Things My Wife Has Said – Volume IV

October 9, 2018 / Matt Talley / 4 Comments

My sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, funny, smart, awesome wife has the best one-liners. I have taken to writing them down and saving them like little jewels. This is the fourth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

I was trying to be funny and I told my wife that I am sort of like an Uber driver: my beard gives rides for cash. She laughed so hard that wine came out of her nose. When recovered, she gave me $1 and said that she “expected change when her ride was done…”
“Boys who buy their wives sewing machines get favors…”
“Truffle (our female French Bulldog) is a Goddamn snuggle tyrant!”
“Man buns are just comb-overs for hipsters.”
I came home from work and went downstairs to check on how Stamps-With-Foot was doing on the bathroom paint progress. I found her naked, covered in purple paint, and listening to Tupac. When questioned about the state of things she said: “I didn’t want to get paint on my jammies, so I painted naked.”
While out to dinner before seeing a a movie, my wife said: “You might be the Anti-Christ: Since I met you I eat pork, have condoned killing trees for a better view, and was singing along happily to Katy Perry this morning.”
“There should be an escort service for puppies and baby piggies. You could snuggle and love them for an hour and the give them back.”
“I don’t really like any Fructose Corn Syrup, but I really hate it when is high.”
“What is wrong with you?! You bought $60 worth of Girl Scout Cookies into our house, left town, and I am on my period. What the fuck were you thinking?!?!
While standing in the kitchen, very early and wearing a bathrobe: “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
“Budgeting is sexy.”
“Do my boobs look too big in this shirt?” It was a trap.
She went to the wax place on a Saturday and came in the house that afternoon with Vampirella arches above her eyes and asked: “What do you think of my eyebrows?” It was also a trap.
I went snowboarding for the 1st time since hip reconstruction and I was forbidden by my wife to drop into the terrain park. When I got home I was questioned thoroughly. I was honest and said that there were no drops or rails or big air, but admitted taking small jump (more of a hop really) along one of the runs. I got “the look” and she made pre-tirade grumpy noises. I said quickly and defensively: “But I didn’t go into the terrain park!” My sugar sweet, tiny, gentle, accepting, loving, kind wife then said: “Huh?!, that is sort of like you saying ‘but I just got a blowjob from that hooker, I didn’t put it in her butt.'” Seriously, she said that. I was caught unaware, had no response, and couldn’t utter a sound in my defense, mostly due to the shock that those specific words had come out of her mouth at all and in that particular order….. She then hid one of my boarding boots for a couple of weeks.

Film Friday – Double Feature: Attic and Bath Remodel Status

June 1, 2018 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I spent two FULL days, with a little help from my wife, instaling the baseboard, door, skylight, stair, and window trim in the new attic space. This video includes a few tips and tricks along the way. As this will be my wife’s studio space, she put in some sweat equity filling nail holes, doing a little sanding, and she chose the paint scheme. I will be painting next and will document that whole process as well.

This is Part 1 of our basement bathroom build/finish. We decided to add a basement bathroom when we replumbed the house a couple of years ago. 6 months of chaos insued and we took a two year break before diving back into the bathroom build. This time has been SO much better. We went with white subway tile for the walls, black and while hex tiles for the floor, and charcoal grout. The next step is trim, paint and fixture install.

Spring Has Sprung – 2018

March 12, 2018 / Matt Talley / 2 Comments

With the official start of Spring – as determined by the fact that my wife was reading a book, enjoying the sunshine, and drinking wine in the yard – we had a busy weekend at La Maison Du Talley:

Moved all the power tools in the shop against the wall for temp storage duty
Ordered material for attic finish
Set up new iPhone (old one a brick!)
Checkout at Pratt to be able to independently use their fabrication shop.
Moved everyone else’s crap out of my basement and temporarily into the garage
Said dirty words about all the other people’s crap being stored in our home
Cleaned the basement completely out
Pruned the apple trees in the backyard
Restacked the firewood wood pile
Cleaned and prepped attic for floor installation
Published two YouTube videos
Set up new condenser microphone in home office/studio
Breakfast with my mom and wife
Went to the Moonshiners 36th Annual Jeep Swap Meet
Did not buy a new-to-me 1946 CJ-2A project Jeep
Stayed Married
Did not buy a motorcycle or boat at the swap meet
Stayed married – there is a theme…
DID buy an ARB on-board air compressor and a duel battery mount – and got a sweet deal!
Signed up for three classes at Pratt for this spring: Block printing, wood carving, and letterpress
Padded and protected the wood floor and built-ins in prep for attic finish
Cleaned the hot tub
Edged and mowed the front and back yard
Spread Weed&Feed on the back yard and parking strip
Re-seeded the front yard

2018 News Year’s Resolutions:

January 1, 2018 / Matt Talley / 3 Comments

A year ago, to the day, I said that I would do a bunch of stuff in 2017. I did OK, but not great. I could blame it on my old man hip, the surgery, or the recovery time, but mostly not getting stuff on the list done was all me. All my own laziness, stuborness, or my A+ skill level of procrastination. These are the promises I made to myself that I kept:

~~Take a pottery class~~
~~Take a Blacksmithing class at the Pratt~~
~~Read 1 book every 2 weeks – minimum~~
~~Play my uke, banjo, and guitar with others~~
~~Give lots of $$ to Heifer and MFS~~
~~Make movies and post: Adventure, craftsmanship, and family.~~
~~Make Stuff!!~~
~~Ride my skateboard because I am not too old or too fat~~
~~Road trip in WA more~~
~~Take my wife on vacation~~
~~Plant a spring garden~~
~~Fix up the front and back yards~~

The following is what I am committing myself to do in 2018:

Organize my chaos in the shop and basement.
Sell, donate, recycle, or throw away shit that I do not use.
Use my planner and notebooks as tools not as something that I “have” to use.
Eat my veggies. Seriously. Salads in my future.
Take my desk at home back and make it a conducive writing space.
Cut WAY back on sugar and carb intake!
Lose weight – back to 175! and put on 5-7lbs of muscle
Go to the gym 3-4 time a week – minimum.
Box more at the gym and at home
Write more: Blog posts, REAL letters, Thank you notes, fiction, and non-fiction
Take more great pictures
~~Fly my drones more~~
Take at least a 45 minute lunch at least 4 days a week at work
Show up to yoga at least once a week
Take another pottery class
Finish my CJ-7 Jeep restoration
Look into getting back into the judo dojo
Sign up and compete in the Gambler 500 car race
~~Sign up for a letterpress class at SVC Downtown~~
Take another blacksmithing class at The Pratt
Read 1 book every 2 weeks!
Learn how to play the mandolin and banjo better!
Play my uke, banjo, and guitar with others
Build a skin-on-frame canoe for two
Road and mountain bike
Take the puppies to Lincoln Park for a walk at least once a week
Ride the living shit out of my Single -Speed
Bike to work at least 5 times this year (12 miles each way)
Volunteer more at the Center for Wooden Boats
Pay off all credit cards
Go sailing in Puget Sound
Turn some amazing and useful stuff on my lathe
Give lots of $$ to Heifer and MFS
Make at least 1 movie a week for YouTube and post: Adventure and craftsmanship
Monetize my YouTube account and increase my presence and standing in that community
Lessen my Twitter and social media activity…
See my kids and grandchildren more
Be involved in politics more: financally and with a time commitment
Work on my Genealogy database and organize all my info.
Finish the house remodel – even if I have to pay a contractor to do it (…shudder…)
Finish the garage/shop/GROP build
Make.More.Stuff!!
Ride my snowboard and skateboard because I am not too old or too fat
Road trip in WA and on West Coast more
Have two hives of healthy, happy bees
Kayak lots!
See my friends more
Take my wife on vacation
Plant a spring garden and have a really bountiful fall harvest
Have an awesome Griswald-like Christmas light display!

