Tag: Stuff My Wife Says

Things My Wife Has Said – Volume VI

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife has a fantastic sense of humor. It is dry and witty and she comes up with fantastic one-liners!  She is HILARIOUS without forcing it. Her humor is natural, unpracticed, and off the cuff. What comes up, comes out.

This is the sixth, though certainly not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

  • I found this amazing piece of valuable art at a resell shop for $6. I was in shock a little that they did not know what it was.  I said nothing, paid for it, and practically ran home to show to my wife. She picked it up and marveled at my find then started slowly for the basement stairs, holding it gingerly and looking down at it almost lovingly. I asked her where she was going with the art and she replied like it was a normal statement on a normal day, “I am taking it down to put with the rest of my Dragon’s hoard”. My own tiny version of Smoug the Dragon…
  • As we were going to sleep one night, my wife was already in bed and half asleep when I walked into the room. I heard her say, “You have to take the dogs out, I’m not wearing pants.”  I had just stepped out of the shower and was still wet and only in a towel.  She opened her eyes and said very slowly and with an air of menace: “Are you going to take the dogs out? If the answer is no, I will put PJ bottoms on and leave them on for a VERY LONG TIME”. I understood the gravity of my situation. I took the dogs out. 
  • I watched an episode of a show without her that we had been watching together and was snacking after dinner at the same time. She walked in as the TV went off, looked around like an FBI agent first arriving at a crime scene – taking it all in. I was confronted with a narrow-eyed gaze and she said, “You smell of peanuts and treachery…”
  • Our two dogs were mad after long walk. When questioned about their mood, she said , “They got to go to the park and shit on things – including me.”  I am guessing there were repercussions for the puppies… 
  • We were on the town for a rare night out and enjoying Sushi at our favorite Japanese restaurant, sitting beside their salt water fish tank.  Laurel looked up, hashi, in hand, holding a delicate piece of Unagi sashimi and said, “We are just like those people on Soul Train.”  She meant that we are like the people on the TV show/movie Snow Piercer.  I erupted in laughter.  She smiled and ate her Unagi without a care in the world for just a little while.
  • “Can we save some of Brodie’s hair or blood for later?”  Brodie is our 14 year-old Boston Terrier.  I think she wants to clone him…

Things My Wife Has Said – Volume V

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife has the best one-liners!  She is HILARIOUS without meaning to be. It is unpracticed and off the cuff. What comes up come out… This is the fifth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

  1. “It took forever to train you and it was a lot of work.” 
  2. “If you want to eat the food I cook, you will laugh at my jokes. Seriously.”
  3. Years ago, when my wife was in costume design school, we made sock puppets with my kids during Christmas.  Well, my sock puppet was AMAZING!  I made a little fellow I called Sheriff Naughty Pants.  He came equipped with a red vest, gold star, black felt (made from scratch) cowboy hat, little pink tongue, and a SWEET handlebar mustache.  She was not amused.  I “snatched the prize” from her.  I did not know it was a competition, but she did, and I have given her crap about my awesome puppet making skills ever since, especially when and if she gets uppity about something.  Recently, after she was gaining traction in a domestic debate, I said casually mentioned, “I guess I can get Sheriff Naughty Pants out and let him cast the deciding vote.”  She stared at me with cold hateful malice and said in a flat serious serial killer voice: “I will burn your garage down!”
  4. While looking at me in a loving sweet way out of the blue: “You are the Gomez to my Morticia.”
  5. “This wine (rosé in a can) tastes like a trailer park.” 
  6. There was a couple who were clearly high on X at a concert (Drop Kick Murphy’s) beer garden that were all over one another. I noticed them and said, “Those two will be doing that naked later.”  My wife looked sideways, pursed her lips a little and said, “Hopefully after we leave.”
  7. A champagne cork popped just as we sat for dinner at a local restaurant and my wife looked up with a huge grin and said, “Mamma likes!!” and she proceeded to order the bubbly stuff.
  8. Our female French Bulldog has a nubbin of a tail, like the bears in the Charmin Toilet Paper commercial.  My wife spotted her doing her “business” and said while wiping sleepy eyes, “Enjoy the go, Truffle.”
  9. Right after knee surgery (3 months post-op) had to run for the bus at work that goes between buildings.  The colleague with me asked that I not do that again and that if I hurt my knee not to tell my wife that he was with me, because “I don’t want her to cut me all straight razor style.”  I told her in a joking way what he said that evening after getting home, and she replied in a distracted voice while doing something in the kitchen: “I wouldn’t use a razor. I would poke him a couple of times, like prisoners do with the shanks, in a soft vulnerable spot.”  I stared in disbelief and she said this while wearing sparkly French bulldog earrings and her hair up in bobbles looking as cute as a button.  You cannot help by love her!!
  10. I was ogling a Ducati Scrambler one Saturday morning and my wife looked over my shoulder, saw what was on the iPad and said offhand, “If you buy a motorcycle, I will start doing coke.” Then she walked away. I guess I will not be buying a motorcycle.

