Cast Iron Camping Cookware Box

In my on-going project to build the finest glamping/campaign furniture kit in the Pacific Northwest, I have added a custom box for holding all of our cast iron and campfire cooking gear.  It all started out with a wooden box I picked up at a garage sale that was full of a cast iron camp set that had been used once.  We have added a square fry pan, pot lifters, trivets, stand-off, roasting sticks, a grill, bacon press, a 12″ lid, and corn-shaped bread pan.  I had thought about including all of it in my camp kitchen, but it would have made the unit so heavy that I would have needed a winch to get it off and on to my truck bed.

The box that it came with was just a roughly tacked together crate, but it had potential.  I spent a couple of hours adding trim, remaking the lid, adding reinforcement, and painting it a deep red.  To Finish it off I added brass pipe handles and brass closures.  It is still not light, but one person can carry and move it.  The “new” box holds all the aforementioned gear, looks snazzy, and doubles as a seat for around the campfire.

Dear Santa -2012

Dear Santa,

Below is my Christmas list for this year. I have been pretty good – no felonies. Please take a look and feel free to buy directly from the list or use it as a guide for the elves in the workshop – nudge, nudge, wink, wink…

Smart wool socks
For the all crazies at Westboro Baptist Church to smitted repeatedly with a bat.
A pair of red Chuck Taylor low tops – size 9.5.
Gift to Heifer International: Bees, goats, water buffalo…
Books: Theadore Roosevelt: a Strenous Life, American Sniper, Twilight at Monticello, Founding Foodies
Movie ticket/theatre gift cards
Zombie Targets
A new shaving mug
Illy coffee, Jamacan Blue Mountain, or REAL kona coffee
Wood burning kit from Woodcraft or Rockler
Don Julio tequila
Cabellas gift card
Glenlivet 12/15 or Glenfiddich 18 Scotch
For the both congressional houses to play nice and get some shit done.
Sam Adams “perfect” beer glass – set of 4
Any item from my Amazon Wish List

Now that you have been provided the above list for review don’t even consider bringing any weak-ass “Top Fiction” crap from the local B&N, fake Moleskines, cheap beer, ground Starbucks coffee, calculator watches, or any item that even remotely reminds me of Twilight. And don’t be gettin’ uppity when you slide down the chimney this year: We both know that the cookies and milk my wife leaves out are for me. If you touch my cookies there will be an elf beat down. Seriously. I will leave the liquor cabinet open again this year. As per our previous agreement, help yourself to the Bourbon. As long as you stick to the list, Mrs. Kringle will never know about you, Jim, Jack, & Johnny…

Merry Christmas, Santa!

The Day that Twinkies died…

A little piece of my childhood is dying: Hostess has filed for bankruptcy, fired all the bakers and drivers, and is liquidating all its assets.  Sad news.  That means that Twinkies will be no more .  I don’t eat them anymore because of my advanced age, but I remember them with great fondness.  In addition to Twinkies, Hostess made Wonder Bread, Ding-Dongs and Ho Ho’s for the past 82 years.  My Marvel Super Heroes/The Fall Guy lunchboxes in elementary had either a foil wrapped Ding-Dong or individual Twinkie inside a couple times a week.  I always ate them first or used them like cash, trading for other teeth-destroying snacks across the lunch table.

I have read that there will be a run on the stores and people are snapping Hostess products up and hording them like doomsday preppers.  I wonder what the “last Twinkie” will be listed for someday on Ebay?

One of my first experiences abroad was a trip to Scotland were I ate at a pub in Glasgow the first night that had deep fried Twinkies and deep fried Snickers Bars on the menu for desert.  I ordered both and had a beer/sugar hangover the next day that was epic.  Still wouldn’t trade the memory of that night for any amount of coin.

Our Summer Garden

It has been a sweet summer in our small garden.  Stamps-With-Foot has really stepped up and has been planting, weeding, watering, picking fruit, staking dahlias and has even once turned the compost and added chicken manure.  I have been both shocked and impressed.  She even talked me into having some corn planted in the raised boxes this year.  She bought the starts, planted them, made sure they were well hydrated and is now about to harvest 15+ ears of yellow sweet corn.  Her squash has been prolific and we will have more soybeans this fall than we will know what to do with.  Happily surprised at my bride’s greening thumb…

So far this season, we have harvested 25 heads of garlic, 10 sweet yellow onions, 30+ yellow and green squash, a few Roma tomatoes (still very early in the season), 4+pints of raspberries (late summer crop just starting), 3 pints of wonderfully sweet blackberries, figs, apricots, 1 apple (more to come), a gallon+ of cherries, spinach, 5 beets, more Swiss and rainbow chard than I care to remember, 2 pints of small strawberries, a pint-ish of blueberries, and we have supplied three households with rosemary, sage, pineapple sage, thyme, basil, Thai basil, Moroccan mint, and spearmint.  We have been trading produce with some other members of our family for eggs and with two sets of neighbors for veggies and flowers.  Stamps-With-Foot mentioned the other day that she felt like Marie Antoinette with her little Austrian Hobby farm in the shadow of Versailles.