I am printing this list out and pasting copies in my notebook, work planner, in the shop, at my desk at work, on the fridge, and in the basement above my warranty voiding workbench.

Making the yard pretty for 2017

May 26, 2017 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Our back yard has been a mess for over a year: Stacked with left over construction debris, seriously over-grown raised garden beds, unturned compost bins, blackberries along both fences, piles of landscaping stones, weeds, etc.… The front yard was presentable, but only just barely. 2016 was the year of house and garage construction and 2017 was meant to be the year that we focused on the yard. Surgery delayed that a bit and the state of the grounds at La Maison du Talley was getting embarrassing.

I had a couple of guys come out and take a look at our mess to see what it would cost to get it back in home-show worthy shape. I didn’t like either answer. Without going into too much detail about the different bids, the low one was $3500 and the high was almost $5000. There was no way in Hell that the frugal DNA coursing through my veins, passed down from both the Talley and Webster lines, would biologically allow me to spend that kind of money on grass, mulch, and a few flowers.

After I was well on the mend and cleared by my physical therapist, I did some planning, logistic estimation, material cost math, and decided to do it myself with a bit of casual day labor. I also decided that the mature ornamental cherry trees I wanted for the parking strip would have to wait, that I didn’t need to bring in topsoil and plant grass seed. I scaled back the dream a little bit, bought 86 rolls of sod, 19 bags of mulch, 8 bags of garden soil, some boxwood shrubs, 15 Spanish lavender plants, and let my sweet wife buy all the pretty flowers that her heart desired.

In two days, the front and back yards were transformed! I hauled away 1600 pounds of yard waste, made one dump run for trash, one run full of recyclables, and we spent less than $1000. We will spend the next few weeks watering and fussing over little details, but by July 4th, we should have Ireland-green grass, pretty flowers, healthy fruit trees and the BBQ grill roaring. Money and time well spent.

Stuff that my wife has said that leaves me speechless

May 23, 2017 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Continuing in the theme of previous posts about the shocking and funny things that occasionally spew forth from my wife:

Laurel has started calling the Amazon Cart the “Gift Basket” then mumbling curse words under her breath, after accidentally buying everything that was in the “Cart.” Our Amazon grocery and regular Amazon stuff accounts got linked and she bought a ton of stuff, including a CB for my Jeep, a 20 gallon waste oil container for my shop, and a Ninja Blender. We had no idea until stuff just started showing up at the house. It was like Christmas in May!

We were waiting in line one night outside The Showbox in downtown Seattle, an iconic music venue right by Pike Place Market, and a guy walked by with a big strait ginger beard that would have made any self-respecting viking proud. My wife and I have a deal: She keeps her hair long and I don’t grow a beard. I looked over at her as he walked past and said with a raised eyebrow, “That could be me.” Without a seconds thought she replied, “It sure could. You will notice he is walking alone…” Point, set, and match.

I was standing in the kitchen doorway, unnoticed by my vegetarian-hippie-raised wife as she was delicately eating a strip of bacon and heard her say: “I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”

While out to eat one Saturday night my sweet bride made a flippant comment about it “…being OK to miss the previews…” for the movie we were running a little late to because dinner was taking a while. I gave her the stink eye as I LOVE the previews and she said: “Thou shalt not glare on date night if you want to sleep with a real girl tonight…”

After I made a joke at her expense on the way home from the same movie, she snapped back, “It is mother-fucking date night. You have to be nicer to me.”

One evening after two too many glasses of wine, Stamps-With-Foot got a little sick. It is the first time in like 10 years that this has happened. She felt BAD and demanded I call the ambulance. I said no, while holding her beautiful long hair up and out of the way. She said: “I am dying. Why won’t you listen to me?!” I said: “I am sober and you are not. You are not dying, but you will feel really crappy tomorrow” Her reply was: “That seems plausible,” which she said in a perfectly sober and lucid voice before returning to the continued hugging of the porcelain with nary another word about requiring emergency medical assistance.

She is hooked on The Get Down, a Netflix TV show. She came sliding into the living room one Saturday morning as I was drinking coffee and snuggling puppies on the couch. She dropped into a low martial arts-ish stance and started singing Kung Fu Fighting, made some chops and kicks in the air, executed a jump turn, and then vanished to continue her TV binge watching. About an hour later she emerged and said as she walked to the kitchen, “I was born in the wrong decade. I would have been a disco queen in the ’70s.” No preamble, no justification, no reasoning, just a statement of fact.

Brodie is having surgery again today

April 12, 2017 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Brodie, our 9-year old French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix, is having surgery today. This is his 2^nd in three weeks. He had a growth on his foot that was causing him to limp and three days after I had hip surgery, my wife took him to the vet to have it removed. The pathology came back as a Basal Cell Carcinoma and they didn’t get it all with the first surgery. It has been really hard on Stamp-With-Foot. I am down with the hip, not able to even tie my own shoes yet and she has had to deal with me, work, veterinary oncology appointments, Dr. bills, diving me to appointments, our health insurance, pet insurance, our 2016 taxes, house stuff, etc. The issue with Brodie has hit her really hard and there have been lots of tears and lots of worry.

Brodie is, after all, my wife’s “fur-child.” She loves him with all of her heart. True story: We took some of our wedding pictures with Brodie and while posting some of them on Facebook, my bride cut me out of one photo and pasted the “new” one of just her and Brodie – he was wearing a bow tie and looked smug.

The prognosis for his full recovery after surgery is really good. They are going to have to take one or two toes, but the disease has not metastasized into his lungs or lymph nodes, so the amputation will hopefully be the end of it.

4/24/2017 Update:

Great News! We got the tests back and it looks like they got everything by removing the one outside left front toe. We are all very relieved! Brodie just wants the bandage off, the Cone of Shame to go away forever, and all the stitches out. He has take the bandage off himself like 4 times, much to the displeasure of Stamps-With-Foot.

Stuff My Wife Says – Volume II

January 10, 2017 / Matt Talley / 5 Comments

I have written previously about some of the things that have come up in conversation with my sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, awesome wife. Well, with the passage of time I have… err… SHE has more to say on the subject. Enjoy:

I was splashing my wife in the hot tub the other night and she yells “Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!!” It is apparently her new “safe word”. My safe word is bacon.
While Living in France, we bought a lot of wine that we brought back to the US. Most of it is in the normal .75L size bottle, but there are some .375L demi-bouteilles, a few 1.5L magnums, and one 3L double magnum bottle as well. Stamps-With-Foot has taken to calling the .375L bottles “Juice Boxes.” I teased her that it is because they would fit in her lunch box. She looked up at me with smiling, happy, dreamy eyes, then over at her 1984 metal Thundercats lunch box (really that is what she takes to work) and said, “Yes… they would…”
Long story short, I made a crude off hand remark about a lady who’s “carpet matched the drapes”. Instead of smacking me for being a misogynistic and sexist asshole, my wife looked at me with great annoyance and said sarcastically “Great, now I have to think about her snatch!” I had nothing more to say.
I failed to use my turn signal in moderate traffic while driving near limousine, France and lamented that I was being a bad/unsociable driver. Stamps-With-Foot said offhandedly while looking out the window: “Fuck that. This is France, do you know how many of these motherfuckers have cut me off over the last two years? Fuck them.” 30 seconds later she got all excited, bright eyed, wiggling in her seat with joy & happiness over a fortified Chateau we were passing.
My lovely bride walked into the living room the other night with her phone and computer in hand while wearing mix-matched PJs. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she shot back with, “This is as sexy as it gets tonight, maybe all weekend.” Fair enough.
We went out to my company’s winter event just after New Year’s and Stamps-With-Foot looked killer in a long tight velvet dress. As we were getting ready, she looked at me and said, “Tonight is a two drink minimum night”. I started to correct her and she stopped me, making it plain that she did not misspeak and that I was the Designated Driver for the evening.
“I love puppies, diamonds, and PJs – in that order.” Not sure why she said this. It just popped up out of the blue one Saturday afternoon.
Two months after the 2016 presidential election, I casually mentioned talking the “Bernie” sticker off her car window. She snapped back, “You will not touch it! I love that wrinkly old motherfucker and I need to hold onto the faith for a while.” Ok… Me no touchy…
Our female French bulldog, Truffle, has a big personality and is super lovable. She is also pushy, selfish, sneaky, petty. During one painful week long interlude, she puked on my chest while I was asleep, pissed in Stamps-With-Foot’s car seat because we “made” her wear a sweater in 30 degree temperatures, tried to pee on my pillow because I had the audacity to move her from my spot at bedtime, puked on an antique wool Persian rug, took a dump on the front porch because the grass was wet, fucked up a couch pillow, tore the heart out of Brodie’s favorite toy, she chewed up 3 pencils, stole food from Brodie, and went all Cujo on a contractor working at the house. My wife looked at me one morning and said, “No more girl dogs. They are too much work. Just boy dogs – they can be gay though.” I had no words.

Productive weekend with Heavy Equipment – The Old Garage is Down!

April 20, 2016 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Super Productive weekend! The old garage came crashing down at about 9:00am on Saturday. All it took was a little push with the forklift at the peak of the roof (I rented an extension boom forklift and a jack-hammer to assist with the garage and old slab destruction) I didn’t take out any fences or cars, but one of our recycling cans took a beating. Within 3 hours it was all loaded into a debris dumpster that I had dropped Friday morning.

The forklift was a little manky to start and keep running. I would overload the hydraulics just a touch and instead of straining, it would die and take 3-5 minutes to restart. The rental company was supposed to bring another one out, but we kept waiting and waiting and just making do as we whittled away at the slab and footing with the jackhammer and forks. While the garage demo was a breeze, the slab was something else altogether. It was super tough, full of quarter-sized aggregate, and 6 inches thick. The footing was +16” deep. I was impressed – I thought it was just some concrete poured over dirt like our basement slab. Nope, this stuff was WAY overbuilt for the tiny carriage house. I could had parked a tank on this thing and it would have been just fine.

With the slab about ¼ split and loaded into a second dumpster, the forklift finally died. After a couple of calls, the rental company brought me a free 18000lb rated track-hoe with a bucket thumb and a pusher blade!!! That translated into an adult sized Tonka toy for my yard. It was 5:30 or so by the time the track hoe was off loaded, so after demonstrating that I wouldn’t run it into a power pole, I parked it and work in the house a little. I try to be a good neighbor and running heavy equipment while it is dinner time in a neighborhood does not endear you to others.

I was up and at it at 8:00 the next morning and the second piece of equipment was so sweet and made the tear out and load go so much faster than I expected! However, it is apparently not a normal occurrence to have a piece of heavy equipment spinning, grunting, working in my little neighborhood. I one point I looked over and I have 5 neighbors standing in the shade of a neighbor’s garage, drinking beer and watching me demo. When I took a potty break, one asked me if I could break something to make it more interesting. Son of a… They had gathered to watch me wreak havoc and as it did not ensue, were somewhat disappointed in me.

After five hours on the track hoe the garage, the whole slab, footings, three tree stumps, and four posts that were set in concrete were loaded and ready for transport. All our water lines, fences, and overhead electrical lines were still intact so it was a successful second and final day of garage demo. My back yard is now a flat spot of dirt and is waiting for a new garage slab.

After playing in the yard for most of the day, Stamps-With-Foot and I went into Seattle and bought all the paint (Benjamin Moore only thank you very much) for the house interior and new fixtures and lights for the main floor bathroom and the laundry room sink. I then cut and installed the new bathroom vanity on the main floor and did a little electrical work in the basement. It was then shower and night-night time, because I have a regular J-O-B to go to every morning.

Still a Subaru Family

March 14, 2016 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Stamps-With-Foot has some sort of internal need to be a Soccer Mom. She has been dreaming about owning a boxy Subaru Forester for years – since at least 2005 when we drove our friend Brauning’s Outback up the California coast and on to Oregon that summer. When passing a forester on the highway, she would smile and mentioned her admiration. It happened a LOT…

Fast-forward to 2016. We moved back to the US from France and Laurel needed a new ride. 1st choice, only choice, a red Subaru Forester. Off we went to the local Scooby Dealer and my sweet wife went into full Turkish carpet-seller mode. She bargained hard over two days, made them explain everything to her, and wrangled some free car washes. With the car she got the cargo rack, all weather floor mats (in addition ti the carpet ones), rear cargo rubber mat & cover, and heated seats. I think the sales guy just wanted her to leave and gave up the last bit in hopes it would make her stop trying to deal.

We took her new ride on a road trip to the Oregon Coast last weekend with five people and all their gear in it. It handled the hills, rain and wind like a champ and with the cargo box on top (same one we have had for 7 years) everyone’s stuff fit just fine.

Roman Holiday – my birthday 2015

February 10, 2016 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife and I have destination birthdays. She likes castles and I have a historical/cultural bucket list of places. In 2015 she went to Neuschwanstein for her Birthday and I chose Rome for my birthday trip this year.

We spent 3 night and 4 days exploring the city: Ancient, medieval, and modern. Did some light shopping, saw amazing art & sculpture, ate, drank perfect coffee after perfect coffee, and had delicious wine. Our apartment was just steps from Vatican City and we spent an entire day touring its Museums, Sistine chapel and St. Peters. To say it was packed is an understatement of high degree. There were people EVERYWHERE.

Other sites visited included: Basilica Santa Maria, Trevi Fountain (under remodel), The Spanish Steps, Piazza Navona, Villa Borghese & the villa gardens, Colosseum, Forum, the Pantheon, and small streets and piazzas throughout the city. We strolled along the banks of the Tiber, kissed in the shadow of the San Angelo Fortress, listened to street musicians, and had much gelato!

The small shops in and around the Trastevere district and pocket restaurants were probably our favorite. Laurel even had a fine pair of bespoke and bejeweled leather Roman sandals made one evening after we happened upon a small cobbler shoppe.

Below are a few pictures from our trip.

