Things My Wife Has Said – Volume IV

October 9, 2018 / Matt Talley / 4 Comments

My sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, funny, smart, awesome wife has the best one-liners. I have taken to writing them down and saving them like little jewels. This is the fourth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

I was trying to be funny and I told my wife that I am sort of like an Uber driver: my beard gives rides for cash. She laughed so hard that wine came out of her nose. When recovered, she gave me $1 and said that she “expected change when her ride was done…”
“Boys who buy their wives sewing machines get favors…”
“Truffle (our female French Bulldog) is a Goddamn snuggle tyrant!”
“Man buns are just comb-overs for hipsters.”
I came home from work and went downstairs to check on how Stamps-With-Foot was doing on the bathroom paint progress. I found her naked, covered in purple paint, and listening to Tupac. When questioned about the state of things she said: “I didn’t want to get paint on my jammies, so I painted naked.”
While out to dinner before seeing a a movie, my wife said: “You might be the Anti-Christ: Since I met you I eat pork, have condoned killing trees for a better view, and was singing along happily to Katy Perry this morning.”
“There should be an escort service for puppies and baby piggies. You could snuggle and love them for an hour and the give them back.”
“I don’t really like any Fructose Corn Syrup, but I really hate it when is high.”
“What is wrong with you?! You bought $60 worth of Girl Scout Cookies into our house, left town, and I am on my period. What the fuck were you thinking?!?!
While standing in the kitchen, very early and wearing a bathrobe: “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
“Budgeting is sexy.”
“Do my boobs look too big in this shirt?” It was a trap.
She went to the wax place on a Saturday and came in the house that afternoon with Vampirella arches above her eyes and asked: “What do you think of my eyebrows?” It was also a trap.
I went snowboarding for the 1st time since hip reconstruction and I was forbidden by my wife to drop into the terrain park. When I got home I was questioned thoroughly. I was honest and said that there were no drops or rails or big air, but admitted taking small jump (more of a hop really) along one of the runs. I got “the look” and she made pre-tirade grumpy noises. I said quickly and defensively: “But I didn’t go into the terrain park!” My sugar sweet, tiny, gentle, accepting, loving, kind wife then said: “Huh?!, that is sort of like you saying ‘but I just got a blowjob from that hooker, I didn’t put it in her butt.'” Seriously, she said that. I was caught unaware, had no response, and couldn’t utter a sound in my defense, mostly due to the shock that those specific words had come out of her mouth at all and in that particular order….. She then hid one of my boarding boots for a couple of weeks.

Stuff My Wife Says – Volume II

January 10, 2017 / Matt Talley / 5 Comments

I have written previously about some of the things that have come up in conversation with my sweet, bubbly, kind, giving, gentle, well-adjusted, awesome wife. Well, with the passage of time I have… err… SHE has more to say on the subject. Enjoy:

I was splashing my wife in the hot tub the other night and she yells “Onomatopoeia! Onomatopoeia!!” It is apparently her new “safe word”. My safe word is bacon.
While Living in France, we bought a lot of wine that we brought back to the US. Most of it is in the normal .75L size bottle, but there are some .375L demi-bouteilles, a few 1.5L magnums, and one 3L double magnum bottle as well. Stamps-With-Foot has taken to calling the .375L bottles “Juice Boxes.” I teased her that it is because they would fit in her lunch box. She looked up at me with smiling, happy, dreamy eyes, then over at her 1984 metal Thundercats lunch box (really that is what she takes to work) and said, “Yes… they would…”
Long story short, I made a crude off hand remark about a lady who’s “carpet matched the drapes”. Instead of smacking me for being a misogynistic and sexist asshole, my wife looked at me with great annoyance and said sarcastically “Great, now I have to think about her snatch!” I had nothing more to say.
I failed to use my turn signal in moderate traffic while driving near limousine, France and lamented that I was being a bad/unsociable driver. Stamps-With-Foot said offhandedly while looking out the window: “Fuck that. This is France, do you know how many of these motherfuckers have cut me off over the last two years? Fuck them.” 30 seconds later she got all excited, bright eyed, wiggling in her seat with joy & happiness over a fortified Chateau we were passing.
My lovely bride walked into the living room the other night with her phone and computer in hand while wearing mix-matched PJs. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow and she shot back with, “This is as sexy as it gets tonight, maybe all weekend.” Fair enough.
We went out to my company’s winter event just after New Year’s and Stamps-With-Foot looked killer in a long tight velvet dress. As we were getting ready, she looked at me and said, “Tonight is a two drink minimum night”. I started to correct her and she stopped me, making it plain that she did not misspeak and that I was the Designated Driver for the evening.
“I love puppies, diamonds, and PJs – in that order.” Not sure why she said this. It just popped up out of the blue one Saturday afternoon.
Two months after the 2016 presidential election, I casually mentioned talking the “Bernie” sticker off her car window. She snapped back, “You will not touch it! I love that wrinkly old motherfucker and I need to hold onto the faith for a while.” Ok… Me no touchy…
Our female French bulldog, Truffle, has a big personality and is super lovable. She is also pushy, selfish, sneaky, petty. During one painful week long interlude, she puked on my chest while I was asleep, pissed in Stamps-With-Foot’s car seat because we “made” her wear a sweater in 30 degree temperatures, tried to pee on my pillow because I had the audacity to move her from my spot at bedtime, puked on an antique wool Persian rug, took a dump on the front porch because the grass was wet, fucked up a couch pillow, tore the heart out of Brodie’s favorite toy, she chewed up 3 pencils, stole food from Brodie, and went all Cujo on a contractor working at the house. My wife looked at me one morning and said, “No more girl dogs. They are too much work. Just boy dogs – they can be gay though.” I had no words.

Apartment Therapy didn’t want what we got…

May 27, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

We sort of have a Wood-Craft/Bohemian/Bookworm thing going for our living room, den, and dining room decor at our place in France. Stamps-With-Foot just sort of let me go and only said no to the anvil for a sofa table idea. She hasn’t just sat on the chaise lounge and popping bon-bons in her mouth – all the curtains in the whole house are here doing and the flowers that seem to be magically refreshed every few days is all her as well. Everyone that we have had over loves it and one guest said: “It is so lovely that your company provides you with a professionally decorated home…” I was a little taken aback; embarrassed and proud at the same time.

The wooden extension ladder bookshelf was my first project after we moved here and I have sort of built around that, adding a few pieces: a workbench turned into a buffet/TV table, the lathe book shelf, an assortment of Moroccan and Turkish rugs, an antique or two, a few unique bits & bobbles, some paintings, a chest or two, a small bench, etc…

The rest of the place isn’t too shabby either with a dedicated sewing room for my wife, a 1000+ lending library that we house and run, a great shop space, my office that is plywood-modern, a guest room out of the 1930’s with all sorts of girly pretty things (also my wife’s touch). Our bedroom is all dark wood, yellow curtains with sage green accents, and my son’s room/other guest room is bright and happy. The quiet and secluded backyard has an outdoor dining area and grill, fluffy green grass, lots of flowers, and a shady spot for my hammock – the puppies are in heaven out there!

My ego got the best of me and I snapped off a couple of shots and sent them into Apartment Therapy, knowing that the site admin would go nuts for our place… nope, no response. Fine, I get it. I don’t NEED their validation, but I wouldn’t have kicked it out of bed either… Instead, I will post my non-professional, non-posed (except the one of us and the puppies), snapshots of our house near Toulouse here as a tincture for my ego. In the end, my wife loves it, which matters the most and one needs a happy wife if one wants a happy life.

Stuff My Wife Says:

May 4, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

My wife, Stamps-With-Foot, has a normally dry sense of humor and sometimes she is unintentionally hilarious. Other times I am shocked at some of the stuff that her brain comes up with that her sweet innocent little mouth then utters. I have been recording a few of them lately and the choicest pearls are below.

