2018 News Year’s Resolutions:

A year ago, to the day, I said that I would do a bunch of stuff in 2017.  I did OK, but not great. I could blame it on my old man hip, the surgery, or the recovery time, but mostly not getting stuff on the list done was all me. All my own laziness, stuborness, or my A+ skill level of procrastination. These are the promises I made to myself that I kept:

Take a pottery class
Take a Blacksmithing class at the Pratt
Read 1 book every 2 weeks – minimum
Play my uke, banjo, and guitar with others
Give lots of $$ to Heifer and MFS
Make movies and post: Adventure, craftsmanship, and family.
Make Stuff!!
Ride my skateboard because I am not too old or too fat
Road trip in WA more
Take my wife on vacation
Plant a spring garden
Fix up the front and back yards

The following is what I am committing myself to do in 2018:

  1. Organize my chaos in the shop and basement.
  2. Sell, donate, recycle, or throw away shit that I do not use.
  3. Use my planner and notebooks as tools not as something that I “have” to use.
  4. Eat my veggies.  Seriously.  Salads in my future.
  5. Take my desk at home back and make it a conducive writing space.
  6. Cut WAY back on sugar and carb intake!
  7. Lose weight – back to 175! and put on 5-7lbs of muscle
  8. Go to the gym 3-4 time a week – minimum.
  9. Box more at the gym and at home
  10. Write more: Blog posts, REAL letters, Thank you notes, fiction, and non-fiction
  11. Take more great pictures
  12. Fly my drones more
  13. Take at least a 45 minute lunch at least 4 days a week at work
  14. Show up to yoga at least once a week
  15. Take another pottery class
  16. Finish my CJ-7 Jeep restoration
  17. Look into getting back into the judo dojo
  18. Sign up and compete in the Gambler 500 car race
  19. Sign up for a letterpress class at SVC Downtown
  20. Take another blacksmithing class at The Pratt
  21. Read 1 book every 2 weeks!
  22. Learn how to play the mandolin and banjo better!
  23. Play my uke, banjo, and guitar with others
  24. Build a skin-on-frame canoe for two
  25. Road and mountain bike
  26. Take the puppies to Lincoln Park for a walk at least once a week
  27. Ride the living shit out of my Single -Speed
  28. Bike to work at least 5 times this year (12 miles each way)
  29. Volunteer more at the Center for Wooden Boats
  30. Pay off all credit cards
  31. Go sailing in Puget Sound
  32. Turn some amazing and useful stuff on my lathe
  33. Give lots of $$ to Heifer and MFS
  34. Make at least 1 movie a week for YouTube and post: Adventure and craftsmanship
  35. Monetize my YouTube account and increase my presence and standing in that community
  36. Lessen my Twitter and social media activity…
  37. See my kids and grandchildren more
  38. Be involved in politics more: financally and with a time commitment
  39. Work on my Genealogy database and organize all my info.
  40. Finish the house remodel –  even if I have to pay a contractor to do it (…shudder…)
  41. Finish the garage/shop/GROP build
  42. Make.More.Stuff!!
  43. Ride my snowboard and skateboard because I am not too old or too fat
  44. Road trip in WA and on West Coast more
  45. Have two hives of healthy, happy bees
  46. Kayak lots!
  47. See my friends more
  48. Take my wife on vacation
  49. Plant a spring garden and have a really bountiful fall harvest
  50. Have an awesome Griswald-like Christmas light display!

I am printing this list out and pasting copies in my notebook, work planner, in the shop, at my desk at work, on the fridge, and in the basement above my warranty voiding workbench.

Brodie is having surgery again today

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Brodie, our 9-year old French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix, is having surgery today.  This is his 2nd in three weeks.  He had a growth on his foot that was causing him to limp and three days after I had hip surgery, my wife took him to the vet to have it removed.  The pathology came back as a Basal Cell Carcinoma and they didn’t get it all with the first surgery.  It has been really hard on Stamp-With-Foot.  I am down with the hip, not able to even tie my own shoes yet and she has had to deal with me, work, veterinary oncology appointments, Dr. bills, diving me to appointments, our health insurance, pet insurance, our 2016 taxes, house stuff, etc.  The issue with Brodie has hit her really hard and there have been lots of tears and lots of worry.

Brodie is, after all, my wife’s “fur-child.”  She loves him with all of her heart.  True story:  We took some of our wedding pictures with Brodie and while posting some of them on Facebook, my bride cut me out of one photo and pasted the “new” one of just her and Brodie – he was wearing a bow tie and looked smug.

The prognosis for his full recovery after surgery is really good.  They are going to have to take one or two toes, but the disease has not metastasized into his lungs or lymph nodes, so the amputation will hopefully be the end of it.

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4/24/2017 Update:

Great News! We got the tests back and it looks like they got everything by removing the one outside left front toe. We are all very relieved! Brodie just wants the bandage off, the Cone of Shame to go away forever, and all the stitches out. He has take the bandage off himself like 4 times, much to the displeasure of Stamps-With-Foot.

The yard is now secure for the puppies

I spent my evenings after work this week rebuilding 35’ of fence, connecting it to the corners of the new garage, and installing two gates using reclaimed boards and stringers from the original fence that I carefully tore down back in January.  I reused the screws and most of the hardware, but had to buy 7 new treated posts, 2160 lbs of Sakrete, 4 bolts and two 2x8x10s. Total cost was $160 and 14 hours of labor including the tear down and hole digging.

My neighbor has been INCREDIBLY patient with me, my mess, noise, and building debris.  When I rebuilt the fence on her side of the yard, I tore out some more of the existing, replaced two rotten posts and then leveled the tops of each section to make it look nicer.  There were a couple of solid posts left from the previous fence location – about 2′ from the new garage – that I just couldn’t chop down or pull out so, I leveled them up and built her a simple trellis for honey suckle or wisteria.  I also bought her a $50 Starbucks card as a small ‘Thank you!’.