The amazing amount of flowers (except for the lavender and roses) have all been cared for by my sweet wife and a neighbor from across the street.  Both front and back yards have been perfumed since early spring.

A fruitful season

I am sitting in our breakfast nook, drinking coffee and getting mentally prepped for my J-O-B. As I sip my needed and delicious cup o’ joe, I can see the winter sunrise reflecting off the tips of the frost covered grass in the front yard. It has me ruminating on the intensity, goals, minor failures, and harvest from this years garden and yard work.

I spent our very cold spring getting our raised boxes ready for a bumper crop: perfect soil mix, irrigation lines, compost, etc… The tomatoes were planted a little early and they got an early blight that stunted them for a time, but they came back in force and we had more tomatoes than we new what to do with this year. I didn’t get the onions in the ground soon enough or plant garlic at all, so e ultimately gathered 2 medium white onions and I left the rest of the shoots in the ground this fall, planted winter garlic and covered them with straw so the we will have a summer crop next year.

We feel our biggest success was with our greens. Planted spinach, butter lettuce, and chard that fed us all summer. There was an unfortunate incident with the broccoli (bugs, microwave, crunchy dinner…), but on the whole our bed of greens was were most of the bang for our buck came from.

Fall hurt a little. I was away a good bit traveling for work and the garden was neglected. My very first apple was stolen by a squirrel, the slugs went NUTS on the last of the tomato crop. Fvcking slugs… There will be a battle next year and I am planning on a plan of full slug eradication. There was some definite success though: we gathered almost 2 gallons of raspberries, made mint mojitos and mint juleps from the 6 types of mint I have growing in containers. There were probably 3 bushels of tomatoes that came out of one 3×7 raised bed – really. We had our first lemon, first fig, cherries, huckleberries, strawberries (also hurt by the squirrels though), a full cup of blue berries, beets, greens, and lot of knowledge gained through screwing up.

Thoughts for this winter and next year:

Death to all slugs!!
Need more bees early in the season for fruit trees – hang some mason bees in a warm area.
Grow starts in basement and do not plant too early.
Mulch raspberries and roses.
Cut all blackberries out.
Need more drip irrigation hose.
Raise kitchen herb planters up another foot off the ground.
Raise strawberry pots up as well.
Prune tomato flowers so that crop is smaller and fruit larger.
Use apple bags to keep apple pests at bay.
Spray fruit trees early!
Spray roses with anti-rust/fungal early and monthly.
Spend more time in garden.

Girl Scout Cookie tally, so far…

CRAP!!  I have a body fat percentage hovering just under the Santa-level after a Thanksgiving and Christmas season filled with glutoney and sloth (I am looking at knocking the 5 other ones off as well…).  I am working semi-hard at the gym to rid myself of my marine-mammal worthy blubber, but that got shot in the foot yesterday with the arrival of my first six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies.  Jenny Craig here I come…  So far, I have purchased six boxes from a guy,s kid at work, my wife picked up four boxes from one of her employees, and we have four more on the way from a 12-year old family member.  Fourteen boxes of yummy, baked, CRACK!

Fourteen boxes is a bunch all by itself, but when you add the frozen cookie dough that I just bought from another coworker’s kid, the three chocolate bars I was wrestled into purchasing from the 12-year old Girl Scout’s sister, and the 5-10 boxes that I will get pressured into buying outside of my local grocery store, my future begins to become clear: I am going to turn into a fvckin’ Weeble Wooble…

Stepping up on my soapbox now: The little girls that stand with their mom outside Safeway are velociraptors!  Evidenced by the fact that they hunt their quarry in packs, are relentless, and unflinching:  They huddle as a would-be victim steps out of a car, then all break rank before their unwitting mark nears.   One, the cutest and most doe-eyed of the pack, will step right in front of you with a box in her small, outstretched hands and ask you to “Please” buy some of their crack.  While one fumbles with the “No Thank you, I am trying to be good” answer, two of her “sisters” move in from opposing oblique angles and simultaneously cut off a possible escape and present you with another box of baked love-handles to be.  You will end up walking around the store with a minimum of two boxes in your cart, getting the sad also-violated nod from the other addicts who have fallen for their Late Cretaceous Period-inspired snack-trap.

