Tag: Laurel

Kitchen Cabinet Work Update

/ Matt Talley

There was a flurry of activity to get our kitchen done before our move to France.  I got it 99% of the way – with serious help from Mr. Flood and my sweet wife.  It just needs a little paint on the overhead fridge pullouts, slight pull-out slide adjustment and the installation of the custom milled and matched cove molding.  That will all keep until we get back to Seattle though.  My mom will be able to cook in there just fine as-is.

I feel that the upper cookbook shelf ties the old and new sides together and adds that part of the overall kitchen that was missing.  The shelf also seems to lighten up the space a little as well.  The wine rack was put in specifically for my wife.  It started as a discussion in the breakfast nook one mid-morning, transitioned to a napkin sketch, and four hours later, the carcass was built, bottom brackets cut, and block top was in the clamps with the glue drying.  After the paint was on and top installed, my wife swooned.  It made me smile from ear to ear!

The paper towel holder was a bit of a conundrum.  With low upper cabinets, there was just no good spot either on the counter or under the cabinet.  I toyed around with a couple of ideas before I decided to mount the paper towels on the old ironing board (now spice cabinet) lower door.  I used some scrap popular and turned a section of oak down on the lathe for the rod.  It is inserted all the way through the shelf and both wedged and glued in place.  My grand kids will still be able to use that towel holder when they are my age.  yes, I over built something again…  On the brighter side, the paper town holder bracket, the small round shelf brackets, the cookbook shelf brackets, and the wine rack brackets all match, again marrying all the different kitchen elements together.

Almost as important to her as the wine rack was the trash and recycling can drawer.  After it was in and painted I caught her pulling it open and closing it over and over with a giggly smile.  The curves on the side match all the shelf brackets – I couldn’t help myself.

Dreams of My Own Little Shop of Curiosities..

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I have a dream: I want to open a small to medium sized antique shop and have a place for my wife to work where she can take the babies and puppies. A place where I could indulge in my love of furniture/design/history and still keep my day job and health insurance. This is not a pipe dream, I have a written draft business plan, have worked out a logo and ethos (solid wood only) and have a special savings account for the start-up costs. In addition to classic and choice mid-century pieces, I would sprinkle in a few of my own newly constructed items and the occasional consignment.

I found the perfect place a couple of years ago: an existing antique shop where the owners were thinking of retiring and had good open space with FANTASTIC ambiance. I found out recently that the shop had closed forever and that the space was being converted to some other purpose. I snuck over and took pictures of the interior before it was sold or leased and some idiot rips it apart, installs IKEA cabinets, and opens an ironic hipster shop…

It hurts my heart a little to see someone else get the spot that I have long coveted, but I will find or make just as good of a space when the time comes.

Camping in the Plague-free 14th Century

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Stamps-With-Foot and I spent part of the recent holiday weekend camping in a south-western Washington hay field pretending with a wink and a smile that it was 1340.

We have some friends that are big into the SCA and asked us to come along.  At the mention of playing dress up, my wife was all in.  I spent most of my time cooking and washing dishes and I made it over to Merchant’s Row for a few purchases.  I got way too involved in construction techniques of the different tents and campers (kind of want my own Gypsy Vardo) and camping accouterments and MAY have made a pest of myself at one booth deciphering the geometry of the tent fly.  There are times when I am too nerdy for my own good.

Anyway, we had a nice time away from a house full of boxes and projects.  It was great to see our friends and it made my wife happy to get to dress me up in pretend pleasant clothes.

Summer Garden 2013

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Fall will be on us in a couple of weeks and this has been a fairly productive garden year, though not quite as bountiful as last year. I blame it on my travel schedule since the weather this year has been fantastic. We have less tomatoes, but a bunch of corn – 40+ stalks that are a week or so away from harvesting. A huge running squash plant, but only a few actual squash – it should have nipped it. Since rhubarb and Swiss chard are disgusting weeds that I feel has no place in my garden, the two plants that my lovely wife planted are going gang-busters…

The crows found the cherry trees up front and within two days ate EVERY single cherry – green or otherwise, and left pits scatted about the lawn to taunt me. Grumble, grumble, grumble… A particular squirrel found our raspberries & thorn-less blackberries and our harvest was cut by 50% or so. We grew TWO LEMONS!! Total cost for time, the tree, energy to keep it alive for two winters, water, etc.., means that my lemons are worth $500 each. The Apple trees are healthy and we have a few apples – we need more bees. The fig did well and we are going to plant it in a sunny spot in the front. No blueberries to speak of. We will plant our two Sunshine verities along the side of the south front fence and see how they do for the next couple of years.

On the flower front, we are awash in dahlias and lilies and poppies. The kitchen and bathroom have been filled almost all summer with various cuttings. Stamps-With-Foot is giddy about her progression from plant murderer (she once killed a jade plant… How do you kill jade?!) into a budding flower gardener. Giddy. Below are some pictures of some of the fruit, veggies, flowers, and berries from our garden at home so far this year:

Some Big News…

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So… My J-O-B has made us an offer that is very hard to refuse: a two year stint in the south of France and they will fly us home 3 times a year. We get to keep our house and I get to come back to my job in Seattle when that period ends. THE SOUTH OF FRANCE!! Warm weather, amazing wine, spectacular cheese, lavender, honey, the French vacation plan. We would be living outside of Toulouse – the third largest city in France. It sits at the foot of the Pyrenees Mountains, is an hour from the coast, has one of the 10 best Saturday markets in Europe (so says the interwebs), and has more sunshine in 6 weeks of summer than Seattle has all year. We are so freaking doing this!