The back gate and adjoining section is a nice mix of mostly reclaimed and reused hardware, boards, bits mixed with new posts and structural support. I did double up on the facing boards (set on both sides) for some additional privacy as our hot tub is right on the other side.  The gate itself used to be on the opposite side of the yard.  I had to trim it a bit to get it to hang plumb, and move some hardware around a little.  I will be adding an additional hinge in the middle for added support and some face boards on the outside as well, so it gives the same amount of privacy and so it matches the fence.   The whole thing then will get a power washing and a coat of polyurethane in the coming weeks.

 

Matt Talley Fence re-build 2016 (3)Matt Talley Fence re-build 2016 (2)Matt Talley Fence re-build 2016 (5) Matt Talley Fence re-build 2016 (6)

Matt Talley Fence re-build 2016 (1)

Stuff My Wife Says:

My wife, Stamps-With-Foot, has a normally dry sense of humor and sometimes she is unintentionally hilarious. Other times I am shocked at some of the stuff that her brain comes up with that her sweet innocent little mouth then utters. I have been recording a few of them lately and the choicest pearls are below.

  1. We bought a chocolate tart from a local patisserie on our way into town one afternoon. It was dairy free, gluten free, and egg free. After tasting it, my sweet tiny wife said, “What the fuck is this thing made of, unicorn tears?!”
  2. She mixed the old and new high-priced boogie dog food together – three different flavors. The dogs refuse to touch it, so my wife has spent a fine portion of her evening sitting on the kitchen floor in her PJs sorting the kibble cussing and snarling about the “fucking spoiled-ass monsters” …and yet she went on doing it…
  3. While at the Musee du Picasso, we walk by a surrealist blue woman reclining. My wife stopped and said, “I don’t really like it, but something draws you to the center of the painting.” I said half-joking, “Probably the huge anus in the middle.” and she shook her head knowingly and said nonchalantly, “Yes, that is probably it…”
  4. At dinner the other night, my wife looked down at a not cheap glass of red wine and said softly, “Why can’t I quit you?!” she then took a sip. I think she was mentally calculating how much each taste cost.
  5. My bride is a visual person: she has to see something real time to make a decision. This means that I often have to move a piece of furniture 5ish times before she decides to put it back in the original place. While doing this dance recently over a new piece of furniture, I sketched up the room and all the associated furnishings in MSVisio and she tried every possible combination. There was a plan. She had made a decision. When the day came to start moving that plan melted away like it never existed. Before we even started I mentioned my thoughts on correct placement, but she needed to “See” it. After moving it around and around in real-life a few times, she decided to put it the piece in the EXACT spot that I had pointed out initially. I uttered an under-toned ‘told you so…’ and she got all wide-eyed, stamped her foot, raised her voice and said, “You know I am a bad listener!”
  6. Anytime that my sweet wife cannot remember the name of a town or a village, she calls it Hogsmeade.  It doesn’t matter what country we are in or what historical significance that the place may have, if she can’t remember then it is her shorthand name, but I thought it was just kind of our own private nerdy joke.  Nope.  We had lunch in a small hamlet at the bottom of a glorious castle in Bavaria and in the accounting software we use she labeled it as “Lunch in Hogsmeade.”  I almost want to be audited just so that I can show them that particular entry…
  7. We were in discussion to add a dining room addition in our place in Seattle.  Stamp-With-Foot has wanted a chandelier for years and said her only request was that we install one over the table.  I jokingly said that “I didn’t get the memo for that” and it “…wouldn’t be possible unless the change notice request was submitted in writing.”  She walked over to the whiteboard in my office and wrote in cute bubbly script: MEMO: Motherfukin’ Chandelier and then said, “Now you have it in writing.”

Puppies

I have gotten a few comments and questions about our puppies, so here is the lowdown:

Brodie is our 8 year old male that is 1/2 French Bulldog and 1/2 Boston Terrier. He is a rescue that was once deemed by a shelter as “unadoptable.” NW Bulldog Haven stepped in and made sure that he got medical help for an eye issue and he found his forever home with us 6.5 years ago. When we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings and he is so much better than he was when he first came home. He is an awesome dog. He is smart and obedient and loves Stamps-With-Foot like the Pope love Jesus. He likes me fine and we are super-buddies when my wife is out of town for a day or two, but prefers her company and ignores me the very second her car pulls up. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur. We brought him to France with us and he loves it here – I think it is the duck breast, nibbles of cheese, and foie gras that he gets under the table.

After all the work socializing Brodie we decided that he was finally ready for a full time buddy. Right at exactly that same moment we found Truffle.

Truffle is a full-blooded and pedigreed French Bulldog with a brindle coat and a cute under-bite. While surfing the local chat group for a specific piece of furniture, I saw an add posted in French about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family (we decided later that was crap and someone got a “fashionable” dog and had no idea how to train or care for a Frenchie…). She and Brodie immediately got along, though she is a bit of the annoying little sister. She was a year old in July and is still very much a puppy. There have been a few issues: potty training, diet, her delicate digestive system, some minor health issues, etc…, but we have 99% of it worked out. We did, however, make the decision to take her out of the gene-pool and we had her spayed. Frenchies as a breed have a LOT of issues and if we breed her, then we would be perpetuating the problems.

She is SO sweet and lovable, but she is not a puppy-rocket scientist. She was gifted with beauty and personality instead. Truffle wants nothing in this world but to sit beside one of us all day or it is even better if she can touch both of us at the same time: Her self-assigned spot in the bed is between the two of us at shoulder level. She “helps” my wife put on makeup, is there to “assist” in making the bed or folding cloths. She NEEDS to come into the shop with me, but isn’t allowed because she eats wood shavings. Truffle looks so sad standing at the door looking at me in the shop and the second my head is turned, will sneak in.

Below is a photo dump of both puppies just being themselves.