Stepping off my soapbox and returning to my box of Samoas…

Unduly expensive and complicated raised garden boxes

I have spent something like 40 total hours of labor over the entire summer and spent ~$250 to build the most over complicated raised garden bed boxes within a four mile radius.  I have obsessed over the design & materials, changed the layout and location no more than 4 times and used child labor (my 9-year old son) during construction.  We now have Garden Boxes that can support the weight of our entire house and my wife mentioned that I might need an intervention.

It all started when we decided to grow some veggies and I didn’t want to use treated lumber from Home Depot.  I considered landscape bricks, but the total project cost would be over $700 for three 8X3X2’ beds.  I wanted to use 3-inch thick cypress beams, as that particular wood is rot proof for 50+ years, but that type of wood is outrageously expensive here in the Pacific Northwest ~$1000 for the needed lengths.   I considered redwood, but it was also too pricy to be left out in the yard, half covered with dirt.  The predicament was solved for me when I happened upon a bunch of 4”X10”X8’ fir beams that were end cuts from a beam roof construction project in the neighborhood.  As they were “scrap” I picked them up for a song.

In addition to the boxes, there will be an espalier apple tree and two columnar apples on that side of the yard.  I wanted the garden boxes to mesh with that plan and still be functional, pretty, and to fit in with the style of our house & yard. To help with that goal, I decided to lap joint the corners of the boxes and use hardwood dowels to both keep the joints together and as homage to the period craftsmanship of our home.  I know I have OCD.  Since I was already using dowels, I wanted to marry the planks together (see drawing) so that the whole structure would be stronger and resist and bowing in the middle as the dirt pressed on the sides of the beds.  I felt it might also be nice to add replaceable cedar top rails to shed water and to take the brunt of any abuse.  I may have over-thought the concept and might have been better off just using concrete cinder blocks…

The finished product with espalier apple trees cartooned in.


Here are the exact steps to take in building raised garden boxes just like ours:
Plan obsessively
Re-design twice
Buy lumber – get great deal
Bring home and cover with tarp
Let sit for a month
Measure and layout each joint with son’s help
Let son drop board on your shin
Try REALLY hard not to say curse words
By son ice cream.
Limp for a couple of days
Carefully cut all end notches with son
Tell him no when he wants to run the circle saw
Tel him no when he asks again every 10 minutes
Lit it all sit for 2 more weeks
Find really expensive combination square your son left in the grass
Smile because you love him anyway
Drill all dowel holes in the middle of the individual sections with spade bit
Let sit for a week in rain because you forgot to tarp it
Assembly all sections dry for 1st box
Realize that the pieces are now warped and twisted more than a bit
Say a LOT of curse words
Hand-fit each joint with a mallet and chisel
Cuss some more
Purchase ¾” X 2’ auger bit
Assemble 1st box with glue and dowels
Get HUGE splinter in palm
Say hurtful, mean things to the lumber & loudly question the legitimacy of its parentage
Cry a little while digging the jagged hunk of wood out with utility knife
Use Super Glue creatively as first aid supply
Spend a full hour getting 1st box square using one hand
Call it a night
Make sure the thing didn’t move while you were sleeping
Drill corners for dowels
Almost burn up drill
Look at sky and count to ten
Run out of waterproof wood glue
Say dirty words all the way to Home Depot
Buy bigger drill, glue, and more dowels
Apply glue and hammer in dowels with wooden mallet
Look over to see puppy chewing on your hat
Say the F-word
Retrieve soggy hat
Clamp box up with 8 huge pipe clamps
Let joints dry/sit for a week
Construct next two boxes with minimal dirty words
Let sit a further week
Ask 15 year old daughter if she wants to help
She will look at you like you are insane for the mere suggestion
Try not to break her phone when she returns to texting
Look up and count to twenty – repeat
Spread out boxes in yard and turn over
Apply two coats of white primer to bottoms of boxes
Get paint on favorite pair of shorts
Let wife help paint over primer with green outdoor paint
Look up and notice that wife has painted halfway down the box…
Take paint brush from wife
Say sweet things to her and laugh about the extra paint coverage
Let boxes sit for two days
Finish painting bottoms green (keep ground moisture out and blends with grass)
Let sit a week
Position in yard where they should finally go
Ask visiting friend for his opinion
Take his advice (as it is better than your plan) and reposition
Let wife see
Move 3 more times to make wife happy
Move back to position friend suggested
Let sit for a week
Get married to wife a second time and almost loose mind to stress
Have house full of guests for a week
Try not to kill Ross when he makes fun of your yard
Drink lots of beer
Buy gravel and hardware cloth for box foundation
Cut sod from under box locations and move to bare patch in front yard
Wife will work hard in front planting lavender and arranging sod
Lay hardware cloth and pour gravel footings
Spend Saturday with wife finally placing boxes
Drink beer and wine until you hurt the next day in celebration of your hard work
Let sit another week
Cut top rail on table saw
Decide to really complicate things by adding hardwood splines to top rail joint
Devise special spline jig for table saw
Cut last rail too short
DO NOT throw anything, close eyes and count to ten
Revert to cussing
Trip to Home Depot for extra cedar
Re-rip and re-miter last rail
Glue joints of rail and try not to glue rail to box
Wait 3 days and cut away spline waste
Find “cute” little ceramic tiles from the 1920’s that wife will love for boxes
Spend 2 nights in shop making custom cedar frames for the tiles
Add corner splines to match boxes just because
Measure twice to find box center
Attach tiles to front of the boxes with proper outdoor screws
Coat top rails with food-safe clear coat
Wait 2 days
Apply another coat and repeat
Show wife your handy-work and wait for her to swoon
Point out the joint details and all the thought that went into the build
Wait for batting of eyelashes and the swoon…
Mention the period tiles and their perfect symmetry
Keep waiting…
Waiting……………