There is some red tape that we have to cut through, namely a work permit. Since around 27% of the French population under 30 is out of work, getting a permit right now, even in the aerospace field, is tres difficile. Fingers crossed. If this happens, then The Nana will move into La Maison du Talley, pay the utilities, and keep the zombie horde away. Visualize a sweet grandmother rocking away on the front porch with a shotgun across her lap. Add a Marlboro hanging from the corner of her mouth and you will have an accurate picture of The Nana.

I will miss my shop and my yard for those two years, but I will plug the hole in my heart with Cote du Rhone, Comte, a day trip or 6 to the Mediterranean coast, weekends in Paris/Rome, sunshine, and a yearly vacation to Morocco. I will be taking a chest of hand tools and am planning on making some small detailed pieces while there. I also plan on scouring the flea markets over that two year period for planes, chisels, and joinery tools.

Stamps-With-Foot is not concerned about logistics or housing or much of anything other than “How is Brodie going to handle that long flight?!” She feels that we will be taking Brodie back to ancestral homeland and has spent some amount of time talking to the dog about this possibility – trying to get him psyched about the proposition…

12th Night in Portland – 2013

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A few weeks ago we drove down to Portland so that I could to do some off-site work for my J-O-B and took an extra day (on or dime) to both visit friends and attend an evening of the SCA’s 12th Night celebration – Being married to a trained costume designer means that one goes to these sorts of evenings.  Our friends have closets (yes, I meant to be plural – as in 4 closets) filled with period costumes and accessories.  My wife dressed me in a couple of different outfits until she was certain that I looked the part and then I went and waited downstairs for a couple of hours while the ladies prepped and primped like a good little puppy.

I agreed to this foray for three reasons:

  1. Happy wife, happy life…
  2. There was booze promised to me.
  3. There was to be a “huge” vendor area where all sorts of cool stuff like swords, and bows, and armor, and axes and like items would be sold and traded.

Now, the mention/rumor of armor and swords takes be back to being a 9-year old at my very first Renaissance Faire (the REAL Penn and Teller performed that year).  I wanted a “real” sword and a chain mail hood so bad that I would have licked the bottom of a Port-a-John seat for them at the time.  My son is now enamored with the same period of history, I live vicariously through him and thought that he would get a real kick out of the pictures of armor and swords

I was a little disappointed: no swords, one real armor dealer and sales area was lined with stalls that catered to the ladies fabric, buttons, capes, cloaks, furry hats, jewelry, etc…), but I did end up getting a few good pictures to send to The Ruminator and we ended up watching the fencing melee/tournament.  Helmets, steel swords, shields, daggers, very cool.  He would have been all in!

The rest of the event was good and the detail of some of the costumes was amazing.  Some of those folks put months and months of work hand sewing outfits just for that one night.  Our evening ended with a game of Cards Against Humanity – I won – and we stumbled home just after 1:00AM.

Someone call PETA…

/ Matt Talley / 2 Comments

Our dog lives a hard life…  No one loves this dog…  Mistreated he is…

We make him sleep in the bed, nap on the heating pad with a blanket, his food is warmed up, there is a bushel basket full of toys, someone is with him all day and he has a drawer full of vests and sweaters.  Treats fill his life and Stamp-With-Foot forces him to snuggle.  I am shocked that the neighbors have not called the Department of Animal Welfare on us.

Stamps-With-Foot’s Garden

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Seattle has suffered through a weeks of freezing fog, stagnant air, flu season, and intermittent rain. The weather has me longing for long September evenings in our back yard….

2012 was a great year for us outside and in the yard. Stamps-With-Foot had her greening thumb put to work and our garden was crazy plentiful, in part because of her planting of mutant green squash and her nightly wine sipping/watering regimen. She moved dirt, turned the compost, picked berries, planted, harvested, pruned, cut bushes, dug in the dirt, and even removed a slug or two. I was very proud of her!

That hard work and spent energy was put to good use and we traded our bounty of veggies with the neighbors, she froze raspberries and blackberries that we both toiled over and my sweet wife made countless spinach and arugula salads from plants that we grew. To top it all off, she turned some of our tomatoes into chutney that was canned to make Christmas gifts. She is turning into quite the little homesteader.

Christmas Redecorating

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Each year after Thanksgiving, we take an afternoon, go to our local tree-seller and pick out a fine Noble Fir for our Christmas tree. I then pull out our integrated reservoir tree stand, a carpenter’s level, and set the whole assemblage on top of our large, round, lipped Christmas tree spill pan – I have very vivid nightmares about water stains on my wood floor…

Like most households that celebrate Santa/Christmas/Yule/Midwinter/etc…: The tree goes up, the ornaments come out, stockings are hung, etc. The only twist in our home is that in all reality, I am relegated to unpacking the 4 boxes of our handmade glass, pewter, and pine German ornaments and my participation in hanging them on the tree is verboten due to Stamps-With-Foot’s Tannenbaum OCD. Here is how it goes:

Tree in stand.
Wife surveys the straightness.
Tree adjusted.
Christmas music marathon begins
Dog trots in and notices tree.
Gets pissed off, turns his back to us and the tree and stares at the wall.
Slinks away after 30 minutes – Brodie HATES Christmas.
Tree adjusted again.
Tree must be turned to see which side is the best.
Decision made.
Lights put on.
Tree turned again.
Light strands removed.
Lights put back on in almost exactly the same place.
Light cords hidden.
Ornaments come out.
Lights on.
I have to turn the tree again.
Re-adjust.
Move some of the lights around.
Possible trimming of branches will happen at this point.
Hand wife ornaments – glass balls first.
Wife will walk back and forth and back and forth searching for perfect branch.
Previous step repeats about 150 times.
I am banned from giving her camping or climbing themed ornaments to place.
I sneak one onto the tree in the midst of her frenzy.
I go away and hang lights outside or hide from her Yuletide decorating wrath.
Find dog brooding over the nasty tree in HIS house and plotting to bite this Kris Kringle guy.
Toward the end of the evening, I am called back and I am allowed to hang 2-4 ornaments in a place I see fit.
Wife then moves them at least twice.
Tree trimming done 2-4 hours later.
I go to bed and twitch in my sleep to the beat of Nat King Cole, Elvis, Perry Como, and Sinatra as holiday music plays into the night…
Dog watches me sleep with hate in his heart because I was the one who carried the tree in.
Wake up sometime later and tree has been moved and completely rearranged.
Camping/Climbing ornament that I surreptitiously placed has been found, removed and place conspicuously on the table.
I look sheepish and she gives me the stink-eye over my transgression.
Presents are arranged by wife in a “certain order.”
Christmas music back on – maybe it never went off…
Brodie is put into his Santa outfit.
He somehow looks sad and furious at the same time.
There will be consequences for the red elf jacket that was forced upon him!
Am not allowed to touch area near tree until pictures are made.
Wife giggly happy.
Presents and ornaments rearranged at least once every three days until Christmas morning.

To save myself some work and time, I told her this year that I “could build” a lockable turning base so that she could move the tree over and over during initial setup and for decorating. You should of seen her face light up. The mere thought of it led to her running over and jumping on me saying “YES, YES, PLEASE, PLEASE!” I do love her.

Travel and Camping in the Land of shiny vampires…

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Every summer, my son and I go camping. Some years his sister has gone and my wife has started joining us, but there is a lot of quality father/son time.  Discussions swirl around knights, swords, native American tribes/practices, foreign places/peoples, battles, gvns, more sword talk, camping skills, camp cooking, and the merits of boxing/judo/Krav Maga/etc…  This year, The Ruminator and Stamps-With-Foot conspired against me and planned a trip to Forks, Washington to visit the Twilight tour stops.

The plan was to drive from Seattle to Forks, visiting La Push, and then completing the circumnavigation of the Olympic Peninsula – going from campground to campground.   The trip coincided with both Quileute Days and the Squim Lavender Festival – I have a soft spot for lavender.  I believe that the side trip to Squim was more of a bribe than anything else as our rainey destination and reason for going didn’t really speak to my heart.  My sweet, sweet wife, all her friends, my daughter, and most of the women I know are enamored with the sparkling undead.  I prefer my vampires to erupt into flames when exposed to sunlight, but I am old-school like that.

We packed the new truck, Tater, with tents, bags, rain tarps, food, cast iron, ukeleles, wood, sleeping pads, water, more tarps and headed west like 21st century hillbillies.  Our first night was spent near a WWII concrete anti-ship fort – we had to explore the depths and gvn emplacements twice in 24 hours…  Before heading to Squim, we stopped in downtown Port Townsend and explored the wooden boat center and some of the shops.   Another bribe.  Wooden boats and I have an unrequited love affair.  I can’t have one because I already have a wife and a full-time job, but that doesn’t preclude me from lusting over teak decks, tight joinery, and the naughty brass bits…

The rain came our second night of camping and never really left.  There were dry hours where we cooked and played dueling ukuleles, but for the most part the next 4 nights were an exercise in trying to keep from getting soggy.  Brodie was along for his first Talley Family camp-a-thon and was not amused.  All he wanted to do was sit with his mommy and crawl under the dry blankets in the tent.  That whole thing in the books about Forks being the rainest place in the lower 48 rings true for me.  We were there in the summer and never dried out, I can only imagine what it is like in the depth of a long grey winter.

Quileute Days was a side stop on our way to the Pacific coast and LaPush.  The Ruminator just HAD to swim in the ocean and no amount of persuasion about it being cold, really cold, would change his adolescent, made up mind.  After running into the surf and getting slapped in the chest by the first arctic-cold wave, his eyes got huge and he came up gasping for air.  He stayed in until his lips turned almost blue and we had to drag him out.  I have a sneaking suspicion that his next trip to the coast will involve a wetsuit.

Forks is a former logging town that is full of nice people who still seem a little bewildered by all the attention.  Two shops really stand out in my memory (aside from the Twilight one): a tackle shop that had the same organizational system as my grandfather’s garage: “I know it is here somewhere….”  mounted fish on the wall, a stuffed mountain lion, and a dog sleeping in her spot by the door.   The other shop was an eclectic mix of junk shop, antique store, book store, coffee shop and sandwich counter where we had lunch.   If you go to Forks – dragged by your significant other as well – you cant miss the latter; it is on the same side of the street of the now closed Twilight store and just to the north.

This summer taught us a few things:

  1. Full-on luxury glamping is awesome when you arrive, unload and stay in place, but sucks when you move every night.
  2. Zombie Gunship played on an iPad in the backseat makes the miles fly by and nary a “Are we there yet?” is uttered.
  3. Brodie hates camping, the woods, rain, campfires, and the ukelele.  Hates.
  4. Stamps-With-Foot makes a mean gumbo!
  5. The idea of spending time in the “Wettest place in the lower 48” sounds MUCH better than it is.
  6. I am more awesomer at checkers than my son
  7. Lavender ice cream is amazingly yummy
  8. Flailing about with bullwhip kelp is a fine way to get into trouble
  9. Bacon fried in a iron skillet over a campfire is another proof the God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  10. Future summer outings will be less Cormac McCarthy’ The Road (soggy,cold,dirty) and more Endless Summer or Smokey and the Bandit.

