 month.
Want it to work? 1 more week and 14 phone calls
Love my J-O-B
No such thing as coffee to go… even if you get it in a tiny paper/plastic cup, there is no lid.
Really like the house here. The 16″ thick concrete walls and steel shutters give it a homey crypt-like feeling.
Miss our house in Seattle.
There are doctors who speak English, but their receptionists who book the appointments don’t…
You want groceries on Sunday? Nope, not going to happen
I also forgot how amazing the eggs and meet are.
Want to sit and have coffee and talk to my mom, miss that.
Bread goes with EVERYTHING! Awesome bread.
Having a really hard time finding a shop that sells wood lathes – only power tool I want/need here.
The weather here in winter is better than summer in Hamburg.
Miss my furniture. We have been “Camping” since Halloween and I am about 99.9999% done sitting on the floor to eat my dinner.
Want my tools like a junkie wants their cooking spoon.
Stamps-With-Foot is buying enough cheese to make the regional sale figures blip.
Our dog< Brodie, has fully integrated and will cop a squat in the middle of the street, sneering at anyone who dares to question his right to do so. He goes to restaurants with us like he is a little prince. The wife slips him duck breast, cote of Beaof, and aged cheese under the table. I had 2 glasses of $4 wine that we bought at the grocery store with dinner tonight. It was awesome. No, truly. Wish my kids were here. I miss Starbucks, but I have a Killer espresso machine in the kitchen. Can now watch Netflix and BBC One with country specific VPN accounts - sticking it to the man! Miss my bikes. Can't wait for them to arrive next week (insert giddy face) The designer dog food here is sold in breed specific bags - really. It is crap, but it is packaged well. I have lost a little weight because I am not eating crap and started running again. Very, very nice wooded trail near house - miles and miles long. Flying to Florida for work next week and am bringing home coffee beans, dry dog food, and Cajun Seasoning. Packed an extra duffle bag... Went for a drive in the country today and happened by a 16^th century chalet with turrets and a moat about an hour form the house.
The thought of Stamps-With-Foot driving in France scares the Hell out of me!
Life is damn fine on the whole.

A Few Turns of the Lathe

December 15, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

After our house was packed up and loaded on a container-ship bound for the Panama Canal and on to the Port of Marseilles, the only tool I had were my lathe chisels, so I made use of the time and spun out a few odds and ends: a few cord pull handles for the florescent lights in the basement. two jar lids for Stamps-With -Foot, a wooden pestle (2 actually) for kitchen herb grinding and a short honey dipper for her as well.

From the same section of wood as the pestles, I turned some small bun feet for Brodie’s new food & water bowl stand. I re-turned my ash carving mallet to change the handle profile and add some ring details. As I was in the mallet mood, I made general use wood working mallet for my brother-in-law out of a Baseball Bat and reused the bat’s pommel and turned it into a foot massage nubbin for my wife. I got points in the ledger for to wife-specific items. Always a good thing.

Almost there

December 4, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We are almost French residents.

There was sun and left-over snow on the ground when we left Seattle. We made the 9 hour Amsterdam flight without issue and are sitting in the KLM lounge waiting for our Toulouse flight. The sun rose as we were landing and gave us a spectacular show for our first morning as nouveau European: the whole new beginning theme seemed appropriate. Brodie was a CHAMP and slept through the whole flight. Stamps-With-Foot had to clear customs and go outside the airport for his potty break because he REFUSES to potty under a roof. Such a good boy! At this very instant my cute wife is taking his picture to post on Facebook. Today happens to be his birthday and he has been promised steak for dinner…

Our dog is better traveled than some of the people we know

November 11, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Brodie took his first flight this week – a training flight for the Seattle to Toulouse journey that is coming up. Stamps-With-Foot has made the proper arrangements for him to fly in the cabin with us and we wanted to both see how he would do and practice dealing with his needs as well. She packed his bag the night before and included snacks, his sock-monkey bed, sweaters, etc. He looked suspiciously at the luggage tag with his picture on it more than once.

