My wife has a fantastic sense of humor. It is dry and witty and she comes up with fantastic one-liners!  She is HILARIOUS without forcing it. Her humor is natural, unpracticed, and off the cuff. What comes up, comes out.

This is the sixth, though certainly not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

• I found this amazing piece of valuable art at a resell shop for $6. I was in shock a little that they did not know what it was.  I said nothing, paid for it, and practically ran home to show to my wife. She picked it up and marveled at my find then started slowly for the basement stairs, holding it gingerly and looking down at it almost lovingly. I asked her where she was going with the art and she replied like it was a normal statement on a normal day, “I am taking it down to put with the rest of my Dragon’s hoard”. My own tiny version of Smoug the Dragon…

• As we were going to sleep one night, my wife was already in bed and half asleep when I walked into the room. I heard her say, “You have to take the dogs out, I’m not wearing pants.”  I had just stepped out of the shower and was still wet and only in a towel.  She opened her eyes and said very slowly and with an air of menace: “Are you going to take the dogs out? If the answer is no, I will put PJ bottoms on and leave them on for a VERY LONG TIME”. I understood the gravity of my situation. I took the dogs out. 

• I watched an episode of a show without her that we had been watching together and was snacking after dinner at the same time. She walked in as the TV went off, looked around like an FBI agent first arriving at a crime scene – taking it all in. I was confronted with a narrow-eyed gaze and she said, “You smell of peanuts and treachery…”

• Our two dogs were mad after long walk. When questioned about their mood, she said , “They got to go to the park and shit on things – including me.”  I am guessing there were repercussions for the puppies… 

• We were on the town for a rare night out and enjoying Sushi at our favorite Japanese restaurant, sitting beside their salt water fish tank.  Laurel looked up, hashi, in hand, holding a delicate piece of Unagi sashimi and said, “We are just like those people on Soul Train.”  She meant that we are like the people on the TV show/movie Snow Piercer.  I erupted in laughter.  She smiled and ate her Unagi without a care in the world for just a little while.

• “Can we save some of Brodie’s hair or blood for later?”  Brodie is our 14 year-old Boston Terrier.  I think she wants to clone him…

My wife has the best one-liners!  She is HILARIOUS without meaning to be. It is unpracticed and off the cuff. What comes up come out… This is the fifth, though not the last, installment of Things My Wife Has Said:

1. “It took forever to train you and it was a lot of work.” 
2. “If you want to eat the food I cook, you will laugh at my jokes. Seriously.”
3. Years ago, when my wife was in costume design school, we made sock puppets with my kids during Christmas.  Well, my sock puppet was AMAZING!  I made a little fellow I called Sheriff Naughty Pants.  He came equipped with a red vest, gold star, black felt (made from scratch) cowboy hat, little pink tongue, and a SWEET handlebar mustache.  She was not amused.  I “snatched the prize” from her.  I did not know it was a competition, but she did, and I have given her crap about my awesome puppet making skills ever since, especially when and if she gets uppity about something.  Recently, after she was gaining traction in a domestic debate, I said casually mentioned, “I guess I can get Sheriff Naughty Pants out and let him cast the deciding vote.”  She stared at me with cold hateful malice and said in a flat serious serial killer voice: “I will burn your garage down!”
4. While looking at me in a loving sweet way out of the blue: “You are the Gomez to my Morticia.”
5. “This wine (rosé in a can) tastes like a trailer park.” 
6. There was a couple who were clearly high on X at a concert (Drop Kick Murphy’s) beer garden that were all over one another. I noticed them and said, “Those two will be doing that naked later.”  My wife looked sideways, pursed her lips a little and said, “Hopefully after we leave.”
7. A champagne cork popped just as we sat for dinner at a local restaurant and my wife looked up with a huge grin and said, “Mamma likes!!” and she proceeded to order the bubbly stuff.
8. Our female French Bulldog has a nubbin of a tail, like the bears in the Charmin Toilet Paper commercial.  My wife spotted her doing her “business” and said while wiping sleepy eyes, “Enjoy the go, Truffle.”
9. Right after knee surgery (3 months post-op) had to run for the bus at work that goes between buildings.  The colleague with me asked that I not do that again and that if I hurt my knee not to tell my wife that he was with me, because “I don’t want her to cut me all straight razor style.”  I told her in a joking way what he said that evening after getting home, and she replied in a distracted voice while doing something in the kitchen: “I wouldn’t use a razor. I would poke him a couple of times, like prisoners do with the shanks, in a soft vulnerable spot.”  I stared in disbelief and she said this while wearing sparkly French bulldog earrings and her hair up in bobbles looking as cute as a button.  You cannot help by love her!!
10. I was ogling a Ducati Scrambler one Saturday morning and my wife looked over my shoulder, saw what was on the iPad and said offhand, “If you buy a motorcycle, I will start doing coke.” Then she walked away. I guess I will not be buying a motorcycle.