We bought a chocolate tart from a local patisserie on our way into town one afternoon. It was dairy free, gluten free, and egg free. After tasting it, my sweet tiny wife said, “What the fuck is this thing made of, unicorn tears?!”
She mixed the old and new high-priced boogie dog food together – three different flavors. The dogs refuse to touch it, so my wife has spent a fine portion of her evening sitting on the kitchen floor in her PJs sorting the kibble cussing and snarling about the “fucking spoiled-ass monsters” …and yet she went on doing it…
While at the Musee du Picasso, we walk by a surrealist blue woman reclining. My wife stopped and said, “I don’t really like it, but something draws you to the center of the painting.” I said half-joking, “Probably the huge anus in the middle.” and she shook her head knowingly and said nonchalantly, “Yes, that is probably it…”
At dinner the other night, my wife looked down at a not cheap glass of red wine and said softly, “Why can’t I quit you?!” she then took a sip. I think she was mentally calculating how much each taste cost.
My bride is a visual person: she has to see something real time to make a decision. This means that I often have to move a piece of furniture 5ish times before she decides to put it back in the original place. While doing this dance recently over a new piece of furniture, I sketched up the room and all the associated furnishings in MSVisio and she tried every possible combination. There was a plan. She had made a decision. When the day came to start moving that plan melted away like it never existed. Before we even started I mentioned my thoughts on correct placement, but she needed to “See” it. After moving it around and around in real-life a few times, she decided to put it the piece in the EXACT spot that I had pointed out initially. I uttered an under-toned ‘told you so…’ and she got all wide-eyed, stamped her foot, raised her voice and said, “You know I am a bad listener!”
Anytime that my sweet wife cannot remember the name of a town or a village, she calls it Hogsmeade. It doesn’t matter what country we are in or what historical significance that the place may have, if she can’t remember then it is her shorthand name, but I thought it was just kind of our own private nerdy joke. Nope. We had lunch in a small hamlet at the bottom of a glorious castle in Bavaria and in the accounting software we use she labeled it as “Lunch in Hogsmeade.” I almost want to be audited just so that I can show them that particular entry…
We were in discussion to add a dining room addition in our place in Seattle. Stamp-With-Foot has wanted a chandelier for years and said her only request was that we install one over the table. I jokingly said that “I didn’t get the memo for that” and it “…wouldn’t be possible unless the change notice request was submitted in writing.” She walked over to the whiteboard in my office and wrote in cute bubbly script: MEMO: Motherfukin’ Chandelier and then said, “Now you have it in writing.”

Puppies

April 5, 2015 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I have gotten a few comments and questions about our puppies, so here is the lowdown:

Brodie is our 8 year old male that is 1/2 French Bulldog and 1/2 Boston Terrier. He is a rescue that was once deemed by a shelter as “unadoptable.” NW Bulldog Haven stepped in and made sure that he got medical help for an eye issue and he found his forever home with us 6.5 years ago. When we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings and he is so much better than he was when he first came home. He is an awesome dog. He is smart and obedient and loves Stamps-With-Foot like the Pope love Jesus. He likes me fine and we are super-buddies when my wife is out of town for a day or two, but prefers her company and ignores me the very second her car pulls up. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur. We brought him to France with us and he loves it here – I think it is the duck breast, nibbles of cheese, and foie gras that he gets under the table.

After all the work socializing Brodie we decided that he was finally ready for a full time buddy. Right at exactly that same moment we found Truffle.

Truffle is a full-blooded and pedigreed French Bulldog with a brindle coat and a cute under-bite. While surfing the local chat group for a specific piece of furniture, I saw an add posted in French about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family (we decided later that was crap and someone got a “fashionable” dog and had no idea how to train or care for a Frenchie…). She and Brodie immediately got along, though she is a bit of the annoying little sister. She was a year old in July and is still very much a puppy. There have been a few issues: potty training, diet, her delicate digestive system, some minor health issues, etc…, but we have 99% of it worked out. We did, however, make the decision to take her out of the gene-pool and we had her spayed. Frenchies as a breed have a LOT of issues and if we breed her, then we would be perpetuating the problems.