On the day of the flight, he did better than us in the taxi on the way to the airport – I wonder if they teach drivers in Seattle Taxi school the proper break/gas/break/gas/break stomp technique or if you have to take a pre-test for making passengers car sick before you can qualify for a hack license. One of life’s little mysteries….

Brodie did great at the security checkpoint and was fine right up until we went into the jet-bridge: he decided it was then time to crawl into his mommy’s lap and then into the sweater with her – she had to carry him to our seats. Both the flight attendants and the passengers around us liked the shit out of him! Everyone was all smiles, like the ones the ladies in my office get when someone brings in a new baby.

He was a little nervous during take-off, but settled down into the monkey bed and took a nap.. The drugs from the vet probably helped with that. He napped most of the way and a had a little snack of airline cheese and salami – airline food for dinner. Brodie really didn’t like the landing! We came in a little fast and there were some bumps; he was not amused.

Brodie did great in the city, down at the wharf, in City Lights Books, at lunch he sat quietly under the table, and was even OK in Chinatown, but we had to pick him up a few times because of the crowds. All and all it was a successful trial run and we learned not to get him high too soon, to plan airport potty breaks and to get a luggage cart (no matter how much it goes against my grain) as trying to manage a roller bag, a shoulder bag, and a puppy on a leash is somewhat nerve wracking.

Update 12/5/13:

Brodie has now been to Amsterdam and has flown into France to become an official French resident. For Christmas, he is going to Germany. He needs his own travel blog, but it would mostly feature places he napped, food that was handed to him under the table, and good spots to pee on.

Brodie – 2013

July 20, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Stamps-With-Foot and I are puppy narcissists – mostly her. We love our dog. Everyone loves our dog, even the cat people in our life. He gets his picture taken – a lot…

Some Big News…

May 1, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

So… My J-O-B has made us an offer that is very hard to refuse: a two year stint in the south of France and they will fly us home 3 times a year. We get to keep our house and I get to come back to my job in Seattle when that period ends. THE SOUTH OF FRANCE!! Warm weather, amazing wine, spectacular cheese, lavender, honey, the French vacation plan. We would be living outside of Toulouse – the third largest city in France. It sits at the foot of the Pyrenees Mountains, is an hour from the coast, has one of the 10 best Saturday markets in Europe (so says the interwebs), and has more sunshine in 6 weeks of summer than Seattle has all year. We are so freaking doing this!

There is some red tape that we have to cut through, namely a work permit. Since around 27% of the French population under 30 is out of work, getting a permit right now, even in the aerospace field, is tres difficile. Fingers crossed. If this happens, then The Nana will move into La Maison du Talley, pay the utilities, and keep the zombie horde away. Visualize a sweet grandmother rocking away on the front porch with a shotgun across her lap. Add a Marlboro hanging from the corner of her mouth and you will have an accurate picture of The Nana.

I will miss my shop and my yard for those two years, but I will plug the hole in my heart with Cote du Rhone, Comte, a day trip or 6 to the Mediterranean coast, weekends in Paris/Rome, sunshine, and a yearly vacation to Morocco. I will be taking a chest of hand tools and am planning on making some small detailed pieces while there. I also plan on scouring the flea markets over that two year period for planes, chisels, and joinery tools.

Stamps-With-Foot is not concerned about logistics or housing or much of anything other than “How is Brodie going to handle that long flight?!” She feels that we will be taking Brodie back to ancestral homeland and has spent some amount of time talking to the dog about this possibility – trying to get him psyched about the proposition…

Hanging out in our ‘hood this weekend

April 29, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had a quiet West Seattle weekend: Friends over on Friday and we all drank no small amount of great Italian wine and ate the last of our French Comte cheese. I worked around the house and in the shop (me and the lathe are friends) Saturday morning while Stamps-With-Foot nursed a touch of a hangover and snuggled with the Brodie – He didn’t complain. Sunday was lazy with Brunch at Meander’s in White Center (Go For the Chicken and Waffles!) and afternoon coffee at C&P. After coffee and reading, there was a trip to Trader Joe’s, home for left-overs, some quality hottub time, and then we finished the evening with glasses of port, sitting in front of a fire.