A drawing of the project shoeing some of the detail

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The Sweetener Formerly Known as HFCS

Forgive me, but I am going to rant a little here…  Yesterday, the  New York Times reported (also picked up by CNN) that the Corn Refiners Association petitioned the United States FDA to “officially” re-label high-fructose corn syrup as “corn sugar.”  Thinking that the name change will improve the image of the “much maligned sweetener.”  Yeah, and Stalin was a cute teddy bear with a heart of gold…  Oh! Corn Sugar, well that is a different story, pour some more of that on my snowcone!  Mmmm, coffee with Corn Sugar is just like coffee with REAL sugar…  Fvck that.

What I really like is the new TV commercial ad campaign (Laurel told me about it this morning and I spent lunch watching the ads and parodies on YouTube) promoting HFCS as a “natural ingredient” made from corn.  HFCS is NOT a natural substance.  It does not occur in nature.  That is like saying Einsteinium or Americium are natural substances.  Fvcking lobbyists.  Apparently, according to the ads, it is fine to consume in moderation.  Hell, I can ingest Arsenic in moderation as long as I know what that quantity is.  What is the correct daily consumption amount for corn syrup?  How do you calculate it?

HFCS is in everything from bread to lunch meat, coke, the honey at KFC, and something like 9 out of 10 prepackaged foods found on your grocer’s shelves.  Americans are fat.  HFCS is in everything…  Brits and Germans are getting fat and HFCS is quickly gaining ground in their packaged food.  This is not differential calculus – it is simple math:   HFCS+you=lard ass.   Changing the name will not make us any less fat.  I quote from an industry source:

“The ingredient is a favorite of food makers for practical reasons. Compared with sucrose, high-fructose corn syrup doesn’t mask flavors, has a lower freezing point and retains moisture better, which is useful in making foods like chewy granola bars. And because the corn crop in the United States is heavily subsidized, high-fructose corn syrup is also cheap. As a result, it’s now used in so many foods, from crackers to soft drinks, that it has become one of the biggest sources of calories in the American diet.”

Cheap, easy to use, & government subsidized…  There is a lot more wrong here than just a product with a bad image in need of a name change!

wine tasting

We spent last night testing the three reds and one rose (the white, a fresh little German Riesling from the Mosel River Valley, is already picked and ordered) for our wedding reception. In hindsight, the night before I was to fly out on a business trip might not have been the evening to take on such an endeavor, though I didn’t realize it until I was running for my gate at 6:00 this morning hoping to catch the one available flight after hitting the snooze button no less than six times…

The rosé is Portuguese and the white is German. We wanted a local red that would work with the chicken pasta and stuffed mushrooms that we are serving. After much swirling, sniffing, drinking, and repeat, we settled on the Wood Bridge 2007 Two Vines.  It is a Merlot and Cab Sav blend aged in oak that will go well with the food and desert for those guests that don’t like beer or white wine.  Good booze is a key element to any successful party and while people forget bad music, the drunken aunt, weird venue, and ugly bridesmaid dresses, no one EVER forgets bad food or booze at weddings! Serve lil’ smokies with a side of mac and cheese on paper plates and PBR at your nuptial do and you & your partner will forever be saddled with the shame of being poor hosts. There will be whispers behind you back, you will be used as an example of what NOT to do when friends gather and your can forget brisk attendance at any birthday or anniversary party you will ever have.

post written on and uploaded from my iPhone

A Great Wisconsin Beer – Who Whoulda Thunk It??