Truffle 8 -2014 (2)

Truffle and Brodie - 2014 (2)

TRuffle and Brodie 7-2014

Road Trip France 5 - 2014 (1)

Wine - France - 2014 (13)

Carcasonne2014 (2)

30 days France_09

Brodie Flight 13 (2)

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Brodie waiting for Mommy 2013

Brodie looking cute 2013

Brodie 2013 Spring (2)

Laurel and Brodie 2013

Brodie 2013 Spring (1)

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Brodie under cover (3)

sun Puppy 2012 (2)

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Spoiled dog 2013 (1)

home safe brodie

Brodie Craigslist

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Laurel and Brodie 2011 (5)

May 2011_02

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L&M wedding 2010 (7)_ test

House Spring 201016

House Spring 201017

House Spring 201011

alseep

Can I come in

Nap time

Home 2015

walkies

there tree of tem

helping wiht the sewing

wearing her coat

the two of them

Brodie 2

Brodie

Puppies 2015 - 3

puppies 2015 - 2

puppies 2015

truffle 2015

Brodie 2-2015

French house 2014-15 (9)

French house 2014-15 (12)

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Truffle 8 -2014 (3)

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Christmas 2014 - 2

Spring 2014 (1)

Spring 2014 (2)

France - Road Trip  5-2014 (3)

Wine - France - 2014 (13)

Four days in the US: lots of work, frenzied shopping, and severe jet lag

I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…

Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.

Had 06:30 flight to the U.S. 

Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.

Took retainer away and scolded puppy. 
Went to get tooth brush. 

Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.

Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch. 

I LOST MY MIND!!!

Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury. 

Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.

After completing her business, dog went into the kennel. 

She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.

It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.

Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.

Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.

My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:

Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More

I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.

Our new puppy is part cat…

Truffle has some cat DNA in there somewhere:

1. If you want to sleep and she doesn’t want you to there is a slobber attack. Don’t try to hide your head under the pillow – it won’t help you.
2. She will chase the laser pointer up the concrete column in the living room and go back to look for it an hour later.
3. Why would she eat her food, sleep in her bed, play with her toys? Brodie’s are so much better.
4. Apparently, her assigned spot in the bed is between my wife and me at shoulder level.
5. Oh, you want to write an email or get some work done? Nope, not on her watch. She will sit in your lap, lick the keyboard and grunt until you pet her full-time.
6. Yoga Mat? Wrong. Puppy play space. Move over.
7. You want to watch “your show”? Not during designated playtime you don’t. When is designated play time? What time does your show start?
8. Why would my wife want to put make-up on by herself when Truffle can help?
9. A relaxing bath for the Mrs…. Sure if she doesn’t mind Truffle standing at the side of the tub whimpering or lying beside it passing gas.
10. “What do you mean there is a no dogs on the table rule?!” We have learned that chairs and benches have to be pushed in so that we do have to share our meals.
11. She CAN get in the bed by herself, but why would she do that? Standing beside the bed with her nose and front paws on the mattress and whining until the bald pink monkeys put her up there is a winning strategy, so why should she expand the energy?

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Need a trash can lid? Make it on the Lathe

We have a Art Deco flower pot in the guest bathroom that is used as a trash can. is about 9″ high and 8″ in diameter, so it doesn’t hold a lot. However, our new puppy is VERY interested in the contents of that vessel. To stem any possible and eventual messes, I took some pine scrap, chucked it up in the lathe and made a heavy wooden lid. I stained and finished to match the pot. Simple fast jobs like this make it so I can buy new tools without my sweet wife flipping out.

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Puppy Narcissism

Our dog is awesome. Everyone that we know likes him and he is even allowed in peoples’ homes that don’t even allow other dogs in their yard! His happiness means a lot to us and we take really good care of him: Warmed gourmet food, toys, lovin’, walks, cheese under the table, loads of attention, snugglein’, fur rugs to nap on, etc… I have told my wife repeatedly, that if I am reincarnated, my first choice would be to come back as her puppy (minus the whole neutering thing…)

Anyway, when we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. It has meant that he has had only us to hang out with and sometimes he gets a little board of the pink monkeys that share his space. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur…

We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings. A recent week+ visit to the puppy spa (really) while we were in Paris convinced us that he was finally ready for a full time buddy – he did great, made multiple friends of different breeds and there was not one incident of bullying or aggression. Right then, the stars aligned and we heard about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family.

When we went to meet her, it was like when my wife met Brodie for the first time: the puppy latched onto Stamps-With-foot, sat down in her lap, applied wet kisses, decided we were good people, and staked her claim. We introduced her to Brodie and they immediately got along. The deal was sealed.

Meet Truffle. She is the newest member of the family.

TRuffle and Brodie 7-2014

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Truffle 2

TRuffle 2014

Truffle and Brodie - 2014 (2)

Truffle 8 -2014 (1)

Truffle 8 -2014 (2)

Truffle 8 -2014 (3)

Truffle and Brodie - 2014 (1)

I just threw the waterlily picture in because it was pretty and from Truffle’s first walk in Toulouse.

Very Productive Weekend – except in the yard.

I did not mow the yard this weekend. It just didn’t happen. I meant to and I wanted to… I even took the mower and cord out, but it just didn’t happen. Instead I did this:

1. Redesigned the top of the workbench that I am building.
2. Threatened for 148th time to quit Facebook.
3. Didn’t quite
4. Updated status
5. Cleaned and organized GROP a little while grumbling about my lack of willpower
6. Worked on a J-O-B related spreadsheet
7. Finished bookends for wife – made from Victorian andirons.
8. Cut the base (legs and stretchers) for my workbench.
9. Turned two sets of TINY rosettes for our neighbor to replace a couple that are missing from a piece of furniture – help the neighbors when you can.
10. Put together a set of I-beams to reinforce a table top that is warping – they do that after 250-300 years…
11. Gave my wife a foot rub.
12. Glued up some maple blanks to turn later on
13. Played with the puppies – there are two now.
14. Got sucked into Pinterest
15. Watched a little TV/YouTube
16. Took puppies for a walk around neighborhood
17. Turned a small jar lid for wife out of some scrap cherry
18. Drank some Spanish rosé with wife and had a nice home cooked Thai meal
19. Fixed front door lock at 1:00am
20. Had weird dreams Saturday night
21. Slept in – new puppy had first good night’s sleep 🙂
22. Puppy sat while wife got her hair cut.
23. Told wife her hair was very pretty
24. We took puppies into Toulouse to meet some friends for coffee
25. Walked in park with wife and puppies.
26. Cut and chiseled joints in to ½ of the workbench legs
27. Sucked into Pinterest vortex again
28. Sent some J-O-B e-mail
29. Talked to my mom
30. Text messaged with my daughter
31. Tried to call my son – he was out with friends. Teenagers… 🙂
32. Played with puppies
33. Sent some more work-related e-mail
34. Told wife hair was pretty again
35. Made a tiny adjustment to kitchen island at wife’s request
36. Wrote a snail-mail letter to my aunt and son
37. Filled out a couple of post cards
38. Updated website a little
39. Looked at work calendar for tomorrow – very full.
40. Said dirty words…
41. Went downstairs to snuggle wife, puppies and to stay up too late on Pinterest or stupid Facebook.