She is SO sweet and lovable, but she is not a puppy-rocket scientist. She was gifted with beauty and personality instead. Truffle wants nothing in this world but to sit beside one of us all day or it is even better if she can touch both of us at the same time: Her self-assigned spot in the bed is between the two of us at shoulder level. She “helps” my wife put on makeup, is there to “assist” in making the bed or folding cloths. She NEEDS to come into the shop with me, but isn’t allowed because she eats wood shavings. Truffle looks so sad standing at the door looking at me in the shop and the second my head is turned, will sneak in.

Below is a photo dump of both puppies just being themselves.

Merry Christmas 2014!

December 25, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a New Year filled with Laughter, family, health, and prosperity!

~Matt and Laurel Talley

Four days in the US: lots of work, frenzied shopping, and severe jet lag

November 12, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…

Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.
 Had 06:30 flight to the U.S.  
Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.
 Took retainer away and scolded puppy.  Went to get tooth brush.  
Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.
 Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch.  
I LOST MY MIND!!!
 Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury.  
Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.
 After completing her business, dog went into the kennel.  
She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.
 It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.
 Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.

Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.

My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:

Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More

I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.

Our new puppy is part cat…

September 10, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Truffle has some cat DNA in there somewhere:

1. If you want to sleep and she doesn’t want you to there is a slobber attack. Don’t try to hide your head under the pillow – it won’t help you.
2. She will chase the laser pointer up the concrete column in the living room and go back to look for it an hour later.
3. Why would she eat her food, sleep in her bed, play with her toys? Brodie’s are so much better.
4. Apparently, her assigned spot in the bed is between my wife and me at shoulder level.
5. Oh, you want to write an email or get some work done? Nope, not on her watch. She will sit in your lap, lick the keyboard and grunt until you pet her full-time.
6. Yoga Mat? Wrong. Puppy play space. Move over.
7. You want to watch “your show”? Not during designated playtime you don’t. When is designated play time? What time does your show start?
8. Why would my wife want to put make-up on by herself when Truffle can help?
9. A relaxing bath for the Mrs…. Sure if she doesn’t mind Truffle standing at the side of the tub whimpering or lying beside it passing gas.
10. “What do you mean there is a no dogs on the table rule?!” We have learned that chairs and benches have to be pushed in so that we do have to share our meals.
11. She CAN get in the bed by herself, but why would she do that? Standing beside the bed with her nose and front paws on the mattress and whining until the bald pink monkeys put her up there is a winning strategy, so why should she expand the energy?

Puppy Narcissism

August 6, 2014 / Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Our dog is awesome. Everyone that we know likes him and he is even allowed in peoples’ homes that don’t even allow other dogs in their yard! His happiness means a lot to us and we take really good care of him: Warmed gourmet food, toys, lovin’, walks, cheese under the table, loads of attention, snugglein’, fur rugs to nap on, etc… I have told my wife repeatedly, that if I am reincarnated, my first choice would be to come back as her puppy (minus the whole neutering thing…)

Anyway, when we fist adopted Brodie, he had leash aggression issues and DID NOT play well with others. There were beat downs, bloody lips, flying fur, and all out brawls with much larger dogs. It has meant that he has had only us to hang out with and sometimes he gets a little board of the pink monkeys that share his space. I am sure that he now views me as his combination butler/chauffeur…

We have spent years socializing him so that he could have puppy-friends or siblings. A recent week+ visit to the puppy spa (really) while we were in Paris convinced us that he was finally ready for a full time buddy – he did great, made multiple friends of different breeds and there was not one incident of bullying or aggression. Right then, the stars aligned and we heard about a female French bulldog puppy that was being re-homed due to an allergy in her family.

When we went to meet her, it was like when my wife met Brodie for the first time: the puppy latched onto Stamps-With-foot, sat down in her lap, applied wet kisses, decided we were good people, and staked her claim. We introduced her to Brodie and they immediately got along. The deal was sealed.

Meet Truffle. She is the newest member of the family.