Weekend Update – Spring flowers, Lincoln Park, and thoughts of Arborcide

April 15, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Oh Seattle… Why can’t you be pretty and green and sort of warm all year? I keep telling myself that Summer and early fall here make the crappy six month of fallwinterspring all worth it, but that is a hard pill to swallow right now. This has been an especially dreary winter: rain, cooler than normal temps, very few sunny days (I remember 4…) and it didn’t really get cold enough to kill the mosquito eggs, so we are looking forward to a buggy spring. Oh Joy. On the bright side of things, the lawn and garden at La Masion du Talley are erupting with jonquils, tulips, cherry blossoms, the begonias and the dahlias are just coming up, there is green on the espalier apples, new raspberry canes are shooting up, my rose bushes in the back are leafing out, I saw a couple of honey bees out foraging, the grass is lush and green, and the first hints of the lavender up front are coming in. I spent the weekend splitting my time between the inside of the house and the yard. In the last two weeks I have been in Tokyo, Orange Co.., CA and Las Vegas, so my part of the household chores had gone unattended to. Here is how it all went down:

Slept late Saturday.
Breakfast and coffee while sitting next to Brodie.
Washed a load of whites and a load of colors.
Thought about going for a run.
Lost two hours of my life to Pinterest instead…
Put dishes away – some of them anyway.
Stamp-With-Foot took Brodie to new vet.
Got dressed and picked up living room and office.
Wife loves new vet. Brodie, not so much…
Finished a couple of small house projects.
Got ready to take Brodie for a walk in Lincoln Park
Started raining.
Started hailing…
Canceled trip to the park.
Brodie went back to sleep on the couch.
Went downstairs to work on my Workbench of Doom in the basement.
Heard water running outside… SHIT! Gutters overflowing! Downspout Plugged!! FVCK!!!
Ran outside, put ladder up DURING hail storm, dug pine needles and holly leaves out of gutters on both sides of house.
Water started moving down drainpipe.
While on top of wet, slick ladder – wished I possessed The Force – would kill neighbor’s trees and lift them out of the ground like X-wing fighter…
Said loud dirty words about gutters, pine needles and neighbor’s trees.
Squinted eyes, pursed mouth, and made mental note to buy copper nails, a large auger bit, some Drain-O, and a vile of the poison that coated the blade that Bilbo was stabbed with for that hateful tree.
Climbed down slick ladder with frozen hands prayed for a single bolt of well placed lightning.
Went inside, threw wet hat down and stomped downstairs to plan a crime.
Stamps-With-Foot made me coffee.
Felt better & cleaned the basement a little.
Wife took me out on Movie Date.
Had a nice time.
Came home and sat in the hot tub for a good long while – nice light rain fell.
Wife all for me taking a hit out on the tree.
Fell asleep looking at Pinterest again.

Up at the crack of dawn on Sunday: 9:00am
Coffee and breakfast.
Wrote some e-mails and sent a few pics to Instagram
Wife left for appointment and Brodie and I went to C&P Coffee.
Brodie tried to eat a black lab the looked funny at him while I was ordering coffee.
Being French, he has a Napoleon Complex – Really, really.
I grabbed him in mid air and other dog looked like he wanted to tinkle on the carpet: hid behind owner
Brodie looked hard at that dog whole time we were there.
Stopped by Home Depot on the way home and got moss killer for the roof and yard.
Noticed the moss while unstopping gutters.
Came home, cut the grass and spread some Weed&Feed that will lead to the eventual demise of all the dandelions, clover, and nettles that dare to take root in my yard.
Mwahahaha…
Felt happy.
Edged and mowed the front and back yards.
Found a couple of ferociousness dandelion patches.
How had I missed them?!
Got out the instant death weed killer and murdered me some dandelions.
Giggled like Buffalo Bill as he put the lotion in the basket.
Other neighbor walked by told me that I had a beautiful yard.
Beamed with pride and tried not to look like a weed serial killer or that I was hatching a plan to commit arborcide!
Wife came home and helped me spray the roof for moss.
Took off overalls and went with wife and Brodie to Lincoln Park – pretty end to the day!
Went to Trader Joe’s for the week’s worth of groceries.
Stamps-With-Foot made dinner while I worked on some handmade Christmas gifts (starting early)
Looked at Pinterest and Instagram again.
Stole wife’s phone because her pics of Lincoln Park were better than mine.
Heard noise outside.
THE WAS A FVCKING RACCOON ON MY ROOF!!
Thought about getting The Ruminator’s pellet rifle.
Decided I did not want to be on top of ladder and at eye level with mad ‘coon that had just been tagged with a pellet.
Turned the water hose on and ruined his night.
He jumped off roof and into the hated pine tree.
I thought about the pellet rifle again… decided to let the raccoon and tree just have each other.
Came in and wife was asleep and the dog was snoring like a 75 year old alcoholic with sleep apnea.
Wrote a couple blog posts.
Turned off lights, set alarm, and went to snuggle with wife.