While at the grocery store this weekend, I found a bottle of Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company Sunset Wheat.  It had an odd label and it is brewed in Wisconsin of all places so I wasn’t expecting much – no slight meant against Wisconsin, it is just that one doesn’t say the  name and automatically thing ‘great beer.’  I have a co-worker from the Badger State and bought the beer solely so that I could have a sip, pronounce it crap, and make fun of him/his home state in a long witty e-mail diatribe.   I poured it into a chilled pint glass Sunday evening, sniffed, swirled, sniffed again, took a precautionary taste, and then said dirty words!  I hate it when I plan to be funny and am shot down in flames.  This beer was actually good – really good.  The color is perfect for a summer beer and there are hints of citrus and cherry on the tongue.  It formed a respectable head in the glass, it was crisp and subtly dry in the mouth and the aftertaste was light and refreshing.  Shock Top Wheat WISHES it was this good!

The Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company was founded and is still based in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin.  It began beer production in 1867 and their beer is colloquially known as Leinies. The Sunset Wheat was introduced in 2006 and the next year they introduced Summer Shandy (wheat beer mixed with lemonade – also called an Alster Wasser or Radler in DE) as a seasonal brew – perfect on a hot summer day when you have to either go back to work of have plans that evening.  Leinenkugel also produces Leinenkugel’s Auburn Ale, Creamy Dark, Hefeweissen, Honey Weiss, their Original Pale Lager, and a 1888 recipe seasonal Bock.  Not a fan of the lager beer, but I am raring to try the Hefe, Shandy, and Honey Weiβ.

I am both very impressed by my find and somewhat sad:  I found a great beer that I will drink all summer long, BUT I don’t get to make snide, yet work appropriate remarks to the resident Cheesehead…   I will comfort my loss with multiple doses of Sunset Wheat and reapply as necessary.

The “Bavarian Herodotus”

I sat down last night with a ½ liter glass of Schneider Brewery’s Aventinus Dopplebock – there was TV and snacks involved as well.  I can’t say enough good things about this beer.  It goes amazingly well with dinner (veg or carnivore style), it is a fine brew to enjoy after a stressful day, and is nice on a warn summer day curled up in the hammock mit mein frau und kleine welpe.

I actually found this premium brew the first time at 99Bottles in Federal way.  I have had regular weight Schneider Weiss on a number of occasions and our local pub serves it in a Schneider-branded Weissenglas, but somehow the Dopplebock escaped my attention while living in the cold Prussian north.  It is named for Johannes Aventinus (1477 –1534) who was a Bavarian historian and philologist. He wrote Annals of Bavaria, a valuable record of the early history of Germany and was/is called the “Bavarian Herodotus,”

Schneider is advertised as “Bavaria’s oldest wheat beer brewery” though what that truly means is not 100% clear – oldest family owned, oldest in one place, oldest just brewing wheat, oldest with a charter, ect…?  They do strictly follow the Reinheitsgebot – german beer purity law – and the current owner/brewer, Georg Schneider VI, is a direct father to son descendent of Georg Schneider I, who acquired the rights to boil wheat beer from King Ludwig II. in 1872.

The beer itself is a murky brown with a ruby tint.  It pours smoothly and finishes with a fine thick foam head.  The taste is amazing: velvet smooth with hints of clove, banana, bread, cinnamon, vanilla, milk chocolate & cherry aromas present. Those Bavarian yeasts make my heart beat so…  It is like a proper dunkelweizen crossed with a beer float.

One pint is great! and it would be easy to have a second with the right buddy and I might be talked into a third, but with the high alcohol content I would need help home after #3.  Normally a beer with 8.2 abv doesn’t really spin my wheels, but you truly can’t taste the booze unless you are careless and let your glass get too warm.  I give this brew my heartiest recommendation.

Leavenworth Whistling Pig Review

My Weiβ bier love affair leads me down odds paths now and again.  I look for new beers that may be worthy to consume, even better if they are somewhat local, to sample.  I picked up a Fish Brewing Leavenworth Whistling Pig Hefeweissen Alpine-style Wheat Ale at our local grocer and it looked promising:  Locally brewed, cool label (karabiner, bikers, mountains, climber, etc…) there was some sediment in the bottom, and the liquid in the bottle was the right amount of cloudy.