Mid-month Update – Jan 2016

January 16, 2016 / Matt Talley / 3 Comments

We have a LOT going on around La Maison du Talley and I have had 12 texts and e-mails about different stuff, so here is an overall update:

We have our garage permit!! I did a victory dance when our contractor sent me the mail.
Building is on hold for a bit though as we have an issue inside the house that has to be dealt with before ANYTHING else. Looks like it will not be cheap, but it has to happen right now.
The old garage will be clear as of tomorrow and ready for demo, but that has to wait on the house as well. Dammit!
Still don’t have an HVAC contractor for the house – 2 that can’t do the work until summer, one that won’t send a written quote, one in the running, one contractor that sent me a quote that is for almost the same amount as the entire garage build & double the next closest bid, and another that I am on the fence about – mixed reviews, but good pricing.
We finally had the new hot tub cover delivered and it is fantastic: light, ridged, perfect color… Stamps-With-Foot is stoked.
Finished the movie (shot with a GoPro) about our cross country jeep trip, but YouTube blocked the audio because I used a snip-it of Hendrix’s Voodoo Chile, which is uber verboten. I will edit it for sound this weekend – maybe some rockin’ blues and re-post with links.
Sticking to my workout schedule and wrist is 90%+ healed from the break. My gym has hung heavy bags and I want to start smackin’ them, but will wait for wrist to heal 100%.
Still chubby 🙁
Jeep is running great. Front window seal is leaking a touch and need to unstick the odometer. She will be getting an oil change and fluid check this weekend.
The puppies/monsters are good, but they long for the Toulousian sunshine.
I made three more bowls in pottery class and have decided to make matching food and water bowls for the puppies as my first project.
My J-O-B is great.
Really happy to be back in Seattle.
Our furniture won’t be here until February. Customs issues…
Nana is good, ~~her Seahawks are good~~. She wrangled 90 days of free HBO from Comcast, so she is happy.
Stamps-With-Foot is happy to be going back to work.
Looking forward to Date Night with my wife tonight at an awesome hole-in-wall Greek place in West Seattle.

A Modern Wedding Arch Build

September 7, 2015 / Matt Talley / 2 Comments

My Brother-in-law and his then fiancé decided early this year that they would visit us in France and while here have a little wedding… Stamps-With-Foot freaked out and turned on the ‘Big-Sister Action Mode’ setting on her internal processor. She quickly organized the shipping logistics, helped with transportation, found lodging for all, located a restaurant for the reception, sourced champagne and wine, etc… I had two jobs. 1. Make sure the yard was a perfect/green as possible. 2. The wedding arch. It was implied that fvcking up either would have dire consequences.

I sketched a bunch of ideas up in my notebook and talked to the bride a little about her ideas and wants over Skype and e-mail. I had planned on doing a big natural arch with the pruned limbs of 70-100 apple and plum trees, but my source burned the branches before I could get to them. I went with Plan B and drew up a modern interpretation of a classic white wedding arch. The bride said ‘go’ and it was on.

The arch is made from 4 meter (13.14’) X 1.25”X1.25” pine sticks that I sourced at the local lumber yard. They are sold for fencing trim and to cut foundation stakes from. I painted each with two coats of white paint and the bottom is held together with 10mm all-thread. The top is screwed one stick to another – everything is pre-drilled.

All was finished one day before the ceremony with the bride’s brother, cousin and sister helped out with the final painting (taking turns with the one roller) and installation. I really couldn’t finished in time without their help and support.

The bride and groom seemed very happy with the work and allowed me to even officiate their wedding. Honored does not even begin to describe my feelings about being included in this way. It was my first time getting to use my Ordained Minister credentials and I am SO adding wedding officiate to my resume! I will add some pictures and wedding details later – after the bride has had a chance to flood her social media accounts with pictures to her little heart’s content. Out-doing of being faster than the bride to share “her day” with the world would be bad juju…

As you can see from the pictures – I succeeded in Job 1 as well: Greenest yard in Toulouse:-)

Updated Materials list and build instructions:

Material:
2 – 3/8”X3’ sections of “all-thread” (Home Depot or Lowes)
4 – 3/8” nuts
4 – 3/8” washers
40-45 – 1”X1”X12’ garden stakes/lathe
These can be substituted by ripping down 2X6 or 2×8 boards on a table saw. The finished stakes will be 1.5”X1”
100ish 1.5” deck screws
White paint with primer

Tools:
Two saw horses or cinder blocks
Paint brush
Hand saw or circle saw
4 – hand clamps
hammer
Two battery drills
Socket set
Combination wrench set
½” drill bit
1/8” Drill bit for pilot holes
Two helpers that have not started drinking or toking

Directions:
1. Check with the bride and get her sign off before any purchase of build is started.
2. After acquiring your stakes or making them, leave them bundled or tie them with packing string. If you removed them from the bundle before assemble, they are likely to warp.
3. Paint all available sides with thick coat of white paint
4. Put on second thick coat
a. You can let you helpers do this and it does not have to be a sober day project. It is better if they are altered. They will paint each other. It will happen.
5. Let paint dry overnight and out of the weather
6. Cut the bundle, retie the stakes with packing string with the unpainted side out.
7. Drill ½” hole in the bottoms of all the stakes about 1/2” from the bottom and on the centerline.
8. Measure up from the top of that hole ½ to 1” and cut what are now your spacer blocks off.
9. Drill ½” hole in the new bottoms of all the stakes about 1/2” from the bottom and on the centerline. Or you can drill both holes in all your stakes at the same time and cut between them.
10. Figure out the spacing of the “floor” of you arch by standing bride, groom and officiate up and seeing what that width is.
11. Add 18”-24” on each side. 10’ is great normally, but you decide.
12. Move all material and tools to the spot where the arch will be erected.
13. Mark out you width on a spate stake and place it in your desired location.
14. Double check with the bride if this is what she wants.
15. Cut your now fully painted bundles
16. Lay you first two sections and have them cross with 6-10” left at the top.
17. Clamp the bottoms to the stake, leaving the ½” hole uncovered.
18. Check the top again and if correct, drill a pilot hole in the top over-lapping stake.
a. This is super important! ALL screw holes must be pre drilled or you will split the wood.
b. This will piss the bride off and you will have a bad day.
19. Insert the all-tread into the bottom hole and put the washer on from the front (under), followed by the nut. Just tighten till the threads are covered on the end.
a. Have one of you sober helpers hold this all-thread until the 5th or 6th course of stakes are laid. If not, then you will split the stakes at the bottom and the bride will find out. You will get into trouble.
20. Slide a spacer block on after each stake is put on.
21. With your sober helpers holding the All-thread, lower another stake into place.
22. You will want to lower both ends at the same time or something will crack.
23. Move to the peak and space the second set.
a. I used a scrap bit of stake so that I would have 1” stakes and 1” spacing between, but if I had to do it again, I would use a 1+1/2” block (skinny part of a 2X4) as the spacer. It makes for a more dramatic fan when done.
24. Drill pilot hold and repeat step 17 – 22 until you have about ½” left on the end of the all thread.
25. Assembly is easier from inside the arch.
26. At some point your sober helpers will start looking for a cooler or a lighter. Do not let them wander off. Trust me.
27. Put on your next par of washers and nuts and hand tighten.
28. Use second set of hand clamps to put another stake across the bottom of the back of the arch. This and the one on front will be removed after you stand it up, but they will help keep everything ridged until it is up.
29. Cut four 18-24” sections of a spare stake and either have a still sober helper sharpen the end (the proper instruction is “like a Vampire stake…”) or you can cut it at an angle with a hand saw
30. Now with all available help stand the arch up, gently.
31. Have the bride sign off on the build and location. Not the bride’s mother. The lady in white herself. Seriously.
32. After you have the OK, then carefully insert a “vampire stake” between two stakes and hammer it into the ground until there is 2” sticking up above the side of the arch.
a. Don’t screw this up and hit the arch with the hammer. You might break something and then you will have to go into witness protection or move to Bulgaria.
33. Predrill a hole in the stake and arch and attach the two.
34. Do this on all four corners.
35. Remove the clamped on temporary bottom sections.
36. You may now release the helpers to become a chemically altered as they so desire.
37. Touch up any or the missing paint from the cords or the assembly.
38. Bask in glory of your accomplishment with a cold malted beverage.