Cornebarrieu Bench update (2)

Cornebarrieu Bench update (1)

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andirons 2014 (1)

Truffle 8 -2014 (3)

TRuffle and Brodie 7-2014

My Wife REALLY loves her puppy

Stamp-With-Foot loves me, of that I have no doubt. At times though, I think that I am second fiddle to her puppy. They have been together almost 6 years and are somehow physically and psychically linked – really. No two beings are more complete and happy than when the two of them are snuggling on the couch. They become a single entity. It took a year for Brodie to even acknowledge my existence and now he sees me as his butler and chauffeur. I make yummy food and give great scratching, but and am, in truth, an accessory that comes along with his mommy. I walked into my home office the other day and I found the below drawn on my white-board:

being loved 2014

Our French Jardin

With my J-O-B and all that we have going on here in France (work, travel, guests, work, work…) there is NO WAY that I can have a proper garden. To scratch my farming itch, I have been medium obsessive over the grass (I have not found the desire to begin a campaign of slaughter for the dandelions as yet) and have made our outside living space as nice a possible. The prior occupants of our house planted rosemary, sage, lavender (we have 5 different bee types on it right now), a couple of fruit trees and some bulbs that we are nursing a little the the color and life help with my primal need to make stuff grow.

We eat outside in the evenings a couple nights a week and I bought a sweet masonry grill from an English couple that were moving to Spain. The thing weighed a ton, but it works and looks great. In addition to grilling on weekend afternoons, I REALLY like to have my coffee in the shade of the porch out back if my schedule allows and the hammock has an assign spot in the shade. We see our back yard here as more of an outdoor room and have furnished it with a teak table set and the Adirondack lawn furniture that I made for Stamps-With-Foot a couple of years ago – she insisted we bring it from Seattle 🙂

Back yard 3 2014

Spring 2014 (1)

back yard (2) 2014

Grilling 2014

brodie hammoch 2014

Yard in France 2014 (2)

Yard in France 2014 (1)

Yard in France 2014 (3)

Yard in France 2014 (4)

flowers 2 2014

Spring 2014 (2)

Flowers 3 - 2014

flowers 4 2014

Flowers 2014

back yard 2014

France – The first 30 days.

Still Love France.
My French has gotten SO bad.
I did forget how slow things are to get done here. 
You want a buy/lease a car?  Three weeks-ish. 
You want cable and internet? 1 month.
Want it to work? 1 more week and 14 phone calls
Love my J-O-B
No such thing as coffee to go… even if you get it in a tiny paper/plastic cup, there is no lid.
Really like the house here. The 16″ thick concrete walls and steel shutters give it a homey crypt-like feeling.
Miss our house in Seattle.
There are doctors who speak English, but their receptionists who book the appointments don’t… 
You want groceries on Sunday?  Nope, not going to happen
I also forgot how amazing the eggs and meet are. 
Want to sit and have coffee and talk to my mom, miss that.
Bread goes with EVERYTHING! Awesome bread.
Having a really hard time finding a shop that sells wood lathes – only power tool I want/need here.
The weather here in winter is better than summer in Hamburg.
Miss my furniture. We have been “Camping” since Halloween and I am about 99.9999% done sitting on the floor to eat my dinner.
Want my tools like a junkie wants their cooking spoon.
Stamps-With-Foot is buying enough cheese to make the regional sale figures blip. 
Our dog< Brodie, has fully integrated and will cop a squat in the middle of the street, sneering at anyone who dares to question his right to do so. He goes to restaurants with us like he is a little prince. The wife slips him duck breast, cote of Beaof, and aged cheese under the table.  I had 2 glasses of $4 wine that we bought at the grocery store with dinner tonight.  It was awesome.  No, truly.  Wish my kids were here. I miss Starbucks, but I have a Killer espresso machine in the kitchen.  Can now watch Netflix and BBC One with country specific VPN accounts - sticking it to the man! Miss my bikes. Can't wait for them to arrive next week (insert giddy face) The designer dog food here is sold in breed specific bags - really. It is crap, but it is packaged well. I have lost a little weight because I am not eating crap and started running again. Very, very nice wooded trail near house - miles and miles long. Flying to Florida for work next week and am bringing home coffee beans, dry dog food, and Cajun Seasoning. Packed an extra duffle bag... Went for a drive in the country today and happened by a 16th century chalet with turrets and a moat about an hour form the house. 
The thought of Stamps-With-Foot driving in France scares the Hell out of me!
Life is damn fine on the whole.

Almost there

We are almost French residents.

There was sun and left-over snow on the ground when we left Seattle. We made the 9 hour Amsterdam flight without issue and are sitting in the KLM lounge waiting for our Toulouse flight. The sun rose as we were landing and gave us a spectacular show for our first morning as nouveau European: the whole new beginning theme seemed appropriate. Brodie was a CHAMP and slept through the whole flight. Stamps-With-Foot had to clear customs and go outside the airport for his potty break because he REFUSES to potty under a roof. Such a good boy! At this very instant my cute wife is taking his picture to post on Facebook. Today happens to be his birthday and he has been promised steak for dinner…

Our dog is better traveled than some of the people we know

Brodie took his first flight this week – a training flight for the Seattle to Toulouse journey that is coming up. Stamps-With-Foot has made the proper arrangements for him to fly in the cabin with us and we wanted to both see how he would do and practice dealing with his needs as well. She packed his bag the night before and included snacks, his sock-monkey bed, sweaters, etc. He looked suspiciously at the luggage tag with his picture on it more than once.