At dinner last night, my lovely personal beer-wench brought me a proper Weiβen glass and I poured a 12oz. sample.  At first I thought “Yeah…” as it had a really nice cloudy golden unfiltered appearance, and looked as if it was going to form a nice thick foamy head.  Nope, the head was thin and there were no real aromas that wafted from the glass.  The beer was pretty weak in taste as well: slightly doughy, almost NO fruit phenols and somewhat malty, like the brewer had decided to add a little IPA to the barrel. I was disappointed. It is an OK American Wheat, but definitely not “Alpine-style” or Bavarian.  I was hopeful seeing the unfiltered appearance, but was left wanting by the actual product.  Overall, not great, not terrible, definitely drinkable compared to a Bud Light, but not something that we will be stocking in the beer fridge downstairs.  I am going to try out their Dunkleweiβ this weekend and hope to have a better experience.

C&P Coffee is where they will find me

C&P on California Ave. is now my coffee shop. I have never had one before, just this or that shop that I would stop into IF I happened by.  Well, the courting is over and while some may rave about Tea for Two and Hotwire, I now have a one true coffee home.  When a certain Ex decides to put that hit out on me, I have a feeling that an overly muscular and black-suited gent with a thick accent will find me hunched over a book, in the faded high-backed chair, coffee in hand and ¾ eaten cookie on the table.

Not only does C&P serve great coffee, they are also purveyors of fine wine and good beer.  There is live music 3+ nights a week, Mexican Coke bottles sit snugly in their fridge, the Wi-Fi is free, their croissants are both flaky and buttery, and our badass dog is always welcome.  In the summer, one can sit outside on the large patio area that is raised above the sidewalk and has views of the Olympic Range and Puget Sound.  Who can say ‘NO’ to setting outside on a calm sunny PacNW day, enjoying a great cup of coffee and a chocolate chip cookie?  There is a sign on the door saying that C&P is a place reserved for “Service Animals Only” and apparently the fact that our puppy makes my wife so happy and is so damn cute, means he provides a service, so….

We stopped in today after a walk at the beach was aborted by a downpour and Peter (who is the “P” and his wife Cam is the “C” in the business name) poured us a great cup of Joe, BS’ed a bit, and hooked us up with a wonderful bread. He had an extra loaf because “…the local bakery guy has a thing for my wife…”

Mexican Coke is just better.

My grandfather once said that only Philistines drink from an aluminum can.  He said this while trying to find the best location to mount a bottle opener on the dash of his new truck.  He REALLY liked RC Cola and Grape Nehi.  In support of his thesis, I have realized that great beer doesn’t come in cans and there is no finer soft drink than Coke sipped from a frosty cold bottle. Though not all coke, even when it comes in a glass bottle, is made equal. Most of what is found here in the US is made with high fructose corn syrup, but every now and they at a out of the way mom & pop shop one can find Coke in a bottle imported from Mexico that is made with pure cane sugar. There IS a difference! If you don’t believe me have your girlfriend/boyfriend/mom/life-partner/buddy or whoever set up a little blind taste test: you will be able to tell immediately which is sweetened with corn and which is sweetened with good old fashioned tooth-rotting sugar.

I am not the only one who has caught on to this: There are numerous websites devoted to finding the import and mapping locations where it can be had. There is a hugely popular Facebook page, and there have been articles run by the AP and the NY Times. Even Coca Cola in Atlanta is aware to the growing consumer base. Though according to a couple of reports, Coke in Atlanta gives it’s bottling partners a lot of leeway with the sweetener and they maintain that most people can’t tell the difference anyway. Wrong…

KFC and the shite they now serve

So every now and then my soul needs a little fried chicken – its a Southern thing.  Of all the fast food chicken shacks around, I prefer Popeye’s, but KFC will do in a pinch.  We picked up an order of strips and biscuits (there isn’t much better than a warm biscuit, packed with real butter and slathered with honey) at a joint somewhat near the house and I wasn’t able to enjoy the crispy fried goodness due to my outrage over the packet of honey provided for the biscuits.  Those bastards now sell “Honey Sauce” instead of real honey.  “Honey sauce” only has 11% real honey and is mostly High Fructose Corn Syrup.  Really, how much could a packet of honey cost KFC?!  If the price of honey is too great for them to bear, then please sell the packets to customers instead of providing fake honey – I would surely pay for the real stuff, honey being an actual food and all.