Puttering around in the shop

August 31, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I had a super shitty trip home from Morocco and was stressed out & pissed off when I got up Saturday morning.

First Coffee.

I then decided that and working on some current projects, a couple of little things on the lathe, and making lots of sawdust and wood shavings would make it all better.

I am in the process of building an old-school 6-board chest (now 8-board as I added a skirt to front and rear…) and had some white pine scrap sections left from the two sides and the bottom. I glued them up before I left for Casablanca and when I got home I decided to turn a quick fruit dish for the kitchen/my wife. It took all of about 20 minutes and is 10.5″ in diameter and 2″ tall. I am pretty happy with the results.

What I want Thursday

May 28, 2015 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Current ‘shit that I want/need list’:

For my mom to feel 100% better
To stop traveling SO MUCH for work
To stop eating so many carbs and so much sugar
For my wife to feel all better
A three day walk in the mountains
6 Days in Rome without my cell phone
To rock climb with my friends in the French countryside
About 15 hard cover books about beekeeping and cabinet making
Some serious cash to give to Heifer and MSF
To be 100% certain of what can and should be done with our house in Seattle: rebuild or sell
For my wife to finish some alterations and repairs for me
A slender dark grey Yorkshire cap
To stop worrying about our house in Seattle
A sweet tweed vest
A few pair of cordovan and black monk-strap wing-tips from Al’s Attire
A Filson medium travel bag.
A couple of belts
To start working out again in earnest and stick to it

Stuff My Wife Says:

May 4, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife, Stamps-With-Foot, has a normally dry sense of humor and sometimes she is unintentionally hilarious. Other times I am shocked at some of the stuff that her brain comes up with that her sweet innocent little mouth then utters. I have been recording a few of them lately and the choicest pearls are below.

We bought a chocolate tart from a local patisserie on our way into town one afternoon. It was dairy free, gluten free, and egg free. After tasting it, my sweet tiny wife said, “What the fuck is this thing made of, unicorn tears?!”
She mixed the old and new high-priced boogie dog food together – three different flavors. The dogs refuse to touch it, so my wife has spent a fine portion of her evening sitting on the kitchen floor in her PJs sorting the kibble cussing and snarling about the “fucking spoiled-ass monsters” …and yet she went on doing it…
While at the Musee du Picasso, we walk by a surrealist blue woman reclining. My wife stopped and said, “I don’t really like it, but something draws you to the center of the painting.” I said half-joking, “Probably the huge anus in the middle.” and she shook her head knowingly and said nonchalantly, “Yes, that is probably it…”
At dinner the other night, my wife looked down at a not cheap glass of red wine and said softly, “Why can’t I quit you?!” she then took a sip. I think she was mentally calculating how much each taste cost.
My bride is a visual person: she has to see something real time to make a decision. This means that I often have to move a piece of furniture 5ish times before she decides to put it back in the original place. While doing this dance recently over a new piece of furniture, I sketched up the room and all the associated furnishings in MSVisio and she tried every possible combination. There was a plan. She had made a decision. When the day came to start moving that plan melted away like it never existed. Before we even started I mentioned my thoughts on correct placement, but she needed to “See” it. After moving it around and around in real-life a few times, she decided to put it the piece in the EXACT spot that I had pointed out initially. I uttered an under-toned ‘told you so…’ and she got all wide-eyed, stamped her foot, raised her voice and said, “You know I am a bad listener!”
Anytime that my sweet wife cannot remember the name of a town or a village, she calls it Hogsmeade. It doesn’t matter what country we are in or what historical significance that the place may have, if she can’t remember then it is her shorthand name, but I thought it was just kind of our own private nerdy joke. Nope. We had lunch in a small hamlet at the bottom of a glorious castle in Bavaria and in the accounting software we use she labeled it as “Lunch in Hogsmeade.” I almost want to be audited just so that I can show them that particular entry…
We were in discussion to add a dining room addition in our place in Seattle. Stamp-With-Foot has wanted a chandelier for years and said her only request was that we install one over the table. I jokingly said that “I didn’t get the memo for that” and it “…wouldn’t be possible unless the change notice request was submitted in writing.” She walked over to the whiteboard in my office and wrote in cute bubbly script: MEMO: Motherfukin’ Chandelier and then said, “Now you have it in writing.”

Museum of the History of Paris – a MUST see

March 25, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

The Musee Carnavalet (The History of Paris Museum) is a hidden gem! It is off the normal well-beaten tourist path and within walking distance from St. Eustace Church and the Picasso Museam. It is full of treasures including an entire Alfonse Mucha designed jewelry store – see pictures below. It made me feel all funny inside when my wife drug me there. She tried to get me to go with her this summer , but I wanted to do something else that now escaes me. I should have listened to her. There are 100+ rooms of paintings and sculpture, models, furniture, and good stuff to gawk at.

Set in a series of old Parisian town homes and Orangeries that are all put together with walkways and joined gardens. One of the cooler aspects is that you wander through re-creations of rooms from the French Revolution to the Paris Commune, and enter into the private spaces of famous Parisians like Marcel Proust’s bedroom with his brass bed and his little table covered in pens, ink, and notebooks. As I said, I was drug here the first time, but it is on my list to visit now even if I am in the city alone for a few hours. It was not too crowded at all and the gardens are a really nice place to sit in and catch up on your travel journal entries. Did I mention that the admission is free?!

The Grand Bazaar – Istanbul 2015

March 22, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

The Grand Bazaar in Istanbul is purportedly the largest tourist attraction in all the world. Maybe. We were there in the winter – snow on the ground – and it was still packed. After an accidental trip to the Egyptian Bazaar (cabby issues are the bane of every traveler’s visit to the city), we decided on the full Grand Bazaar experience: walking all the lanes, seeing the sites, listening to all the languages and the sellers hawking their wares. My wife, who is an expert haggler, attempted to buy all the scarves in Turkey. We bought a few little souvenirs for people we love (my mother’s and my father-in-law’s birthdays were coming up). I ate a significant amount of pistachio Baklava and honeycomb. We also had lunch and coffee at a kebab place hidden in the bowels of the market that was serving the market sellers when we arrived – a sure sign of authentic yumminess.

Stamps-With-Foot had a “No Pestering” policy and when one of the sellers started harassing her to buy or to come in his shop, she would move on. It seemed to work and she was left alone to browse and shop and got a couple of bargains. I was the designated pack mule and carried all the bags. I also assisted in the negotiations for some of the goods – playing the tired husband who’s wife is on a spending spree – they had no idea that the bags were filled with $1-10 dollar items. It worked great and she got a gift for her dad at 1/3 the original asking price as well as a couple silk scarves for a ridiculously low price. The scarf seller looked at me with knowing eyes and brought me apple tea while she tore through his stacks looking for “the right one… or five…”

Words fail me in describing all that we saw and did, but the images below should give you an idea.