Our Summer Garden

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It has been a sweet summer in our small garden.  Stamps-With-Foot has really stepped up and has been planting, weeding, watering, picking fruit, staking dahlias and has even once turned the compost and added chicken manure.  I have been both shocked and impressed.  She even talked me into having some corn planted in the raised boxes this year.  She bought the starts, planted them, made sure they were well hydrated and is now about to harvest 15+ ears of yellow sweet corn.  Her squash has been prolific and we will have more soybeans this fall than we will know what to do with.  Happily surprised at my bride’s greening thumb…

So far this season, we have harvested 25 heads of garlic, 10 sweet yellow onions, 30+ yellow and green squash, a few Roma tomatoes (still very early in the season), 4+pints of raspberries (late summer crop just starting), 3 pints of wonderfully sweet blackberries, figs, apricots, 1 apple (more to come), a gallon+ of cherries, spinach, 5 beets, more Swiss and rainbow chard than I care to remember, 2 pints of small strawberries, a pint-ish of blueberries, and we have supplied three households with rosemary, sage, pineapple sage, thyme, basil, Thai basil, Moroccan mint, and spearmint.  We have been trading produce with some other members of our family for eggs and with two sets of neighbors for veggies and flowers.  Stamps-With-Foot mentioned the other day that she felt like Marie Antoinette with her little Austrian Hobby farm in the shadow of Versailles.

The amazing amount of flowers (except for the lavender and roses) have all been cared for by my sweet wife and a neighbor from across the street.  Both front and back yards have been perfumed since early spring.

Lawn Furniture done!

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As I mentioned in a previous post, there had been parts for Adirondack lawn chairs all over the house and shop for 9+ months waiting on me to gather the will to glue them up and drive some weatherproof screws home.  The Ruminator and I put together when he was here this summer – he supervised while waxing poetic about dressing up like a viking – and I spent a combined 12 hours priming and painting them candy apple red.

Since I don’t want to repaint them every spring I used an oil-based exterior paint.   Holy crap, it was hard to find!   It seems that everyone has switched to latex based paint for homeowner use (ease of use, easy cleanup, better for the environment, etc…) and I had to resort to having gloss deck and concrete paint custom mixed.  It went on like glass though and should be impervious to our rainy long winter weather for three or four years.  My sweet wife super loves them and could barely wait until they were dry before giving them a proper, reading a book in the sun, test.

Below is a gallery of the whole build process:

What I Want Thursday – 8/2/2012

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Below are the things that I find are present for me today:

1. More time with my children.

2. I want to stick to my new diet and workout schedule and not fall off the wagon and back into the cookie/café Mocha/lethargic/big-belly abyss.

3. For my wife to finish some long ago promised sewing tasks for me.

4. More book shelf space at home. We read more and more on our kindles and have sold many, if not most, of the paperbacks that have filled our lives for years and we are still completely out of space for our books. There are stacks on the floor in both of our home offices, to-read piles on each night-stand, fiction and history filing the living room book case, literature lined up on the basement hutch, cookbooks on the bottom shelf of the china hutch, and single volumes littered across the normally unoccupied spaces of our small home. We more shelves, not less books!

5. A finished kitchen

6. Painted lawn furniture

7. Filson Medium Travel bag. My son and I went to the Filson factory store and I fell into love/lust over this piece of luggage. I know that sounds weird, but I fly a LOT – I am a Platinum SkyTeam frequent flier member and a Gold OneWorld member. Quality, attractive, roomy, useful luggage is a necessity.

8. A cigarbox electric Ukulele for playing blues with a slide.

9. A proper car camping/glamping kitchen set up.

10. A few books: Passions:The Wines and Travels of Thomas Jefferson; The Lodge Cast Iron Cookbook; Paris Between the Wars 1919-1939: Art, Life & Culture; Ernest Hemmingway bio and a two books of his letters (1&2), etc…

11. A Truck bed full of wooden wine/port crates/boxes for a couple of open projects at home.

12. To give Heifer International a menagerie of animals. That is my charity goal for the year. I want to save, gather, raise, find as much cash as possible to give to Heifer International by the end of 2012 for the purchase of bees, goats, cows, water buffalo, chickens, trees, training and hope. It will provide animals and knowledge that will change lives for the good. I will add a link or a tab on my front page to a fund status page/counter and update it as the gift grows.

Spring Cleaning and Garden Prep -2012

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The sun is out and it looks like spring has finally come to Seattle. I had a full weekend off and was in the country for a change, so it was time to get busy waking the garden and yard up, prepping for planting, take care of some spring cleaning and enjoy a sunny warm day outside. Below is how this past Sunday went for me:

Up and out of the shower by 10:00am
Wife made yummy breakfast with Trader Joe’s Croissants
Coffee made me human
Put on my overalls
Removed extension cords that powered Christmas lights
Started taking down Christmas lights – 2.5 months late
Realized when on top of ladder that I needed long reach tool I made last year
Spent 30 minutes searching…
Remembered that I turned old tool into something else
Muttered dirty words
Spent 10 minutes making new long reach Christmas light removal tool
While on top of ladder, cleaned gutters – 5th time in 12 months…. Stupid Pine tree…
Turned compost
Cleaned and swept shop a little
Took apart one of our winter hot houses.
Planted forgotten bag of tulip/Camila bulbs found in hot house
Shook head and hoped that they will come up
Mulched roses
Feed roses some of the pink Miracle Grow good stuff
Treated roses for Black Spot as preventative measure
Killed some evil dandelions
Laughed manically while committing the deed
Reconnected the garden irrigation system
Wife brought me coffee and a kiss
Mulched the apple and cherry trees
Ran out of mulch
Started to Home Depot and somehow drove past and all the way to Second Use
Found $220+ of oak flooring for $25
Bought oak flooring…
Picked up more mulch at Home Depot and replacement drill for one that was stolen
Unloaded truck
Wife didn’t raise eyebrow at truck full of wood
Got away with unplanned purchase this time…
Trimmed dead shoots from lavender
Mulched around all the lavender
Sweet wife made me lunch
Moved new cabinet from shop into basement
Started to move charcoal grill
Found football sized mass of blue and black mold inside grill
How in the hell does that happen??!?!?!
Gagged more than a little
Muttered more dirty words
Cleaned out mold, scrubbed every surface with bleach solution and wire brush
There were some additional words spoken that start with F
Made HUGE hot fire with oak shop scrap to kill EVERYTHING in grill
Grill now ready for spring
Laid out spot on outside garage wall for new garden tool shed.
Cut stakes for raspberries
Dark outside so went into basement
Sanded kitchen cabinet shelves that are under construction
Put a coat of primer on them
Installed in some drawer slides in what will be new 15″ cabinets beside the stove
Fv#%ing drill battery ran out of juice
My lovely bride made a yummy dinner
Can’t find new charger for new drill
Wrapped last of wife’s birthday gifts
Put finishing coat of clear-coat on Persian table base that I have been redoing
Somehow got finish in my mouth
Spat and tried repeatedly to scrap the turpentine taste off my tongue
Failed
Gave up
Went to bed
Opened book
Not a single word read before I passed completely out.

Elementary…

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Sherlock Holmes has become an everyday occurrence in my life. Last year my wife and I read a few of the Laurie King/Mary Russell books. She got The House of Silk and The Sherlockian for Christmas. I have started re-reading all the original Doyle stories and last, but not least… Sherlock Holmes is now a draftsman at my J-O-B. No really, I work with a man who’s actual real legal name, given at birth, is Sherlock Holmes. I wanted to hire the guy from the milli-second that I saw the heading of his resume, but he is actually a fantastic draftsman and a great asset.

Anyway, I have been and will be spending more than a little time in London and England in general this year and on my most recent trip I happened to find myself on Baker Street in London. Well, far be it from me to miss a weird travel opportunity. The wife and I walked down to the Sherlock Holmes “Museum” near the Baker Street tube stop and took the tour. We enjoyed the aside in our busy day and hammed it a photo-op. Stamps-With-Foot makes a pretty little Watson…

Drinking the black stuff in Ireland

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I resolved not to travel as much in 2012 as I did in 2011 (over 150K air miles), but I am not off to an auspicious start: by January 17th, I already had just over 9,000 miles and I am booked for another British/European tour in March,  but I can say for a fact that 2012 has started off with much sweeter miles,  My J-O-B sent me to England and Ireland for 8 days and my sweet little wife, Stamps-With-Foot, got to tag along for the first time in years.  I can’t tell you how great it was to have her the with me!  I slept great, I didn’t miss her when I saw some new or interesting site since she was right there.  I had a dinner date every night and it was guaranteed that would be invited back to her place…

We had a day off in London and a night out in Dublin and we made the most of our time seeing old friends, visiting the V&A, taking the Globe Theatre tour, wandering through the Sherlock Homes “Museum”, visiting favorite shops, drinking Guinness, ogling the floor at Christchurch, more Guinness, and listening to Irish trad music on the top floor of Gogarty’s in Temple Bar.  It was a really nice mid-winter diversion for us, though there were some tears shed over Brodie, my wife’s puppy/fur-baby, not being there to snuggle her to sleep…

A fruitful season

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I am sitting in our breakfast nook, drinking coffee and getting mentally prepped for my J-O-B. As I sip my needed and delicious cup o’ joe, I can see the winter sunrise reflecting off the tips of the frost covered grass in the front yard. It has me ruminating on the intensity, goals, minor failures, and harvest from this years garden and yard work.

I spent our very cold spring getting our raised boxes ready for a bumper crop: perfect soil mix, irrigation lines, compost, etc… The tomatoes were planted a little early and they got an early blight that stunted them for a time, but they came back in force and we had more tomatoes than we new what to do with this year. I didn’t get the onions in the ground soon enough or plant garlic at all, so e ultimately gathered 2 medium white onions and I left the rest of the shoots in the ground this fall, planted winter garlic and covered them with straw so the we will have a summer crop next year.

We feel our biggest success was with our greens. Planted spinach, butter lettuce, and chard that fed us all summer. There was an unfortunate incident with the broccoli (bugs, microwave, crunchy dinner…), but on the whole our bed of greens was were most of the bang for our buck came from.

Fall hurt a little. I was away a good bit traveling for work and the garden was neglected. My very first apple was stolen by a squirrel, the slugs went NUTS on the last of the tomato crop. Fvcking slugs… There will be a battle next year and I am planning on a plan of full slug eradication. There was some definite success though: we gathered almost 2 gallons of raspberries, made mint mojitos and mint juleps from the 6 types of mint I have growing in containers. There were probably 3 bushels of tomatoes that came out of one 3×7 raised bed – really. We had our first lemon, first fig, cherries, huckleberries, strawberries (also hurt by the squirrels though), a full cup of blue berries, beets, greens, and lot of knowledge gained through screwing up.

Thoughts for this winter and next year:

Death to all slugs!!
Need more bees early in the season for fruit trees – hang some mason bees in a warm area.
Grow starts in basement and do not plant too early.
Mulch raspberries and roses.
Cut all blackberries out.
Need more drip irrigation hose.
Raise kitchen herb planters up another foot off the ground.
Raise strawberry pots up as well.
Prune tomato flowers so that crop is smaller and fruit larger.
Use apple bags to keep apple pests at bay.
Spray fruit trees early!
Spray roses with anti-rust/fungal early and monthly.
Spend more time in garden.