Someone call PETA…

February 4, 2013 / Matt Talley / 2 Comments

Our dog lives a hard life… No one loves this dog… Mistreated he is…

We make him sleep in the bed, nap on the heating pad with a blanket, his food is warmed up, there is a bushel basket full of toys, someone is with him all day and he has a drawer full of vests and sweaters. Treats fill his life and Stamp-With-Foot forces him to snuggle. I am shocked that the neighbors have not called the Department of Animal Welfare on us.

Christmas Redecorating

December 10, 2012 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Each year after Thanksgiving, we take an afternoon, go to our local tree-seller and pick out a fine Noble Fir for our Christmas tree. I then pull out our integrated reservoir tree stand, a carpenter’s level, and set the whole assemblage on top of our large, round, lipped Christmas tree spill pan – I have very vivid nightmares about water stains on my wood floor…

Like most households that celebrate Santa/Christmas/Yule/Midwinter/etc…: The tree goes up, the ornaments come out, stockings are hung, etc. The only twist in our home is that in all reality, I am relegated to unpacking the 4 boxes of our handmade glass, pewter, and pine German ornaments and my participation in hanging them on the tree is verboten due to Stamps-With-Foot’s Tannenbaum OCD. Here is how it goes:

Tree in stand.
Wife surveys the straightness.
Tree adjusted.
Christmas music marathon begins
Dog trots in and notices tree.
Gets pissed off, turns his back to us and the tree and stares at the wall.
Slinks away after 30 minutes – Brodie HATES Christmas.
Tree adjusted again.
Tree must be turned to see which side is the best.
Decision made.
Lights put on.
Tree turned again.
Light strands removed.
Lights put back on in almost exactly the same place.
Light cords hidden.
Ornaments come out.
Lights on.
I have to turn the tree again.
Re-adjust.
Move some of the lights around.
Possible trimming of branches will happen at this point.
Hand wife ornaments – glass balls first.
Wife will walk back and forth and back and forth searching for perfect branch.
Previous step repeats about 150 times.
I am banned from giving her camping or climbing themed ornaments to place.
I sneak one onto the tree in the midst of her frenzy.
I go away and hang lights outside or hide from her Yuletide decorating wrath.
Find dog brooding over the nasty tree in HIS house and plotting to bite this Kris Kringle guy.
Toward the end of the evening, I am called back and I am allowed to hang 2-4 ornaments in a place I see fit.
Wife then moves them at least twice.
Tree trimming done 2-4 hours later.
I go to bed and twitch in my sleep to the beat of Nat King Cole, Elvis, Perry Como, and Sinatra as holiday music plays into the night…
Dog watches me sleep with hate in his heart because I was the one who carried the tree in.
Wake up sometime later and tree has been moved and completely rearranged.
Camping/Climbing ornament that I surreptitiously placed has been found, removed and place conspicuously on the table.
I look sheepish and she gives me the stink-eye over my transgression.
Presents are arranged by wife in a “certain order.”
Christmas music back on – maybe it never went off…
Brodie is put into his Santa outfit.
He somehow looks sad and furious at the same time.
There will be consequences for the red elf jacket that was forced upon him!
Am not allowed to touch area near tree until pictures are made.
Wife giggly happy.
Presents and ornaments rearranged at least once every three days until Christmas morning.