Turkish Carpet Sellers

March 11, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Carpet Sellers: I have purchased rugs and carpets from multi-generational vendors from Istanbul to Marrakesh, Casablanca to Chendu, Ankara to Toulouse. These men, always men, have spoken every conceivable language – especially the numbers – and have seen every bargaining trick known to man.

My wife is an expert haggler and has no qualms about walking away from a market seller and going to the next stall in full view of the first seller. She was in Marrakesh when I bought my first Moroccan Hanbel, but she didn’t do the actual bargaining – she drank the sweet mint tea and watched. It think this left a hole in the part of her soul that needs to haggle (the Burton side of her genetic pool) and she has been twitching to buy a carpet ever sense. I think that she wanted to bargain with the best of the best – to test her mettle and skill. Our recent trip to Istanbul provided her with that opportunity.

Our first carpet stop was at a 5-story establishment late one evening just before dinner near the Blue Mosque. We were handed off to a tall, greasy, smooth-talking seller that had spent lots of time in the US and was the picture of shady used car salesman. Seriously. We let him talk and lie and talk and lie. After about 2 hours and in the middle of what was probably his dinner time, we started negotiating prices. I really wanted a unique 5X7 kilim and Laurel was eye-balling a wool runner. The seller wanted BMW prices for the equivalent a small Honda with a tiny engine. Laurel gave him a final price for both and he unceremoniously ushered us out of the door. I really liked that Kilim and it became another “One that got away.” A shame that it did not go home with us… It will forever be like the hanbel (kilim is the Turkish word) in Essaouira, Morocco that I left folded on the floor there that still calls to me. Every so often my wife will say, “Remember that rug…” and we both get a little sad.

Our second stop was the next night and due to my schedule, we showed up 15 minutes before their scheduled closing time. No worries, three people stayed and tea and carpets and rugs appeared from all corners of the shop. My sweet wife busied herself inspecting a $3000 silk carpet that stayed in the store where it found her. Our seller was another guy that had spent some serious time in the US and although would also have been at home at any New Jersey used car lot, was more polished and a touch more upfront than our dealer the night before.

Laurel went to work on him. We were good-cop bad-cop right away. I was the bored, broke husband upset at my wife’s spending habits and she was the doe-eyed, sweet little girl who couldn’t make up her mind. She is awesome at that. We work the shit out of it and she was so good that she completely had me convinced that she wanted an entirely different rug – crafty that one is.

In the end she got an amazing small wool rug with insane knotting and detail for our bedroom and I got a small wool on wool rug for the living room. Now, we did not get the deal of the century, but we didn’t have to sell blood to finance our taxi ride back to the hotel either. We got a decent price, but make no mistake – the seller made good money.

My hope was that this one experience might satisfy her need to buy Turkish/Persian/Moroccan carpets… Nope. She talked about “the next one” on the taxi ride home. I have helped created a monster.

In Paris For Valentines Day – 2015

February 16, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had to go to Paris the week of Valentine’s Day for the final meeting to renew my French Work Visa. It was a bit of a Keystone Cops affair, but in the end we are all good and get to live and work (just me for that one. Stamps-With-Foot no get to worky…) in France for another year. Since we we in the city of Love & Light, we stayed over an extra night to celebrate the occasion like champs. We made a last minute reservation for dinner, tried to see a show at the The Folies Bergère (nope), and spent the day storming to and from museums around the city: The Rodin, The newly re-opend Picasso, The Orsay and the amazing History of Paris Museum, which we showed up to 20 minutes before they closed and made a mad dash for the Mucha designed Jewelry store exibit.

It was fantastic. We got to tour some beautiful sites together, view amazing art and furniture, buy some postcards, do a little shopping, make some memories, and hold hands while walking across the Seine at night with Notra Dame lit behind us. Very Romantic. Not many people can say that they ‘Spent Valentine’s day in Paris…’ We both feel really blessed!

A few pictures from the trip:

2014: My year in Review

January 5, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Moved into house in small village near Toulouse France
Started running and lifting again
Set up office at home
Had to deal with broken furniture from move – Insurance company was fairly easy to deal with
Fixed some stuff, got other new stuff
Flight to Florida for work
At least 10 hours a day spend at J-O-B
Work Laptop stolen in Paris hotel Room – Super pissed!!
Met friend both new and Old in and around Toulouse.
Trip to China for a week
More work, more coffee
Cut down a deceased cherry tree and made 3 big bowls
Gave two away
Played Pétanque with the old guys in my village
Built 5 benches for the house over a 5–week period
Work crazy hours
Flight back to Seattle for 2 weeks work/vacation
Visit to Carcassonne and Limoux
Found amazing French junk shop in the middle of nowhere
Joined a French beekeeping group
Bought a wood Lathe
Worked more crazy hours
Rode my bikes a little – not enough.
Made stuff for house: instrument hangers, book shelves, lids, kitchen island, etc…
Running and lifting again somehow stopped and work increased…
Got a new Banjo
Horribly addicted to coffee
Blogged a good bit
Started setting up small hand tool work shop in garage
Son in France for 2 months
Got a canoe for Father’s Day
Bastille Day in Carcassonne
Began building 450# traditional work bench
Quit Facebook
Spent way too much at local wood supply house
Made 4-5 small pieces of furniture for the house
Father in law in France for a month
Fixed some furniture for a co-worker and another piece for a neighbor
Adopted new puppy – Truffle
Flights to Germany, Marseilles and Paris
Super stressed – J-O-B
Getting fat(er)
41st Birthday trip to Porto, Portugal
Got an awesome watch as a gift from sweet wife
Trip to Morocco for J-O-B – bought 2 fantastic carpets while there
Thanksgiving in Turkey – sort of funny sounding. Was working
Grew a beard – wife disgruntled
Flight to Arkansas
Became a Grandfather!!
A beautiful baby girl!
Feel super-old
Tried to bribe a Friend’s parents into selling me his old jeep
Enacted a diabolical plan to make the jeep mine
Spent 14th Birthday with Son
Got most of Christmas shopping done in US
Came home to France with new mandolin and vintage violin
Cut down another cherry, and apricot and a plum and started making bowl blanks
Back to work and back to more 10-12 hour days and calls until 10pm
Christmas snuck up on me again.
Read 20 books in 2014 – almost shameful. Will read more next year
Spent holiday in Pau, France at a friend’s parent’s place and ate and drank until I was ready to pop
Finished top for new work bench – only took six months
Had two friends from London come over for New Years
Spent first weekend of 2015 snowboarding with two friends in Andorra

Four days in the US: lots of work, frenzied shopping, and severe jet lag

November 12, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…

Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.
 Had 06:30 flight to the U.S.  
Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.
 Took retainer away and scolded puppy.  Went to get tooth brush.  
Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.
 Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch.  
I LOST MY MIND!!!
 Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury.  
Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.
 After completing her business, dog went into the kennel.  
She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.
 It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.
 Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.

Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.

My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:

Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More

I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.

What I Want Thursday – 11/6/14

November 6, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Below are the things that I find are present for me today:

1. More time with my children and my mom.

2. I want to stick to my diet and workout schedule and not fall off the wagon and back into the cookie/café Mocha/lethargic/big-belly/back-hurting abyss.

3. For my wife to finish some long ago promised sewing tasks for me – I would really like those shorts, pants, and shirts back…

4. a Fine large set (only 2) of Easy Wood carbide insert lathe chisels for all the fall and winter bowl work I have planned

5. For my proper car camping/glamping kitchen set up to be finished – it is about 1/2 the way done and sitting in the GROP.

