My wife has the best one-liners!  She is HILARIOUS without meaning to be. It is unpracticed and off the cuff. What comes up come out… This is the fifth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

1. “It took forever to train you and it was a lot of work.” 
2. “If you want to eat the food I cook, you will laugh at my jokes. Seriously.”
3. Years ago, when my wife was in costume design school, we made sock puppets with my kids during Christmas.  Well, my sock puppet was AMAZING!  I made a little fellow I called Sheriff Naughty Pants.  He came equipped with a red vest, gold star, black felt (made from scratch) cowboy hat, little pink tongue, and a SWEET handlebar mustache.  She was not amused.  I “snatched the prize” from her.  I did not know it was a competition, but she did, and I have given her crap about my awesome puppet making skills ever since, especially when and if she gets uppity about something.  Recently, after she was gaining traction in a domestic debate, I said casually mentioned, “I guess I can get Sheriff Naughty Pants out and let him cast the deciding vote.”  She stared at me with cold hateful malice and said in a flat serious serial killer voice: “I will burn your garage down!”
4. While looking at me in a loving sweet way out of the blue: “You are the Gomez to my Morticia.”
5. “This wine (rosé in a can) tastes like a trailer park.” 
6. There was a couple who were clearly high on X at a concert (Drop Kick Murphy’s) beer garden that were all over one another. I noticed them and said, “Those two will be doing that naked later.”  My wife looked sideways, pursed her lips a little and said, “Hopefully after we leave.”
7. A champagne cork popped just as we sat for dinner at a local restaurant and my wife looked up with a huge grin and said, “Mamma likes!!” and she proceeded to order the bubbly stuff.
8. Our female French Bulldog has a nubbin of a tail, like the bears in the Charmin Toilet Paper commercial.  My wife spotted her doing her “business” and said while wiping sleepy eyes, “Enjoy the go, Truffle.”
9. Right after knee surgery (3 months post-op) had to run for the bus at work that goes between buildings.  The colleague with me asked that I not do that again and that if I hurt my knee not to tell my wife that he was with me, because “I don’t want her to cut me all straight razor style.”  I told her in a joking way what he said that evening after getting home, and she replied in a distracted voice while doing something in the kitchen: “I wouldn’t use a razor. I would poke him a couple of times, like prisoners do with the shanks, in a soft vulnerable spot.”  I stared in disbelief and she said this while wearing sparkly French bulldog earrings and her hair up in bobbles looking as cute as a button.  You cannot help by love her!!
10. I was ogling a Ducati Scrambler one Saturday morning and my wife looked over my shoulder, saw what was on the iPad and said offhand, “If you buy a motorcycle, I will start doing coke.” Then she walked away. I guess I will not be buying a motorcycle.