I dropped them a note on their customer site and will include the link below so that you too can tell them that Corn is not the same as honey.

honey sauseimg_2778-300x225

HERE is the KFC Customer Service Comment address.  Feel free to send your two-cents.

homebrew and hotdogs

Well, we had our opening of summer BBQ with LOTS of home brew. We had all sorts of sausage, my buddy Dave’s wife is a sushi chef and she made more raw fish than 30 normal people could eat – luckily we had Daniel and Laurel who put a major dent in the sashimi.

The beer was mostly good. Daniel was the Brew-Master and the IPA beer turned out to be just as planned – I named it Hopocalypse. There was a special Double-IPA that Daniel named S&M IPA that was super-stiff. The PacNW boys seemed to like it though. My wheat beer (Between the Sheets Wheat) didn’t turn out as good, however. The taste was excellent, but we didn’t put enough sugar in during the bottling process and it was somewhat flat. A proper Weissbier should have a nice thick foamy head, my wheat had a John Waters pencil moustache sort of head. It hurt my soul a little, but there was plenty of other beer and everyone had a good time and waddled home at the end of the evening.

Ich Liebe Weißbier

As I live in the beer capital of the world and great beer swirls all around me, I feel that there is no reason to drink sub-par beer. As my particular favorite fermented beverage is wheat beer, I thought about having a blind taste test that included a group of multi-national friends to see which of the most popular and available brands I should buttress with my patronage and financial support. The Beer Fairy (we are big buds – exchange Christmas cards and all that) stopped by our flat this past weekend and left eighteen (18) different quality brands of Hefeweissen (or just plain “weisse Bier” as we were repeatedly corrected by a German participating in the event). My darling bride graciously volunteered to be the beer wench/test focal for the evening along with another friend – both sporting dirndls, making for an authentic German beer drinking atmosphere (they are both getting some good stuff for this added and appreciated surprise detail). The tasting was loosely organized along the lines of a blind taste test – very loosely.

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All 18 Hefeweissens we tested and a few other kinds of beer consumed after the testing. This shot was taken on the way to the recycling center the next day. I know my neighbors looked out their windows as I lined up the bottles for the picture and thought, ‘Crazy American, what is he doing now…

It wasn’t a test that would hold up to scientific peer review: Pallets were not cleansed before and after tasting, the beer was swallowed after the tasting (spitting good beer in my house unless you are having a heart attack will get one unceremoniously booted out the door!), the participants were seated together and were allowed to talk about the beer and/or each other’s mother if they so desired, food was served with the beer, there was not a control group given the same beer each time, no random sampling of participants from the overall beer drinking population was used. Multiple tests were not conducted under exacting standards, etc… This was a gathering of like-minded friends who just like beer. So, if you are reading this and you work for one of the companies that we decided sucked – sorry, but it is going to be real hard to sue me for posting an OPINION on my VERY obscure, almost NEVER read (…save for a couple of friends and a crazy English woman…) website/blog.

Just before 7:00pm on Friday, guests started showing up and we sat down for an evening of semi-scientific research. A few were late and a couple had to leave early, so the testing had to accommodate this flow of testers. All counted, there were three Americans, one Scot, one Swede, an Englishman, and three Germans who participated as testers and a good number of significant others and onlookers drinking wine and the hard stuff for the duration. Of those who participated in the actual testing: two were women, seven were men, and we ranged from twenty-two to thirty-six years old. Our dirndl-clad test administrators kept us well stocked, washed glasses between rounds, and delivered mini-pizzas and other snacks fresh from the oven. We had music playing in the background and a slide show of 350+ beer and weisse Bier related images scrolling on the big screen throughout the evening.

Going into this test I just knew that my personal favorite, Franziskaner Hefeweissen would come out on top and that my second favorite, Franziskaner Weissen Dunkel, would place well (I am brand loyal). Though, I was open to try other options to see how they faired against mein Lieblingsbier. I picked regular Franziskaner out the minute it touched my tongue and it was the only beer I gave the top score to, but I was somewhat surprised by the overall result. Here is a link to the results of the overall test and scorecard templates if you are interested, but the top five beers we tested, listed in ascending order, were:

#5: Franziskaner Hefeweissen (I was appalled!)
#4: Edinger Weisse
#3: Schneider Weisse
#2: Franziskaner Weissen Dunkel
#1: Paulaner Hefeweissen Dunkel

As you can see, the Dunkel Hefe’s scored the highest marks and that could either be because of the group of testers selected or because it just tastes better – not real sure… One thing to note though was that although Paulaner had the #1 beer, the brewery also produced the beer that came in second to last: regular Paulaner Hefe Weissen. Odd…

In dead last place was Schoefferhofer Hefeweissen. It wasn’t drinkable (one of the testers scribbled “never again” on his score card as a comment for this beer) and one would think that production of such a concoction would have already ceased due to an angry pitchfork wielding Bavarian mob storming the gates of the brewery.

