Tag: TSA

Four days in the US: lots of work, frenzied shopping, and severe jet lag

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I just spent 3.5 days in the US. I had to go over for a bunch of meetings that I just couldn’t do over the phone and this is how trip started…

Woke up at 04:00 and hopped in the shower.

Had 06:30 flight to the U.S. 

Caught female French Bulldog chewing wife’s $400+ retainer in our new bed.

Took retainer away and scolded puppy. 
Went to get tooth brush. 

Walked back by bed while brushing teeth and headed to get dressed.

Caught a sideways glimpse of the same dog peeing between our pillows and switching to the “I gotta shit” hunch. 

I LOST MY MIND!!!

Grabbed dog, wife put robe on me (was still naked at that point) as I marched dog to the door in righteous fury. 

Wife stripped bed – no pee on pillows or new mattress.

After completing her business, dog went into the kennel. 

She did it because she was pissed at me for taking her “new yummy toy” and for scolding her so early.

It is official, she is getting fixed next week.
No way we are passing those genes on to continue her line of un-smart and passive aggressive Frenchies.

Our other Frenchie (the smart and well behaved one) watched the whole affair with a dual look of “Wasn’t me!” and “Damn girl, you got in TROUBLE…”
As dessert, I got my balls manhandled by security at the Toulouse airport in a cup and smush maneuver that they must teach to the French equivalent of the TSA as this is not the first occurrence.

Work was work and there were lots of meetings and calls, but I had a couple of hours at night to run some errands. Anytime we go home, there is a list of stuff to get that we normally can’t find in France or if we can, it is crazy expensive: 12oz jar of coconut oil at Trader Joes is $4. Here it is the equivalent of $15.50. Really. You don’t want to know what vitamins cost and forget finding “your brand” of tooth paste.

My sweet wife, Stamps-With-Foot, gave me a list. A very exacting list and below are the places I went to check everything off:

Target
Bed, Bath & Beyond
Starbucks
Ross
3 different Walgreens
Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe
Woodcraft (that was for me and I got in trouble)
GNC
West Marine
FedEx
CVS Pharmacy
USPS
Guitar Center (again me, but I only dropped $6)
Academy Sporting goods
Dick’s Sporting Goods
Barnes & Noble
Petco
Pets and More

I had to get the puppies new coats for winter ( on the list) and I had an arm load of pink frilly sweaters when a woman from my cooperate office walked by me in Petco and struck up a conversation. I felt especially manly standing the in the dog outfit section, deciding on which pink heart-covered puffy knitted number our female Frenchie would look best in. The lady may have snickered a little. Her husband was standing a few feet behind her – 6’2″, ~240 pounds with a large beard – he was holding a chihuahua mix with a purple harness and gave me a look of shared shame and defeat.

A couple of odd things from my latest trip to London.

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

During my third random search on my way home from London to Seattle (they “randomly” happen every other time I fly…), the agent/officer/person commented of how organized my bag was: cords and pens in individual tool rolls, glasses in their respective cases, clothes folded, shoes bagged… I was head-swelling proud right up until the moment she turned my bag over and shook all the contents out. She gave me a naughty smile with an eye twinkle as my stuff spilled and tumbled onto the stainless countertop – a look like the one the Devil gives right before drop-kicking someone into the Lake of Fire.

Also on this trip:

Novotel dining area

7:15am

Staff: “Sir would you like coffee or tea?”
Me: “Coffee please. Thank you”

I pour the contents of the warming kettle I was brought into a cup and add sugar & cream and stir. I then take what should be the first sip of a substance that makes me not want to murder my fellow man…

I have to stop myself from spitting whatever it was all over my table.

I hail the waitress that brought me this vile concoction.

Me: “May I please have some tea?”

Staff: “Oh, I am sorry sir, is there something wrong with the coffee?”
Me: “Nope, I am sure the coffee is fine – wherever it may be. THAT is not coffee. I’ll take the tea.”

Tea arrives and I have 3 cups.

“Coffee” is left on my table to mock me and remind me that someone at the Novotel has either a sense of humor or is the spawn of a medium ranked demon.

The Alaska Airlines iPhone App is the Shiz-nit!

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I have been out of touch and away from my blog for a month or so: lots of travel including a 48hr trip to Ireland, a climbing vacation with the boys, a couple short trips to SoCal, and 5 days in the English countryside on a tour of round-a-bouts and concrete cows…

In the process of racking up a large hump of air-miles I have flown on 11 different airlines and I can say without a doubt that Alaska Airlines has been the carrier that has provided the fasted check-in, slickest and most useful App, and all my flights were somewhat on-time. The Alaska App was the clincher. I checked in on the way to the airport, chose my seat, fast-tracked through security, and the QR bar code on my iPhone was scanned at the gate for my boarding pass. From Taxi to assigned seat in the aircraft it took me a total of 23 minutes! Really, I timed it. Now, I still had to remove my shoes (fvck you very much asshat shoe-bombing terrorists!!) and take my laptop out of my bag, but that is just par for the course. If every flight check-in and trip to the gate was this great, then I wouldn’t complain at all about air travel.