To save myself some work and time, I told her this year that I “could build” a lockable turning base so that she could move the tree over and over during initial setup and for decorating. You should of seen her face light up. The mere thought of it led to her running over and jumping on me saying “YES, YES, PLEASE, PLEASE!” I do love her.

Weekend Update

December 3, 2012 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had an eventful, rain soaked weekend. Lots of stuff got done, but it wasn’t the sort of thing that great novelists write thought provoking prose about. Maybe a SNL skit though. Details below.

Friday:
Home from work and into jammies.
Sent some e-mail and web-surfed.
Yummy pizza for dinner.
Finished watching season 6 of Dexter – Debra KNOWS!!
Heard weird water noise outside of basement window…
SHIT!!! Gutters clogged!
Ran outside, pulled ladder out, said DIRTY WORDS.
Up on rickety old wooden extension ladder after midnight in a rainstorm…
Prayed for the death of my neighbor’s pine tree.
No, really. Prayed for the tree to die or for neighbor to sell me his house so I can have the pleasure of turning it into mulch.
Dried off and apologized to Stamps-With-Foot for snapping at her while 15′ in the air, digging out leaves from the clogged downspout.
Off to bed.
Passed out and dropped Kindle on the floor -still works.

Saturday:
Up at 10:00 – no time for coffee – grrrrrr…
Drove downtown with my mother to see a talk by Clay Jenkinson – a Jefferson and TR scholar – my two favorite presidents.
Coffee and half a cookie for brunch – health food…
Presentation was great – funny and enlightening.
Took Mother to grocery store then home.
Called The Ruminator and chatted about Christmas lists and school and stuff.
Cleaned living room floors and rug.
Cussed the neighbor’s tree again – pine needles everywhere.
HATE that tree.
Took sweet wife to see shiny vampire movie instead of new 007 – we suffer for those we love.
Snuck food and cookie into movie.
Came home and obsessively checked gutters for clogs and basement for water for the next 24 hours.
Cursed tree – shook fist at it like an old man.
Spent some time in the hot tub in the rain relaxing/fantasizing about a chainsaw, limbs on the ground, and wood chips everywhere while laughing maniacally.
Went to look at Pintrest “for a minute” before bed – closed iPad 4 hours later at 3:45am.

Sunday:
Slept late.
Breakfast.
Skype/FaceTime call with friends in Germany.
Miss them.
Worked on mid-century modern style bookshelf for bedroom.
Poked 20ish holes in wall looking for a studs. Stud-finder worthless on plaster walls.
Threw stud finder.
Hung shelf in a partial stage of completion. Will paint later.
Worked out Christmas budget with sweet wife.
Re-arranged living room to make room for Christmas tree.
Set iPad on top of built-in hutch to keep it out of the way and “safe.”
Watched helplessly as iPad slipped into crack and fell 5 feet and between hutch and wall.
Stared at wood, disbelieving.
Said foul, vile, hateful things.
Paused to collect myself.
Said foul, vile, hateful things again.
Contemplated getting the sledge hammer and splitting maul out.
Had to walk away before I broke stuff.
Went to Target: mood did not improve.
Shopped for Christmas tree in driving cold rain: mood still poor.
Found a nice, full 7′ tall Noble Fir.
Let tree air dry a bit and put it up in living room.
Worked on Christmas cards with sweet wife.
Wrote some funny stuff on cards to friends and family.
Went out to my little shop and cut two long 1/2″X5/8″ sticks of fir & popular.
Attached L-bracket to the ends.
Fished iPad out using the chopstick technique.
Wife so impressed, she bragged about my big ol’ brain on Facebook.
For just a second, I thought “When McGyver spends alone-time with a bottle of lotion, he is thinking of ME….”
Remembered that I was the dumb-ass that dropped it there in the first place and decided not to let me ego run rampant.
Mood improved.
More Christmas cards.
House smells like Christmas.
Hottubing.
Taught cat to hop onto edge of tub.
Fought internal demon to keep from teaching her to swim.
Also resisted the urge to splash.
Shower and shave – need new blades
Read kindle.
Dog snored like a 70 year old alcoholic man with sleep apnea.
Put him on wife’s side of the bed so they could snuggle.
Night-night time.