The evening was a rousing success: lots of beer and food was consumed, there were no fights or broken furniture, no one got sick, no hookers showed up, not one person was locked out of their house by an angry wife/girlfriend, and we agreed to do this again in six or eight weeks to test the quality of local Pilsner (though I might expand the rules to include Czech beers as they are the ones that invented Pils…). Most of the credit for the successful evening goes to Laurel and Megan, who were so gracious to us all, even after we got loud – and I need to give a special note of thanks to Karin, who made all the yummy snacks and testing glasses possible.

Its Girl Scout cookie time again!!

You know how a bear just knows it is time to hibernate and geese just know it is time to fly south for the winter? The wildebeests in Africa just know when and how to migrate across the savannah and the swallows just know that they have to fly to Capistrano. Well, I just know when Girl Scout cookie season is. I feel it in my bones. There is a scent in the air, my Spidy-sense starts humming a little, and I have a Pavlovian response to sage green – the color of their merit badge sashes. Living in Germany for two years wrenched havoc on my system during this annual cookie-lust. I would grow moody and distant as February closed, but now I am back and I can, with some guidance and moderation, enjoy this time of year once again. As a note, self-control with cookies has never an easy thing for me. My wife has to dole them out in my lunch over a two-month period and lock them in a secret location at night. I can’t be left alone with them or she will find me passed out in the kitchen floor with a quart of whole milk, 4-5 empty boxes littered around me, and the crumbs of dozens of Samoas, Thin Mints and Trefoils cascading down my chest. We all have demons and mine are cookie flavored.

All this would work like clockwork except I have been added to some super-secret watch-list available only to 8-10 year old girls and their den mothers. They must have my address details, picture, vital stats, and my feeding patterns. I get nailed by those cute innocent faces at work, at home on the weekends, and while walking into every grocery store in town. They will let other potential cookie-consumers walk by with just the ‘Would you like to buy some cookies?’ pitch. Then they see me coming from across the parking lot. They huddle, then as I near the door one will step in front of me with a box in her hands, flash me the big sad puppy eyes and ask me to “Please” buy some of their crack. Before I can stiff-arm the tike, fake right, roll left and make a break for it, one of her co-conspirators move in from an oblique angle and cuts off my escape with another box of yumminess, looking hopeful while batting her eye lashes. So far this season I have bought 9 boxes and my wife made me promises not to buy another box, but I am a weak, weak man…

Yucky Pilsner

We had another tasting at the house recently and it was just as unscientific as the first one. Laurel is a pilsner fan so it was decided shortly after the last testing that we would try to find the best Pils brand available. I HATE Pils, so I offered to be the beer wench. Laurel’s dad was spending some time in The Czech Republic before coming to our place for a visit, so he agreed to get a sampling of Czech Pilsner – since that particular poison was born in a Czech monastery a few hundred years ago. He outdid himself by bringing a case of one liter beer 500+ miles on a train and then lugging it around Hamburg to our place.

Things started well and we had a fine turn out of participants as well as seventeen different beers to try. Mat and Karin brought aluminium foil for hats – lest other testers read your mind and it influence their decision and we provided beer related snacks. Donald, a chef by trade, cooked gourmet treats for the guests to have with the beverages.

Things started off well – I had a system where I assigned one glass to one person and would wash it real quick after a sampling had been drunk. After the second or third beer, Laurel stopped drinking and helped me with the serving. The testers started getting loud and opinionated after the fifth beer or so with the German testers saying hateful mean things about the Czech pilsner. Anytime we offered a German beer they knew right away and gave a little cheer. Consequently, as there were no Czech testers to balance it out, the German beer trounced the Czech versions, but two did make it into the top five.

A spreadsheet referencing each testers score for each beer and the overall ranking can be found here. The top five beers were:

#5 Warsteiner Pils
#4 Staropramen Svetlý (Pale)
#3 Bitburger (tie)
#3 Krusuvice (tie)
#1 Beck’s Gold

With hats, pizza, score cards, and beer. Click on the pic on the right for the best shot of the night.

There was continued drinking after the testing and things degraded further. At one point a brother of an invited guest decided it was a fine idea to grab a VERY expensive bottle of tequila and swig it like cheap bourbon. He threw back somewhere near $60 worth before the then half-empty bottle was taken from him. Shortly after we had to officially close the testing down for the evening. I would like to think that this proves, unscientifically, that Weisse beer is better than Pilsner and that the general public is better behaved and happier when they consume Franziskaner than when sucking down a Beck’s…