We got some serious shiznit done this weekend

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

As per usual, our weekend was jammed with crap to get done before the dreaded Monday morning came calling. Here is how it went:

Up at 7:30
Coffee makes me into a human being. Able to now form whole sentences without grunting
Remove panels from back fence for new hot tub delivery
Smash thumb, say F-word. Say again louder just because
Clear temp spot on patio for said hot tub.
Spend 10 minutes day dreaming about hot tub magic on a cold winter evening – snow falling into the hot water…
Three J-O-B related calls wake me from my hazy never, never land
Get bact to work making room for te most expensive lawn accessory I have ever owned
Put hot house tent on second planter box
I WILL HAVE LOTS OF RED TOMATOES THIS YEAR, DAMNIT!!
Say hateful words about last years green tomatoes
Paint primer on cabinet base
Get primer in beard
Don’t realize about errant primer
Take dog with me to C&P Coffee Shop
Get some weird looks
Wonder if I have a boogie…
Meet wife at home
Wife cleans primer off face
Wrap living room in plastic and cover floor – looks like a scene from Dexter
Wife paints around trim
Work on J-O-B stuff from home
Three huge Somoans deliver hot tub
Do not argue about price
More coffee with nephew at C&P
Pizza and game night at sister’s place
Mom talks smack about she “never” cheats at games
Lighting REALLY wanted to strike….
Dominate in board game after dinner!!
Take that, Mom!!!
Consume port
Sleep
Up at 8:oo – wife brought home Starbucks
Super love wife
Researched crazy Seattle building codes for hot tubs and decks
Talked to a couple of friends in Germany using Skype – we miss Germany
Made a plan for deck that will keep me from getting a fine – maybe
Work on kitchen cabinet base in shop
Clean shop a little
Daydream about the day when I have a work space larger than a prison cell
Fondle jointer plane and wood mallet
Move desk for mother
Help tape trim in living room and paint ceiling and help paint walls
Mention that wall color looks like mac&cheese
Receive sustained dirty look from wife
Do not comment about color further
More paint in beard
Notice this time
More working for THE MAN at home
Wife goes to club meeting
Fix drawers on wife’s dresser solely for the brownie points
Lock self out of house
Look at sky and shake head slowly…
Mark pad site for hot tub with paint and mark wiring trench path
Spray paint toe of left shoe
Say the F-word at least twice
Go to sisters house and bum dinner
Sister is a great cook, single, very pretty – just saying in case you know a gent 45 – 55 with taste and a real job… Has to be single and not a dick. Must love really obese dachshunds.
Wife home
Play the whole locked my self and the dog out of the house thing off like I meant to do it
She doesn’t buy it
More painting
Not a word said about Kraft wall color – not even a smirk. Want to sleep inside tonight
Shower
Send a flurry of work emails
Curse my work email server to a firery prolonged end
Retype all the email and send again.
Off to bed to snuggle with wife.

A few pictures of Laurel and Brodie this summer

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Since Brodie follows my wife constantly and they are near inseparable, every time I snap a picture of Stamps-With-Foot, Brodie is there.  When I leave this life I hope that I am reincarnated as a new frenchie puppy for my wife.  She is fully involved with her fur-baby: he eats lavish hot food, has more toys than he can play with, a warm comfy bed, a yard free of crap, other dogs, unlimited snuggling, and bacon for snacks.  In short, the life all Frenchies dream of – well except for the occasional romp with a toy poodle – there could be more of that for Brodie…

An update on the removal of the giant outdoor cat litter box.

/ Matt Talley / 4 Comments

As mentioned before, the previous owners of our home filled what used to be a cascading koi pond with a couple of years worth of used cat litter.  The removal of this “gift” was a project that I was NOT looking forward to, but it had to be done.  While it was officially still winter, I started the spring prep in the yard/garden and the litter box was the first project on my list.

I dug the bed out and hauled the old liner and kitty-nuggets away.  I had thought about turning the area into a raised root vegetable planter, but the thought of any leftover cat poo getting into my food gave me the shakes.  Stamps-With-Foot has been eyeing my vegetable boxes with intent to “ maybe add some flowers” so I decided to give her some space to plant non-edible flora in the backyard, which by agreement is my gardening domain.

There was already a course of interlocking wall block down, so I rearranged the foot print and after a trip to Home Depot for material, I laid four more courses down to give her a two foot tall planter with about  fourteen square feet of planting space.  (As a note, I have mad masonry hammer skills.)

After finishing the walls and filling the new planter with topsoil and a fresh layer of compost, I soaked the blocks with water and added moss bits from the old wall/garage roof to the seams because my little wife really likes the mossy look of old walls.  I blended some moss up with yogurt that next weekend and spread it on to assist the growth process.  By next summer the planter will look like it has been there for twenty years and the odd floral planting will not “happen” to show up next to my veggies.  The pics below show the original ivy-covered state and how it looked up until late summer.

Neurotic Puppy

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Anytime my wife leaves the house, the dog runs to the window, watches her walk out of the gate, puts on the saddest puppy face you have ever seen, and whimpers like she is never coming home. He then quickly looks over at me like he is trying to say, “Do SOMETHING pink monkey!! She is getting away!” He then sulks for a couple of hours. If Stamps-With-Foot is gone for more than a day, he acclimates and we turn into big buds, he follows me around the house/yard, snuggles at bed time, and hangs out with me if I am reading or watching TV. That dog has it great when it is just him and me: unlimited bacon, I don’t blaming him for the gas smell that was probably me, walks in the park, cream cheese at C&P coffee, no baths, rough housing, ball throwing, ear scratching, his food heated up, and cat chasing to his heart’s content.