On the day of the flight, he did better than us in the taxi on the way to the airport – I wonder if they teach drivers in Seattle Taxi school the proper break/gas/break/gas/break stomp technique or if you have to take a pre-test for making passengers car sick before you can qualify for a hack license. One of life’s little mysteries….

Brodie did great at the security checkpoint and was fine right up until we went into the jet-bridge: he decided it was then time to crawl into his mommy’s lap and then into the sweater with her – she had to carry him to our seats. Both the flight attendants and the passengers around us liked the shit out of him! Everyone was all smiles, like the ones the ladies in my office get when someone brings in a new baby.

He was a little nervous during take-off, but settled down into the monkey bed and took a nap.. The drugs from the vet probably helped with that. He napped most of the way and a had a little snack of airline cheese and salami – airline food for dinner. Brodie really didn’t like the landing! We came in a little fast and there were some bumps; he was not amused.

Brodie did great in the city, down at the wharf, in City Lights Books, at lunch he sat quietly under the table, and was even OK in Chinatown, but we had to pick him up a few times because of the crowds.  All and all it was a successful trial run and we learned not to get him high too soon, to plan airport potty breaks and to get a luggage cart (no matter how much it goes against my grain) as trying to manage a roller bag, a shoulder bag, and a puppy on a leash is somewhat nerve wracking.

Update 12/5/13:

Brodie has now been to Amsterdam and has flown into France to become an official French resident. For Christmas, he is going to Germany. He needs his own travel blog, but it would mostly feature places he napped, food that was handed to him under the table, and good spots to pee on.

Home Again

I got home from another Toulouse trip (third in 3 months) on Friday and after my sweet wife picked me up at the airport, we headed to a local BBQ joint for Brisket. I had read in a cast off magazine I found in the Amsterdam Sky Lounge about the 10 best places to find BBQ in Texas that made my mouth water. Seriously, Pavlov-esq. It was all I could think about for 5400 miles.

We ordered a full pound, the sweet sauce and a square of cornbread to take home and go all caveman on. It was not slow-smoked Hill Country perfect, but it scratched an itch.

After dinner, there was puppy play time – rough housing and fetch, Stamps-With-Foot and I watched a little TV, there was singling and the I passed out for the best sleep in 6 nights. It was so good that I slept late and with the jet lag – it felt like I had been out for 20 hours. It was only 9, but it felt so good to be home and in my own bed with my own pillow, warm wife, and snoring puppy.

Went to C&P Coffee with wife for brunch
Stayed 4 hours – finished book
Halloween costume shopping at Goodwill & St. Vinson DePaul.
Wrote a couple of letters to family
Chinese for dinner
A little TV watching.
I heart Barnie Stenson.
Finished book I got for my B-day
Said “thank you” again to wife
Passed out

Special breakfast of coffee and Apple pie tarts Sunday morning
iPad decided to imitate a brick
Said curse words until I remembered I did a cloud backup Friday night
Not as unhappy
Cleaned and refilled hottub- Winter is coming
Top of cover was GRODY
Wife helped clean. Wore a bikini and a sweater.
Have learned the hard way not to ask questions…
Put most of garden to bed for winter – no hot houses this year.
Stamps-With-Foot had hair appointment
I remained calm and begged her not to shave it all off
I went over to my mothers for dinner
Chocolate chip cookies for an appetizer, Frito Pie as a main course, cranberry juice to drink, and chocolate cheesecake for desert
Like it was 8 again
Came home and fired up the hottub. A piping 59 degrees by 10 PM.
Might have to wait till tomorrow night to get in…
Wife came home… Hair looked great.
Sigh of relief.
Told her repeatedly how pretty it was and ‘thank you’ for not chopping it off
Watched 10-12 movie trailers – don’t judge me!!
Off to bed.

Hanging out in our ‘hood this weekend

We had a quiet West Seattle weekend: Friends over on Friday and we all drank no small amount of great Italian wine and ate the last of our French Comte cheese. I worked around the house and in the shop (me and the lathe are friends) Saturday morning while Stamps-With-Foot nursed a touch of a hangover and snuggled with the Brodie – He didn’t complain. Sunday was lazy with Brunch at Meander’s in White Center (Go For the Chicken and Waffles!) and afternoon coffee at C&P. After coffee and reading, there was a trip to Trader Joe’s, home for left-overs, some quality hottub time, and then we finished the evening with glasses of port, sitting in front of a fire.

Someone call PETA…

Our dog lives a hard life…  No one loves this dog…  Mistreated he is…

We make him sleep in the bed, nap on the heating pad with a blanket, his food is warmed up, there is a bushel basket full of toys, someone is with him all day and he has a drawer full of vests and sweaters.  Treats fill his life and Stamp-With-Foot forces him to snuggle.  I am shocked that the neighbors have not called the Department of Animal Welfare on us.

Weekend Update

We had an eventful, rain soaked weekend. Lots of stuff got done, but it wasn’t the sort of thing that great novelists write thought provoking prose about. Maybe a SNL skit though. Details below.

Friday:
Home from work and into jammies.
Sent some e-mail and web-surfed.
Yummy pizza for dinner.
Finished watching season 6 of Dexter – Debra KNOWS!!
Heard weird water noise outside of basement window…
SHIT!!! Gutters clogged!
Ran outside, pulled ladder out, said DIRTY WORDS.
Up on rickety old wooden extension ladder after midnight in a rainstorm…
Prayed for the death of my neighbor’s pine tree.
No, really. Prayed for the tree to die or for neighbor to sell me his house so I can have the pleasure of turning it into mulch.
Dried off and apologized to Stamps-With-Foot for snapping at her while 15′ in the air, digging out leaves from the clogged downspout.
Off to bed.
Passed out and dropped Kindle on the floor -still works.