Travel and Camping in the Land of shiny vampires…

November 21, 2012 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Every summer, my son and I go camping. Some years his sister has gone and my wife has started joining us, but there is a lot of quality father/son time. Discussions swirl around knights, swords, native American tribes/practices, foreign places/peoples, battles, gvns, more sword talk, camping skills, camp cooking, and the merits of boxing/judo/Krav Maga/etc… This year, The Ruminator and Stamps-With-Foot conspired against me and planned a trip to Forks, Washington to visit the Twilight tour stops.

The plan was to drive from Seattle to Forks, visiting La Push, and then completing the circumnavigation of the Olympic Peninsula – going from campground to campground. The trip coincided with both Quileute Days and the Squim Lavender Festival – I have a soft spot for lavender. I believe that the side trip to Squim was more of a bribe than anything else as our rainey destination and reason for going didn’t really speak to my heart. My sweet, sweet wife, all her friends, my daughter, and most of the women I know are enamored with the sparkling undead. I prefer my vampires to erupt into flames when exposed to sunlight, but I am old-school like that.

We packed the new truck, Tater, with tents, bags, rain tarps, food, cast iron, ukeleles, wood, sleeping pads, water, more tarps and headed west like 21st century hillbillies. Our first night was spent near a WWII concrete anti-ship fort – we had to explore the depths and gvn emplacements twice in 24 hours… Before heading to Squim, we stopped in downtown Port Townsend and explored the wooden boat center and some of the shops. Another bribe. Wooden boats and I have an unrequited love affair. I can’t have one because I already have a wife and a full-time job, but that doesn’t preclude me from lusting over teak decks, tight joinery, and the naughty brass bits…

The rain came our second night of camping and never really left. There were dry hours where we cooked and played dueling ukuleles, but for the most part the next 4 nights were an exercise in trying to keep from getting soggy. Brodie was along for his first Talley Family camp-a-thon and was not amused. All he wanted to do was sit with his mommy and crawl under the dry blankets in the tent. That whole thing in the books about Forks being the rainest place in the lower 48 rings true for me. We were there in the summer and never dried out, I can only imagine what it is like in the depth of a long grey winter.

Quileute Days was a side stop on our way to the Pacific coast and LaPush. The Ruminator just HAD to swim in the ocean and no amount of persuasion about it being cold, really cold, would change his adolescent, made up mind. After running into the surf and getting slapped in the chest by the first arctic-cold wave, his eyes got huge and he came up gasping for air. He stayed in until his lips turned almost blue and we had to drag him out. I have a sneaking suspicion that his next trip to the coast will involve a wetsuit.

Forks is a former logging town that is full of nice people who still seem a little bewildered by all the attention. Two shops really stand out in my memory (aside from the Twilight one): a tackle shop that had the same organizational system as my grandfather’s garage: “I know it is here somewhere….” mounted fish on the wall, a stuffed mountain lion, and a dog sleeping in her spot by the door. The other shop was an eclectic mix of junk shop, antique store, book store, coffee shop and sandwich counter where we had lunch. If you go to Forks – dragged by your significant other as well – you cant miss the latter; it is on the same side of the street of the now closed Twilight store and just to the north.

This summer taught us a few things:

Full-on luxury glamping is awesome when you arrive, unload and stay in place, but sucks when you move every night.
Zombie Gunship played on an iPad in the backseat makes the miles fly by and nary a “Are we there yet?” is uttered.
Brodie hates camping, the woods, rain, campfires, and the ukelele. Hates.
Stamps-With-Foot makes a mean gumbo!
The idea of spending time in the “Wettest place in the lower 48” sounds MUCH better than it is.
I am more awesomer at checkers than my son
Lavender ice cream is amazingly yummy
Flailing about with bullwhip kelp is a fine way to get into trouble
Bacon fried in a iron skillet over a campfire is another proof the God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Future summer outings will be less Cormac McCarthy’ The Road (soggy,cold,dirty) and more Endless Summer or Smokey and the Bandit.