All bets are off though when she walks back in the door. He runs up and puts on a ten minute show of how much he loved and missed her like I beat him and made him wear fuzzy booties and have Tea Party with Kung Fu grip GI Joe, Han Solo, and some troll dolls.

This is “The Look” and below is the background music in his head when the gate swings shut and he is not prancing out of it with her connected via a leash… 

 

Sometimes I am too damn handy.

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

I have, for years, prided myself on my ability to make or fix just about anything found in our home or yard. Instead of having to hire a repairman or contractor, I have just done it all myself. That sounds smug, but I don’t mean for it to be – bear with me and you’ll see where this is going…

In the years since I met my wife, I have made: squirrel feeders, two loft beds, cutting tables (sewing), bird houses, 5 cutting boards, bookshelves, 2 hutches, kitchen cabinets, a hall tree, reupholstered chairs, refinished countless pieces of furniture, designed/built drawer organizers, patched walls, made a bat house (?!), hung drywall, sewn dresses, painted countless rooms (one with 5 coats of paint…), unclogged toilets & sinks, said some dirty words, welded a bumper, made a working boomerang for my son, etched glass, rescued old furniture from the burn pile, repaired a ukulele & 2 guitars, built window box planters, installed crown molding and fancy trim, bound books, constructed pellet gun targets, fixed printers/plotters, organized crap, made many of my own hand tools, hung doors, planted a garden, cleaned gutters, reseeded lawns, planted a mini-orchard, baked bread, made 2 yards Ireland-green, hung light fixtures, split firewood, soldered pipes, installed irrigation systems, pulled dents from two fenders, cut down trees, built 2 decks, sharpened countless kitchen knives, BBQed like a spatula wielding God, crafted raised garden boxes, installed 4 wireless home networks, baked turkeys, epoxied stuff back together, framed pictures, made pies, rewired lights & switches, changed automotive oil, installed shocks, brewed beer, hung about a 1000 pictures, replaced an intake manifold gasket, rewired the TV and remote, built-up 8 bikes, re-glazed windows, built PCs, replaced/rekeyed locks, and have been the entire family’s Computer Help Desk – on call 24hrs a day...

While this has saved me a few bucks here and there, it has had a couple of unwanted effects as well. 1: While I CAN fix this stuff, I don’t have the time to work, write, see the kids, snuggle my wife, and walk the dog and still take care of all the crap on my list of stuff to fix or build. 2: My wife knows I can do it all and so she is forever finding new tasks for me AND she breaks shit constantly. Now, the first thing is just one of those parts of married life that one has to just accept. It is like the 9th unwritten wedding vow: Do you, __________, promise to trap mice, carry grocery bags, repair the little things on the coming honey-do list, and put the toilet seat down, so long as you both shall live?

The second issue is more an unconscious development than a malicious attack on our household goods. Some examples:

  1. A cutting board gets left in a sink of water overnight and warps/splits. “It’s OK, you can fix it right?” She says when I find it in the morning and make the grumpy face…
  2. Kid who worked at the grocery store puts HUGE dent in car door with a train of shopping carts. No report is made. “Can you smooth that out?”
  3. First day in our home in Seattle… Me: Don’t use your hair dryer upstairs, the old wiring can’t handle it. Her: OK. After two tripped breakers when she plugged it in anyway the next morning, I found myself at the bottom of the stairs, crumpled in a ball, with a dislocated shoulder after I fell down said stairs trying to turn the breaker back on.
  4. Me: “Where is my bike lock cable?” Her: “Oh, that… I used it the other day and it fell off my bike somewhere and I didn’t notice.”

It is my fault, I have trained her to be this way – it is a learned behavior. If we had to pay cold hard cash for all the little/huge messes/dents/dings/cracks that seem to follow Stamps-With-Foot she would be more careful. I love my wife. She is amazing in so many ways – in most ways, but I swear the very next thing time I have to fix around the house (caused by her own personal tornado), my lovely/girly/sweet wife is going to get covered in sawdust, mud, paint, goo, putty, primer, glue, stain, and gunk – just because.

A bowl and a mallet

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I few weekends ago I spent some hours hunched infront of the lathe just playing with shapes and chisels.  I came away with a much needed maple carving mallet and a large elm bowl for Stamps-With-Foot.  She was all smiles when I presented it to her and turned it in every direction to see all the detail.  There was some kissing.  The mallet is now in my shop and I have used it for some clean-up chiseling on some trim and the bowl is sitting on our kitchen table filled with fruit and the first roses clipped from our bushes this year.

I find that if I spend a whole day in my shop and come out out with a little something that either makes the wife’s day easier or something that she has requested fixed I can get away with walking into the house covered in wood chips and sawdust.  A hour or so of labor is a fine trade for 8+ hours of shop-time were I am not penilized for not mopping the kitchen floor, washing dishes, or cleaning the toliet.

I am slowly being replaced.