Saturday:
Up at 10:00 – no time for coffee – grrrrrr…
Drove downtown with my mother to see a talk by Clay Jenkinson – a Jefferson and TR scholar – my two favorite presidents.
Coffee and half a cookie for brunch – health food…
Presentation was great – funny and enlightening.
Took Mother to grocery store then home.
Called The Ruminator and chatted about Christmas lists and school and stuff.
Cleaned living room floors and rug.
Cussed the neighbor’s tree again – pine needles everywhere.
HATE that tree.
Took sweet wife to see shiny vampire movie instead of new 007 – we suffer for those we love.
Snuck food and cookie into movie.
Came home and obsessively checked gutters for clogs and basement for water for the next 24 hours.
Cursed tree – shook fist at it like an old man.
Spent some time in the hot tub in the rain relaxing/fantasizing about a chainsaw, limbs on the ground, and wood chips everywhere while laughing maniacally.
Went to look at Pintrest “for a minute” before bed – closed iPad 4 hours later at 3:45am.

Sunday:
Slept late.
Breakfast.
Skype/FaceTime call with friends in Germany.
Miss them.
Worked on mid-century modern style bookshelf for bedroom.
Poked 20ish holes in wall looking for a studs. Stud-finder worthless on plaster walls.
Threw stud finder.
Hung shelf in a partial stage of completion. Will paint later.
Worked out Christmas budget with sweet wife.
Re-arranged living room to make room for Christmas tree.
Set iPad on top of built-in hutch to keep it out of the way and “safe.”
Watched helplessly as iPad slipped into crack and fell 5 feet and between hutch and wall.
Stared at wood, disbelieving.
Said foul, vile, hateful things.
Paused to collect myself.
Said foul, vile, hateful things again.
Contemplated getting the sledge hammer and splitting maul out.
Had to walk away before I broke stuff.
Went to Target: mood did not improve.
Shopped for Christmas tree in driving cold rain: mood still poor.
Found a nice, full 7′ tall Noble Fir.
Let tree air dry a bit and put it up in living room.
Worked on Christmas cards with sweet wife.
Wrote some funny stuff on cards to friends and family.
Went out to my little shop and cut two long 1/2″X5/8″ sticks of fir & popular.
Attached L-bracket to the ends.
Fished iPad out using the chopstick technique.
Wife so impressed, she bragged about my big ol’ brain on Facebook.
For just a second, I thought “When McGyver spends alone-time with a bottle of lotion, he is thinking of ME….”
Remembered that I was the dumb-ass that dropped it there in the first place and decided not to let me ego run rampant.
Mood improved.
More Christmas cards.
House smells like Christmas.
Hottubing.
Taught cat to hop onto edge of tub.
Fought internal demon to keep from teaching her to swim.
Also resisted the urge to splash.
Shower and shave – need new blades
Read kindle.
Dog snored like a 70 year old alcoholic man with sleep apnea.
Put him on wife’s side of the bed so they could snuggle.
Night-night time.

Travel and Camping in the Land of shiny vampires…

Every summer, my son and I go camping. Some years his sister has gone and my wife has started joining us, but there is a lot of quality father/son time.  Discussions swirl around knights, swords, native American tribes/practices, foreign places/peoples, battles, gvns, more sword talk, camping skills, camp cooking, and the merits of boxing/judo/Krav Maga/etc…  This year, The Ruminator and Stamps-With-Foot conspired against me and planned a trip to Forks, Washington to visit the Twilight tour stops.

The plan was to drive from Seattle to Forks, visiting La Push, and then completing the circumnavigation of the Olympic Peninsula – going from campground to campground.   The trip coincided with both Quileute Days and the Squim Lavender Festival – I have a soft spot for lavender.  I believe that the side trip to Squim was more of a bribe than anything else as our rainey destination and reason for going didn’t really speak to my heart.  My sweet, sweet wife, all her friends, my daughter, and most of the women I know are enamored with the sparkling undead.  I prefer my vampires to erupt into flames when exposed to sunlight, but I am old-school like that.

We packed the new truck, Tater, with tents, bags, rain tarps, food, cast iron, ukeleles, wood, sleeping pads, water, more tarps and headed west like 21st century hillbillies.  Our first night was spent near a WWII concrete anti-ship fort – we had to explore the depths and gvn emplacements twice in 24 hours…  Before heading to Squim, we stopped in downtown Port Townsend and explored the wooden boat center and some of the shops.   Another bribe.  Wooden boats and I have an unrequited love affair.  I can’t have one because I already have a wife and a full-time job, but that doesn’t preclude me from lusting over teak decks, tight joinery, and the naughty brass bits…

The rain came our second night of camping and never really left.  There were dry hours where we cooked and played dueling ukuleles, but for the most part the next 4 nights were an exercise in trying to keep from getting soggy.  Brodie was along for his first Talley Family camp-a-thon and was not amused.  All he wanted to do was sit with his mommy and crawl under the dry blankets in the tent.  That whole thing in the books about Forks being the rainest place in the lower 48 rings true for me.  We were there in the summer and never dried out, I can only imagine what it is like in the depth of a long grey winter.

Quileute Days was a side stop on our way to the Pacific coast and LaPush.  The Ruminator just HAD to swim in the ocean and no amount of persuasion about it being cold, really cold, would change his adolescent, made up mind.  After running into the surf and getting slapped in the chest by the first arctic-cold wave, his eyes got huge and he came up gasping for air.  He stayed in until his lips turned almost blue and we had to drag him out.  I have a sneaking suspicion that his next trip to the coast will involve a wetsuit.

Forks is a former logging town that is full of nice people who still seem a little bewildered by all the attention.  Two shops really stand out in my memory (aside from the Twilight one): a tackle shop that had the same organizational system as my grandfather’s garage: “I know it is here somewhere….”  mounted fish on the wall, a stuffed mountain lion, and a dog sleeping in her spot by the door.   The other shop was an eclectic mix of junk shop, antique store, book store, coffee shop and sandwich counter where we had lunch.   If you go to Forks – dragged by your significant other as well – you cant miss the latter; it is on the same side of the street of the now closed Twilight store and just to the north.