Things My Wife Has Said – Volume IV

/ Matt Talley / 4 Comments

My sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, funny, smart, awesome wife has the best one-liners.  I have taken to writing them down and saving them like little jewels.   This is the fourth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

  1. I was trying to be funny and I told my wife that I am sort of like an Uber driver: my beard gives rides for cash. She laughed so hard that wine came out of her nose. When recovered, she gave me $1 and said that she “expected change when her ride was done…”
  2. “Boys who buy their wives sewing machines get favors…”
  3. “Truffle (our female French Bulldog) is a Goddamn snuggle tyrant!”
  4. “Man buns are just comb-overs for hipsters.”
  5. I came home from work and went downstairs to check on how Stamps-With-Foot was doing on the bathroom paint progress. I found her naked, covered in purple paint, and listening to Tupac. When questioned about the state of things she said: “I didn’t want to get paint on my jammies, so I painted naked.”
  6. While out to dinner before seeing a a movie, my wife said: “You might be the Anti-Christ: Since I met you I eat pork, have condoned killing trees for a better view, and was singing along happily to Katy Perry this morning.”
  7. “There should be an escort service for puppies and baby piggies. You could snuggle and love them for an hour and the give them back.”
  8. “I don’t really like any Fructose Corn Syrup, but I really hate it when is high.”
  9. “What is wrong with you?! You bought $60 worth of Girl Scout Cookies into our house, left town, and I am on my period. What the fuck were you thinking?!?!
  10. While standing in the kitchen, very early and wearing a bathrobe: “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
  11. “Budgeting is sexy.”
  12. “Do my boobs look too big in this shirt?” It was a trap.
  13. She went to the wax place on a Saturday and came in the house that afternoon with Vampirella arches above her eyes and asked: “What do you think of my eyebrows?” It was also a trap.
  14. I went snowboarding for the 1st time since hip reconstruction and I was forbidden by my wife to drop into the terrain park. When I got home I was questioned thoroughly. I was honest and said that there were no drops or rails or big air, but admitted taking small jump (more of a hop really) along one of the runs. I got “the look” and she made pre-tirade grumpy noises. I said quickly and defensively: “But I didn’t go into the terrain park!” My sugar sweet, tiny, gentle, accepting, loving, kind wife then said: “Huh?!, that is sort of like you saying ‘but I just got a blowjob from that hooker, I didn’t put it in her butt.'” Seriously, she said that. I was caught unaware, had no response, and couldn’t utter a sound in my defense, mostly due to the shock that those specific words had come out of her mouth at all and in that particular order….. She then hid one of my boarding boots for a couple of weeks.

Stuff that my wife has said that leaves me speechless

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Continuing in the theme of previous posts about the shocking and funny things that occasionally spew forth from my wife:

  • Laurel has started calling the Amazon Cart the “Gift Basket” then mumbling curse words under her breath, after accidentally buying everything that was in the “Cart.” Our Amazon grocery and regular Amazon stuff accounts got linked and she bought a ton of stuff, including a CB for my Jeep, a 20 gallon waste oil container for my shop, and a Ninja Blender.  We had no idea until stuff just started showing up at the house.  It was like Christmas in May!