6. A leisurely trip to Rome and Venice with my wife – no puppies, no family, no friends – just us for a week or so.

7. For my Joiners workbench to be done and set up and in use. I am only about 1/3 of the way done and only have 8 of the 17 sections of the top laminated up.

8. A few books: Franklin Bio by Wood, Paris Between the Wars 1919-1939: Art, Life & Culture; Ernest Hemmingway bio and a two books of his letters (1&2), A signed hardbound copy of Campaign Furniture
Theodore Roosevelt: a Strenuous Life, The Anarchist’s Tool Chest etc…

9. A whole Metric crap-ton (my favorite unit of measure) of wooden wine crates for a couple of open projects at home.

10. To give Heifer International a menagerie of animals for Christmas – That is my charity goal for the year. We give monthly, but I would like to be able to do more this year.

11. For our 2015 French Visas to be finished so we can get on with plans for next year.

Porto and The Douro Valley

September 24, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

For my Birthday – the 12th anniversary of my 29th year – my sweet wife and I went on a long weekend to Porto. I almost ruined our trip before it began by leaving my passport in my work briefcase – I flew in late from London the night before and that is my only thread of an excuse. A friend’s wife raced to our place and the made the hour and 20 minute drive to the airport in an hour and five. I was the last one on the plane after busting through the closing security gate like I was in a movie. Trip rescued.

It poured on us the first couple of days, so there was lots of sightseeing in churches and port wine tasting rooms. We managed seven in total including the vineyards… When the sun did come out, we found the city to be stunning: Lots of tile, amazing old buildings, picturesque river, etc…

Speaking of churches, we visited the Baroque masterpiece of Sao Francisco Church. Holy Jiminy-Jesus! The gilded wood carving is breathtaking. We could have sat there for hours. Stunning.

Concerning the tastings, we visited 4 of the Porto houses in the Gaia part of the City: Taylor’s, Ramos Pinto, Ferreira, and a local gallery/small scale producer – where Stamps-With-Foot MADE me buy a port wine related board game. She made me. We liked the port at Ramos Pinto the best for everyday consumption and we bought our friend’s wife/passport logistician a fine bottle of 20 year old that was silky smooth. At Taylor’s we/I splurged on a single glass of their 40 year old. Delicious!

For our last full day and on my actual birthday, we took a tour of the Douro Valley and stopped by two vineyards and a local mom and pop shop that made their own that was delectable. Our favorite vineyard and tour was the one at the Quinta do Tedo. Nice place, great tour, good port at a great price. In between the guzzling of the wine, we found the scenery to be breathtaking and Stamps-With-Foot and I decided we could live in a place like the Douro.

What I want Thursday – Birthday Addition 2014

August 28, 2014 / Matt Talley / 1 Comment

In about 3 weeks I will celebrate the 13th anniversary of my 29th birthday and the current plan is to spend the weekend in Porto, Portugal. While there, I want cake (moist yellow cake with chocolate butter-cream frosting), snuggling, a nice glass or 6 of Port, laughter, and a few well thought out gifts. I will NOT work that day – just not going to happen – and I plan to pamper myself with a haircut and a strait-razor shave if it can be found. I might buy some new wingtips, just ’cause they make me happy. Cookies will be eaten and beef will be consumed in quantity.

Below is my birthday wish list – mostly for my wife and children, but feel free to peruse and suggest.

I already have a bunch of crap, so my first request is that you give to a worthy cause.

Heifer International: Bees, Goats, Chickens, Llama, the whole Ark… 🙂
Doctors Without Borders/MSF
Diabetes Research

If you DO want to get me a little token of your love and appreciation:

Books:

Anything from my Amazon wish list
A signed hardbound copy of Campaign Furniture
Theodore Roosevelt: a Strenous Life
I would like a signed copy of Chris Schwartz’s The Anarchist’s Tool Chest
Founding Foodies
A volume on handplanes or a tome on traditional woodworking
Twilight at Monticello
A Lost Art Press volume of The Essential Woodworker
James Krenov’s Cabinet Maker’s Notebook
Two Classic books on Shaker Furniture: here and here.

Stuff:
Don Julio Anejo Tequila
F3 Architect’s Wallet
Porsche Design TecFlex Fountain Pen (F Nib)
New bad-ass cufflinks or these or these…
A Global Chef’s knife, bread knife, and ceramic sharpener
Classic Cartoon DVDs (Bugs, Tom&Jerry, Loony Toons, Road Runner, etc…)
Stainless Omega Seamaster 007 or Planet Ocean with inscription
A fantastic sport coat

Tools:
A pair of 1/2 round molding planes
A Pair of Snipe Bill molding planes
A set of Mortise Chisels

Update:

In addition to a fine long weekend in Porto, my wife gave me a cute desert cookbook, awesome mustache cuff-links, and a watch that I have been asking for. My Father-in-law sent me the funds to buy a nice bottle of port. My Mom hooked me up with an apron for BBQing and the thoughtful gift of Heifer bees. Bottles of good wine and great beer from friends here in France and I got cards and online wishes galore. It all made me very happy. Thank you everyone very, very much!

Weekend Update – the gods of lawn maintenance are displeased

August 18, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We had a national holiday in France on Friday and I made the most of my 3-day weekend.

Instead of the stuff I needed to do I did this:

1. Got up at 7:30 on a holiday
2. Went up into the mountains with a group of Expats for a hike and a picnic – got some great pictures and had fine food
3. Worked on a design for wooden wine box/kitchen cabinets
4. Completely filled my Leuctterm1917 design sketch notebook – took 2 years
5. Watched a girlie movie with my sweet wife
6. Started a new notebook – a Rhodia Webbie this time (I like the paper better)
7. Spent too much time on the interwebs
8. Started formal permit process for garage shop and apartment above at our place in Seattle
9. Sanded, sealed and painted the “T” supports for the workbench/buffet table
10. Rough turned 4 oak bowls from a piece of tree blown down in a storm
11. Sent some e-mails out that I had let sit too long
12. Coated the bowls in wax and will let them cure for a year.
13. Cleaned and organized GROP – oak shavings were EVERY where
14. Composted the shavings with some grass and kitchen scraps
15. Sharpened all my lathe chisels
16. Brained myself on a low hanging bike – said f-word more than once
17. Went to a run along the river
18. Called my Mom and talked for a bit
19. Checked on the kids
20. Cut first 5” top sections for Cornebarrieu Workbench
21. Need a proper circle saw… the 18v battery saw is out of it league on 1.5” beech
22. Worked on the small cabinet rosettes for our neighbor – he also asked me to install a shelf while I was at it…
23. Played with the puppies – while Stamps-With-Foot had a girls night
24. Got sucked into Pinterest
25. Updated website a little (here and Tumblr)
26. Watched a little too much TV/YouTube
27. Took puppies for a walk around neighborhood a couple of times
28. Rode my bike about 10 miles – muddy
29. Cleaned and tuned single-speed bike
30. Played with puppies
31. Did some grilling with beer in hand 
32. Got up Sunday morning and worked for a few hours, – because I thought it was Monday. Damn it!
33. Closed office door and did not return for 24 hours
34. Told wife her hair was very pretty
35. Went for a walk with wife and puppies
36. Made a small parts organizer out of a broken wood bowl
37. Got glue on my favorite shorts
38. Wrote some snail-mail
39. Surfed the interwebs until I fell asleep with the iPad on my chest…
40. I did not mow the yard again. The gods of lawn maintenance are displeased with me.