This summer taught us a few things:

  1. Full-on luxury glamping is awesome when you arrive, unload and stay in place, but sucks when you move every night.
  2. Zombie Gunship played on an iPad in the backseat makes the miles fly by and nary a “Are we there yet?” is uttered.
  3. Brodie hates camping, the woods, rain, campfires, and the ukelele.  Hates.
  4. Stamps-With-Foot makes a mean gumbo!
  5. The idea of spending time in the “Wettest place in the lower 48” sounds MUCH better than it is.
  6. I am more awesomer at checkers than my son
  7. Lavender ice cream is amazingly yummy
  8. Flailing about with bullwhip kelp is a fine way to get into trouble
  9. Bacon fried in a iron skillet over a campfire is another proof the God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  10. Future summer outings will be less Cormac McCarthy’ The Road (soggy,cold,dirty) and more Endless Summer or Smokey and the Bandit.

Brodie’s Letter To GrandPaw…

My father-in-law, The Chatty Buddha, sends us post cards and notes from his travels. He addresses all of them to our puppy, Brodie, to be funny/cute/antagonistic. Brodie was so excited about getting the most recent post card, that he decided to write back. With minimal help from me, Brodie crafted a fine document that if nothing else will bring my evil black heart delight each time I think back on it for years and years .

Some back story: The Chatty Buddha has made it clear to my sweet wife that he is not our dog’s grandpa and he bristles every time she refers to him as such. TCB is also a vest wearing machine. All sorts: green wool or plaid for casual dress, dark linen/wool for formal occasions, Polyester when outdoors, natural leather/suade for errands and family events, etc… If one were to dress as my father-in-law for Halloween, then a vest would be mandatory. The last and most important piece of information (at least for this tale) is that as a child, my wife had a very unruly dog that would lift its hind legs and scoot/drag his butt repeatedly accross expanses of carpet – usually in the same area that morning yoga practice was performed. God, I would have loved to have seen that man’s face after he put 2+2 together after first time he realized that his personal space had been violated in such a heinous manner. Anyway, when reminded of this part of his personal history or whenever the word “scoot “ is uttered, he blows up like a toad, gets all red and swears under his breath. Since I often show my love for people through teasing, I will take any opportunity to drop his favorite word or a mental image of the event into as many of our conversations as possible. I have even gotten the whole family to refer to his house as: Case Da La Scooter. It makes me happy. With all that in mind, please read the below transcript of the card that Brodie sent to his GrandPaw(SIC) – reading aloud makes it funnier.

Dear GrandPaw,

Thank you fur sending me another poste card! It makes me so happi that you luv me like I luv you – well, you and my stuffed monkey!

I can’t wait too see you again so you can see my new vest – mommy says that you luv vests too! I can show you my new tricks like: WAIT and I am doing super awesome at HEEL – except when I see a kat – I hate kats! Daddy has taught me to scoot. It makes me very klean! And feels yummy for my bottom. Daddy says that I get to show you, but that I shud practice where you Yoga “because it is Zen there.” You R gonna Be so pround of me GrandPaw!

Kisses,
Brodie

Our yard is in bloom – Spring 2012

Magical Spring has finally come to Le Maison du Talley. Our rhododendrons are back and in full pooping bloom after they were hacked back last year. The tulips, daffodils, and poppies have all decided to bloom at the same time. The Spanash, English and Provence lavender has taken root and flourished along the front fence. After a two year struggle with blossom-rot, the two cherries up front are full of flowers and green cherries. We have Mandarin orange blossoms, apple blossoms, apricots, figs, raspberry buds, a fence line of blooming roses, and 3 Meyer’s lemons on the dwarf tree in our backyard mini-orchard.

Stamps-with-Foot and I planted garlic and onions in the fall that are close to being pulled and we spent an afternoon planting tomatoes, squash, corn, and zucchini in two of our raised beds. After in initial problem with early blight last year, our two full beds of tomatoes went NUTS! and we had more that we could use or give away. We were more selective this year and planted just a couple varieties and only 7 plants. I hot-housed a bed of spinach, Swiss Chard, and beats all winter that is now in full production mode.

I plan to be home more this summer and really spend some time tending and harvesting, although one wouldn’t know it from all the traveling so far. I can’t wait until mid-August when I can sit in my cotton hammock, gently swinging over my Ireland-green grass, drinking a Dunkel Weissbeir, snuggling my wife, and patting our puppy while gazing out onto our yard and garden.

Our Stolen Puppy – found!!

My wife ran into our local pharmacy to get a prescription and when she came out our car and an SUV next to us had been broken into.  The other party had a gym bag stolen and our GPS and iPod were left alone, but they TOOK OUR DOG!!! My wife was inconsolable! All she could do was sob and sob. Brodie is a huge member of the family – I think my brother-in-law is plotting to off us so he can inheret him. My mother walks him every day. My wife’s father – The Chatty Buddha – treats him like a grandchild. Really, really: gifts at christmas and a dog-related comic hung at dog-bowl level in his home, which is 5 hours away and there “for when Brodie visits.” my friends talk about him like they party with the little guy on weekends and pet/scratch him before saying ‘boo’ to either of us when they come over. Vacations and dates are planned around this dog’s schedule. His theft was a serious kick in the gut. I wanted to do the people that took him some serious harm… Perminant limp sort of harm and my balling pacifist wife was all for it.

We rescued Brodie through Bulldog Haven NW after he was deemed unadoptable for medical reasons and was slated to be put down.  We nursed him back to health and he has been happy with us for almost three years. He is the best dog that either of us has ever had. We prayed that whoever took him was keeping him warm and safe and that we would get him back soon.

The minute we got home, we got online and on the phones to the vets in our area, his microchip company, we posted on the west seattle blog and the lady who runs BHNW jumped on craigslist minutes after our call to her. One of Laurel’s dear friends (Natalie) came over and helped man the phones, calm Laurel down, and she drove around with us looking for him until well after dark. There was huge Facebook traffic on this, with cross posts and more than 250 comments. Brodie’s abduction made it all the way to the Boeing Intraweb and there was a blip on the King 5 News site (since taken down). We printed over a hundred flyers and I rode one of my bikes around the neighborhood taping/stapling reward posters everywhere.