 

  • We were waiting in line one night outside The Showbox in downtown Seattle, an iconic music venue right by Pike Place Market, and a guy walked by with a big strait ginger beard that would have made any self-respecting viking proud.  My wife and I have a deal:   She keeps her hair long and I don’t grow a beard.  I looked over at her as he walked past and said with a raised eyebrow, “That could be me.”  Without a seconds thought she replied, “It sure could.  You will notice he is walking alone…”  Point, set, and match.

 

  • I was standing in the kitchen doorway, unnoticed by my vegetarian-hippie-raised wife as she was delicately eating a strip of bacon and heard her say: “I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”

 

  •  While out to eat one Saturday night my sweet bride made a flippant comment about it “…being OK to miss the previews…” for the movie we were running a little late to because dinner was taking a while. I gave her the stink eye as I LOVE the previews and she said:  “Thou shalt not glare on date night if you want to sleep with a real girl tonight…” 

 

  • After I made a joke at her expense on the way home from the same movie, she snapped back, “It is mother-fucking date night. You have to be nicer to me.”

 

  • One evening after two too many glasses of wine, Stamps-With-Foot got a little sick.  It is the first time in like 10 years that this has happened.  She felt BAD and demanded I call the ambulance.  I said no, while holding her beautiful long hair up and out of the way.  She said: “I am dying.  Why won’t you listen to me?!”  I said: “I am sober and you are not.  You are not dying, but you will feel really crappy tomorrow”  Her reply was: “That seems plausible,”  which she said in a perfectly sober and lucid voice before returning to the continued hugging of the porcelain with nary another word about requiring emergency medical assistance.

 

  • She is hooked on The Get Down, a Netflix TV show.  She came sliding into the living room one Saturday morning as I was drinking coffee and snuggling puppies on the couch.  She dropped into a low martial arts-ish stance and started singing Kung Fu Fighting, made some chops and kicks in the air, executed a jump turn, and then vanished to continue her TV binge watching.  About an hour later she emerged and said as she walked to the kitchen, “I was born in the wrong decade.  I would have been a disco queen in the ’70s.”  No preamble, no justification, no reasoning, just a statement of fact.

Stuff My Wife Says – Volume II

/ Matt Talley / 5 Comments

I have written previously about some of the things that have come up in conversation with my sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, awesome wife. Well, with the passage of time I have… err… SHE has more to say on the subject. Enjoy:

  1. I was splashing my wife in the hot tub the other night and she yells “Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!!” It is apparently her new “safe word”. My safe word is bacon.
  2. While Living in France, we bought a lot of wine that we brought back to the US.  Most of it is in the normal .75L size bottle, but there are some .375L demi-bouteilles, a few 1.5L magnums, and one 3L double magnum bottle as well.  Stamps-With-Foot has taken to calling the .375L bottles “Juice Boxes.”  I teased her that it is because they would fit in her lunch box.  She looked up at me with smiling, happy, dreamy eyes, then over at her 1984 metal Thundercats lunch box (really that is what she takes to work) and said, “Yes…  they would…”
  3. Long story short, I made a crude off hand remark about a lady who’s “carpet matched the drapes”. Instead of smacking me for being a misogynistic and sexist asshole, my wife looked at me with great annoyance and said sarcastically “Great, now I have to think about her snatch!”  I had nothing more to say.
  4. I failed to use my turn signal in moderate traffic while driving near limousine, France and lamented that I was being a bad/unsociable driver. Stamps-With-Foot said offhandedly while looking out the window: “Fuck that. This is France, do you know how many of these motherfuckers have cut me off over the last two years? Fuck them.” 30 seconds later she got all excited, bright eyed, wiggling in her seat with joy & happiness over a fortified Chateau we were passing.
  5. My lovely bride walked into the living room the other night with her phone and computer in hand while wearing mix-matched PJs. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she shot back with, “This is as sexy as it gets tonight, maybe all weekend.” Fair enough.
  6. We went out to my company’s winter event just after New Year’s and Stamps-With-Foot looked killer in a long tight velvet dress. As we were getting ready, she looked at me and said, “Tonight is a two drink minimum night”. I started to correct her and she stopped me, making it plain that she did not misspeak and that I was the Designated Driver for the evening.
  7. “I love puppies, diamonds, and PJs – in that order.” Not sure why she said this. It just popped up out of the blue one Saturday afternoon.
  8. Two months after the 2016 presidential election, I casually mentioned talking the “Bernie” sticker off her car window. She snapped back, “You will not touch it! I love that wrinkly old motherfucker and I need to hold onto the faith for a while.” Ok… Me no touchy…
  9. Our female French bulldog, Truffle, has a big personality and is super lovable. She is also pushy, selfish, sneaky, petty. During one painful week long interlude, she puked on my chest while I was asleep, pissed in Stamps-With-Foot’s car seat because we “made” her wear a sweater in 30 degree temperatures, tried to pee on my pillow because I had the audacity to move her from my spot at bedtime, puked on an antique wool Persian rug, took a dump on the front porch because the grass was wet, fucked up a couch pillow, tore the heart out of Brodie’s favorite toy, she chewed up 3 pencils, stole food from Brodie, and went all Cujo on a contractor working at the house. My wife looked at me one morning and said, “No more girl dogs. They are too much work. Just boy dogs – they can be gay though.” I had no words.