Puppy Narcissism

August 6, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Our dog is awesome. Everyone that we know likes him and he is even allowed in peoples’ homes that don’t even allow other dogs in their yard! His happiness means a lot to us and we take really good care of him: Warmed gourmet food, toys, lovin’, walks, cheese under the table, loads of attention, snugglein’, fur rugs to nap on, etc… I have told my wife repeatedly, that if I am reincarnated, my first choice would be to come back as her puppy (minus the whole neutering thing…)

Anyway, when we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. It has meant that he has had only us to hang out with and sometimes he gets a little board of the pink monkeys that share his space. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur…

We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings. A recent week+ visit to the puppy spa (really) while we were in Paris convinced us that he was finally ready for a full time buddy – he did great, made multiple friends of different breeds and there was not one incident of bullying or aggression. Right then, the stars aligned and we heard about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family.

When we went to meet her, it was like when my wife met Brodie for the first time: the puppy latched onto Stamps-With-foot, sat down in her lap, applied wet kisses, decided we were good people, and staked her claim. We introduced her to Brodie and they immediately got along. The deal was sealed.

Meet Truffle. She is the newest member of the family.

I just threw the waterlily picture in because it was pretty and from Truffle’s first walk in Toulouse.

Very Productive Weekend – except in the yard.

August 3, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I did not mow the yard this weekend. It just didn’t happen. I meant to and I wanted to… I even took the mower and cord out, but it just didn’t happen. Instead I did this:

1. Redesigned the top of the workbench that I am building.
2. Threatened for 148th time to quit Facebook.
3. Didn’t quite
4. Updated status
5. Cleaned and organized GROP a little while grumbling about my lack of willpower
6. Worked on a J-O-B related spreadsheet
7. Finished bookends for wife – made from Victorian andirons.
8. Cut the base (legs and stretchers) for my workbench.
9. Turned two sets of TINY rosettes for our neighbor to replace a couple that are missing from a piece of furniture – help the neighbors when you can.
10. Put together a set of I-beams to reinforce a table top that is warping – they do that after 250-300 years…
11. Gave my wife a foot rub.
12. Glued up some maple blanks to turn later on
13. Played with the puppies – there are two now.
14. Got sucked into Pinterest
15. Watched a little TV/YouTube
16. Took puppies for a walk around neighborhood
17. Turned a small jar lid for wife out of some scrap cherry
18. Drank some Spanish rosé with wife and had a nice home cooked Thai meal
19. Fixed front door lock at 1:00am
20. Had weird dreams Saturday night
21. Slept in – new puppy had first good night’s sleep 🙂
22. Puppy sat while wife got her hair cut.
23. Told wife her hair was very pretty
24. We took puppies into Toulouse to meet some friends for coffee
25. Walked in park with wife and puppies.
26. Cut and chiseled joints in to ½ of the workbench legs
27. Sucked into Pinterest vortex again
28. Sent some J-O-B e-mail
29. Talked to my mom
30. Text messaged with my daughter
31. Tried to call my son – he was out with friends. Teenagers… 🙂
32. Played with puppies
33. Sent some more work-related e-mail
34. Told wife hair was pretty again
35. Made a tiny adjustment to kitchen island at wife’s request
36. Wrote a snail-mail letter to my aunt and son
37. Filled out a couple of post cards
38. Updated website a little
39. Looked at work calendar for tomorrow – very full.
40. Said dirty words…
41. Went downstairs to snuggle wife, puppies and to stay up too late on Pinterest or stupid Facebook.

Chopping Block Kitchen Island – IKEA Hack

July 10, 2014 / Matt Talley / 2 Comments

Stamps-With_Foot has wanted a chopping block island for years. Our kitchen in Seattle just didn’t have the room for one, but the kitchen in France was PLENTY big enough. I looked into taking some 5/4 maple and gluing it up for her, but without a table saw and a power planer it would have been REALLY difficult. We found a couple that were already built, but they were between 400 and 900 Euros. No.Thank.You. After some deliberation, I decided on an IKEA island – the Groland. Stop Laughing and put down the stones…

While my son (The Ruminator) was here in France on his summer vacation, we bought one in a box, strapped it to the top of the car, drug it home, and started putting it together. I couldn’t leave it stock though, that is just not how I operate 🙂 We added a few flourishes to make it “better.”

1. Turned the legs on the lathe to give it bun feet
2. Glued it all together and added some extra dowels for reinforcement
3. Removed the steel rods on the original and plugged the holes with Dowels
4. Painted the base with a Sea Green Milk Paint
5. Added an additional block section to the bottom of the top panel – to make it super-solid
6. Cut a 6″ hole in the top for sweeping scraps off the work surface
7. Put a large plastic bin – removable from both sides – under scrap hole
8. Bolted rolling pin to one side to towels and placed 2 brass hooks on the other side
9. Scrapped the wood lattice bottom panel and used 7/8″ tongue and groove clear pine decking boards instead.
10. Polyurethaned the top – 5 coats – and bottom shelf so they match and make the painted base “pop”
11. Took a hunk of cherry tree trunk and turned it down as a lid for the scrap hole.

My Son and I had it installed just in time for my chef Father-in-Law, The Chatty Buddha, to visit and whip up a few fine meals using it as a work platform

Leaving for France and our MONSTER To-Do list.

December 21, 2013 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Moving from one country to another, the actual process, is a huge pain in the ass. So much to do and so many details… The complexity of our move was increased because we will continue to own our place in Seattle and we had The Nana move into it. Separating the stuff that would go and stay, fixing small issues like that leaking faucet, winterizing the garden, trimming trees, installing railings and additional locks, and organizing yard and house maintenance contacts was enough to make my head explode.

There were 4 specific and different to-do lists that were drawn up in June and added to as time went on. I would like to tell you that it all got done, but the state of my backyard, the unsold table saws, the uninstalled basement railing and the incomplete bookshelf in our bedroom say different.

Things that were accomplished:

Trimmed our vine maple (see pictures below of Stamps-With-Foot with the chainsaw)
Winterized the pipes and garden
Installed the front stair railing
Installed a speak-easy in the front door, so Nana would not have to open the door to a stranger
Leaves were raked
The raspberry cage was retied
Junk was removed from the backyard
Bills were transferred
The heating-oil tank was filled
Rebuilt bathroom faucet and valve
Cancelled our car insurance
Trimmed the bushes
New tires were purchased for the car we left for Nana to use
Squeaky doors were oiled
Wired a motion detector light in the back yard
Installed an additional basement door lock and metal security screen
My shop was cleaned and organized
Had extra keys made
Upgrades made in the alarm system
We sold one truck and donated another
My father-in-law planted a fig tree and served as grunt labor during Thanksgiving
I drained and prepped the hot tub for 2 years of alone time
Basement became slightly more organized
I hauled two entire loads of brush and projects-that-will-never-be to the dump (and found a very nice Fender guitar and new oak office chair there, but that is a story/post for another day)
Household paint was retouched
Replaced burned out bulbs
Blackberries were trimmed
Removed rust and repainted the front door railings
Did some final cabinet work
Moved two houses worth of furniture and a storeroom into our basement, first floor and garage
Unpacked my mom
Had Cable TV and a home phone installed (we only used cell phones)
Repaired outside wall where cable installer poked extra holes
I busted some plaster in the living room that will wait until I get back in the summer
Hung the TV over the fireplace
etc…etc…etc…