Brodie was found about a mile from Walgreens, huddled beside the recycling can, cold and wet, but safe. The guy that found him called the phone number on his tag around 8:00, as we were headed to get a quick bite to eat. I whipped my POS truck around and sped there. He didnt know about the reward we offered, but he will get every penny of it – There are good people in the world!

Brodie and his mother were super tired form his ordeal today. They fell asleep snuggling on the couch about 9:00. This weekend has officially been declared “whateverBrodiewants Fest” and there will be bacon for breakfest, buffalo snacks, hot yummy beef dinner, and more cuddling than he can stand.

We are glad to have him homeland cannot thank our friends, neighbors, and everyone involved enough. THANK YOU!!

A few pictures of Laurel and Brodie this summer

Since Brodie follows my wife constantly and they are near inseparable, every time I snap a picture of Stamps-With-Foot, Brodie is there.  When I leave this life I hope that I am reincarnated as a new frenchie puppy for my wife.  She is fully involved with her fur-baby: he eats lavish hot food, has more toys than he can play with, a warm comfy bed, a yard free of crap, other dogs, unlimited snuggling, and bacon for snacks.  In short, the life all Frenchies dream of – well except for the occasional romp with a toy poodle – there could be more of that for Brodie…

Good laws

Sometimes I get reminded that my job really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things and that I am a dumb-ass.  Such was the case when I got pulled over for talking on my cell on the way to work.  The police officer asked me why I was talking on said phone and I told him, “because I’m and idiot.”  He nodded in agreement and handed me a ticket for $240.  I am not the least bit butt-hurt about this ticket.  I fully deserved it.  I will not be talking on the phone while driving again and I hope the funds go to schools or the library.

Speaking of good laws: the City of Seattle now says it is a crime (fine included) to not scoop up after your dog.  I couldn’t be happier.  I hate to find a big steaming pile of dog deuce on my fresh mowed grass (it happens a lot) and I curse both the dropper and their owner.  No, like a real curse, not just dirty words, but I do throw a couple of those in for good measure.  It usually sounds something like: “May your kibble forever taste like the poop you dropped on my lawn, may fleas torment you, and my your dog snack on your warm corpse after you have a painful demise alone at home…” I do what I can for the cause…

Neurotic Puppy

Anytime my wife leaves the house, the dog runs to the window, watches her walk out of the gate, puts on the saddest puppy face you have ever seen, and whimpers like she is never coming home. He then quickly looks over at me like he is trying to say, “Do SOMETHING pink monkey!! She is getting away!” He then sulks for a couple of hours. If Stamps-With-Foot is gone for more than a day, he acclimates and we turn into big buds, he follows me around the house/yard, snuggles at bed time, and hangs out with me if I am reading or watching TV. That dog has it great when it is just him and me: unlimited bacon, I don’t blaming him for the gas smell that was probably me, walks in the park, cream cheese at C&P coffee, no baths, rough housing, ball throwing, ear scratching, his food heated up, and cat chasing to his heart’s content.

All bets are off though when she walks back in the door. He runs up and puts on a ten minute show of how much he loved and missed her like I beat him and made him wear fuzzy booties and have Tea Party with Kung Fu grip GI Joe, Han Solo, and some troll dolls.

This is “The Look” and below is the background music in his head when the gate swings shut and he is not prancing out of it with her connected via a leash… 

 

Trip to the vet

We had to take a trip to the vet early this morning.  I was reading the West Seattle Blog and there was a post about a couple of dogs dying of  something called leptospirosis.  As I read the article, I grew increasingly alarmed and upon seeing that we live two blocks from where the deceased dogs lived, I was on the phone to our vet immediatly.  Come to find out, Brodie had been given the first of two boosters for leptospirosis back in July, but we missed the second.  Crap…

Look, I really like that dog.  He may be the best dog I have ever had.  Even our friends who are cat people let him come to their house and chill.  I would be beside myself if something happened to him that I could have prevented.   Stamps-With-Foot is bordering on insanity when it comes to this dog.  She will tear up as we carpool from work, thinking about snuggling with him when she gets home.  She is SUPER puppy-narcissistic: takes every opportunity to show an album worth of pictures to perfect strangers (“…and this is him sleeping…”) and will go on at length about how sweet/smart/handsome/cuddly/soft/smart/amazing/laid-back/handsome/etc… he is.  If something happened to Brodie, she would be inconsolable.  Things would be ugly!  I already had to have the, “No, we can’t clone the dog!  Do you know how expensive that would be?!?!”discussion.

So, off to the vet we went.  The Wife made me call her after the visit to let her know that he was OK…  He got his first round and our dog walker (STOP judging me!  I swear we are not those people) is also aware of the outbreak and is watching him closely when he is out and about for his mid-day stroll.

What I have to put up with every night…

The following pictures are how every night of my life now goes.  Cute sleepy wife goes to bed and puppy follows her.  I follow mere seconds to an hour later and this is what I find:

Stamps-With-Foot sound asleep, Dog (Brodie) on my side and in my spot.  Wife snuggling dog.  I walk in and without fail this is the reaction I get:

Wife: ZZZZzzzzzzzz….ZZZZZzzzzz

Brodie: “What?! You got a problem monkey? I was here first, this is my spot!    Don’t even think about disturbing me, I’m comfy and set for the evening.  You should have got here first…”

I ignore him, walk around the bed to hop in and turn off the lamp and I am greeted with this face:

Brodie: “If you touch me I am going to EAT YOUR FACE OFF – I swear by all that is Holy (salmon kibble, the stuffed monkey, & chasing kitties) that I will FVCK YOU UP if you…  Hey!…  NO… Stop…  Damn it!!…  Fine, I will sleep on the other side of her, but tomorrow night I am going to attack balls if you try this sh!t again…”

With that pronouncement he then makes a couple of turns, flops down with a huff, snorts a couple of times, may pass some gas just because and then begins to snore like a fat old guy with sleep apnea and a deviated septum.  Modern love with a dose of belligerent puppy.