Stuff My Wife Says:

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife, Stamps-With-Foot, has a normally dry sense of humor and sometimes she is unintentionally hilarious. Other times I am shocked at some of the stuff that her brain comes up with that her sweet innocent little mouth then utters. I have been recording a few of them lately and the choicest pearls are below.

  1. We bought a chocolate tart from a local patisserie on our way into town one afternoon. It was dairy free, gluten free, and egg free. After tasting it, my sweet tiny wife said, “What the fuck is this thing made of, unicorn tears?!”
  2. She mixed the old and new high-priced boogie dog food together – three different flavors. The dogs refuse to touch it, so my wife has spent a fine portion of her evening sitting on the kitchen floor in her PJs sorting the kibble cussing and snarling about the “fucking spoiled-ass monsters” …and yet she went on doing it…
  3. While at the Musee du Picasso, we walk by a surrealist blue woman reclining. My wife stopped and said, “I don’t really like it, but something draws you to the center of the painting.” I said half-joking, “Probably the huge anus in the middle.” and she shook her head knowingly and said nonchalantly, “Yes, that is probably it…”
  4. At dinner the other night, my wife looked down at a not cheap glass of red wine and said softly, “Why can’t I quit you?!” she then took a sip. I think she was mentally calculating how much each taste cost.
  5. My bride is a visual person: she has to see something real time to make a decision. This means that I often have to move a piece of furniture 5ish times before she decides to put it back in the original place. While doing this dance recently over a new piece of furniture, I sketched up the room and all the associated furnishings in MSVisio and she tried every possible combination. There was a plan. She had made a decision. When the day came to start moving that plan melted away like it never existed. Before we even started I mentioned my thoughts on correct placement, but she needed to “See” it. After moving it around and around in real-life a few times, she decided to put it the piece in the EXACT spot that I had pointed out initially. I uttered an under-toned ‘told you so…’ and she got all wide-eyed, stamped her foot, raised her voice and said, “You know I am a bad listener!”
  6. Anytime that my sweet wife cannot remember the name of a town or a village, she calls it Hogsmeade.  It doesn’t matter what country we are in or what historical significance that the place may have, if she can’t remember then it is her shorthand name, but I thought it was just kind of our own private nerdy joke.  Nope.  We had lunch in a small hamlet at the bottom of a glorious castle in Bavaria and in the accounting software we use she labeled it as “Lunch in Hogsmeade.”  I almost want to be audited just so that I can show them that particular entry…
  7. We were in discussion to add a dining room addition in our place in Seattle.  Stamp-With-Foot has wanted a chandelier for years and said her only request was that we install one over the table.  I jokingly said that “I didn’t get the memo for that” and it “…wouldn’t be possible unless the change notice request was submitted in writing.”  She walked over to the whiteboard in my office and wrote in cute bubbly script: MEMO: Motherfukin’ Chandelier and then said, “Now you have it in writing.”