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

I have mentioned previously that my relationship with my wife is a Polaroid of happy modern love, with a side order of belligerent puppy.  Her dog REALLY wants to be alpha-male in our house !  He wants prime the snuggling position when TV watching.  If I get up off the couch or chair, he is immediately in my spot.  Brodie tries his dead-level best to sleep between the wife and me – sneaking into the blocking position in the middle of the night.  I ofter wake up to jowles and puppy breath sharing the pillow with me.  If we have to leave him in the car for a minute while we run in somewhere, he waits for us in the driver’s seat.  My bathrobe is now his bathrobe, etc…

So night before last, I got up to pee and got caught up for like 30 minutes writing a work e-mail on my iPhone.  I came back to bed and I found that not only does Brodie share a love for firm pillows, my side of the bed, high thread-count cotton sheets, and cute girls, he apparently also has a deep affection for presidential biographies…

That dog has some sort of diabolical plan formulating between those big ears…  I feel that he is trying to slowly replace me – you know, like some morning he will dig a deep hole out back, help me into it, and trot back into the house to have his morning coffee, read the news, and get ready for a hard days work, all  without Stamps-With-Foot ever knowing the difference…

Biological Clocks and Mad Travel

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

In the last nine days, I have been in three States, have held three new babies, and have watched my wife’s baby-clock go from tick…tick….tick… to BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!  There were three pregnant bridesmaids at our wedding and one of the groomsmen had a very pregnant wife.  In Portland, we met Trystan: A handsome 3-week old little man that is the spitting image of his father.  In Orange County, CA I met Valiant:  a 5-week old heart breaker that looks like his Mommy.  In San Francisco I met Valentina for the first time – Stamps-With-Foot was there for the birth.  Valentina is 6 weeks old and also looks like her daddy.

All these little ones have, seemingly overnight, turned my sweet little “puppies-are-better-than-babies” wife into one of those crazy ladies who talks of nothing but nurseries, baby clothes, water births, talcum powder smells, and the merits of cloth vs. disposal…  All the diaper talk mania is taking its toll on me:  I had a dream a couple nights ago in which Stamp-With-Foot locked me in a room and made me perform till there were babies.  By the time I woke up (I should saw was jolted awake, sweating), there were like 20 of them at all different ages and sizes as well as 4 rabbits.  Some jars of my grandmother Talley’s plum jelly also made an appearance (WTF?!)…

The dishwasher that ate my March

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Stamps-With-Foot hates doing the dishes.  She has about as much appreciation for dirty plates as the Dali Llama does for Chairman Mao…  Since moving into our 1928 wonder, we (mostly she) has been hand washing the pots, pans, silverware and plates and letting them dry on our limited counter-top space.  When discussing kitchen options a dishwasher was her number one priority.  There was some huffing and foot tapping…   I did as commanded and cut out a cabinet beside the sink (GOD! It hurt to alter the original cabinetry!), planned for plumbing and wiring, worked out the floor build up, cut access holes, made trim pieces, marked off measurements, etc…

For insurance reasons, I brought in an electrician to run the new power line back to the panel and while he was there, I had him install three outlets above the counter (there were none), move the stove power line and add a receptacle for our future over the stove microwave.  That sounds fairly simple, but there was some drywall to remove, some 420 time, weird access issues, and a stove cord he drilled through…  It took him two visits over a three week period to complete the needed work.  The plumber (I don’t plumb, I suck at it and old galvanized pipes scare me!) was easier to get a hold of, a nice guy, knew his stuff, and completed his part – two valves and line installation – in just a single morning.  I do recommend the later type of contractor instead of the former!

So, after maybe 6 hours of my labor and $1200 (washer price + craftsmen), my wife now has a dishwasher and lots of outlets to plug crap into.  Now, I can get on with the rest of the kitchen remodel – 9 feet of new cabinet build and installation.  I won’t need any additional professional assistance, so hopefully the rest goes smoothly and quickly.

Trip to the vet

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

We had to take a trip to the vet early this morning.  I was reading the West Seattle Blog and there was a post about a couple of dogs dying of  something called leptospirosis.  As I read the article, I grew increasingly alarmed and upon seeing that we live two blocks from where the deceased dogs lived, I was on the phone to our vet immediatly.  Come to find out, Brodie had been given the first of two boosters for leptospirosis back in July, but we missed the second.  Crap…

Look, I really like that dog.  He may be the best dog I have ever had.  Even our friends who are cat people let him come to their house and chill.  I would be beside myself if something happened to him that I could have prevented.   Stamps-With-Foot is bordering on insanity when it comes to this dog.  She will tear up as we carpool from work, thinking about snuggling with him when she gets home.  She is SUPER puppy-narcissistic: takes every opportunity to show an album worth of pictures to perfect strangers (“…and this is him sleeping…”) and will go on at length about how sweet/smart/handsome/cuddly/soft/smart/amazing/laid-back/handsome/etc… he is.  If something happened to Brodie, she would be inconsolable.  Things would be ugly!  I already had to have the, “No, we can’t clone the dog!  Do you know how expensive that would be?!?!”discussion.

So, off to the vet we went.  The Wife made me call her after the visit to let her know that he was OK…  He got his first round and our dog walker (STOP judging me!  I swear we are not those people) is also aware of the outbreak and is watching him closely when he is out and about for his mid-day stroll.

Halloween – Past and Present

/ Matt Talley / 2 Comments

There are certain advantages to being married to a costume designer whose resume includes stage, TV, and film production…  It takes the Halloween costume planning and execution to a whole different level.  There are no half-ass Wal-Mart last-minute plastic ensembles allowed in the Talley house.  Oh no!  Outfits are tailored, accessories are found after hours of internet trolling, wigs are clipped and styled, and the fat suits are tubby perfection!  Stamps-With-Foot took a small little ember of Halloween love in me and made it into a choreographed 3-alarm house fire.  Below are some pictures of our costumes past and present.

Matt and Laurel’s AWESOME Holiday Newsletter 2010

/ Matt Talley / 3 Comments

We sent this note out with our Christmas cards this year:

Hello Friends and Family!!

It has been quite a year for us and as neither of us have the necessary literary skill or dextérité to write a full clear, concise, and truthful tale, we have decided to send out the truncated version in list form.  Those of you who received a very thorough list earlier this year detailing Matt’s adventures with building some garden boxes may recognize this style.

Happenings for 2010…

  • Matt has shoulder surgery and spends New Years Day hopped up on pain medication
  • Donald and Matt find venue for Matt & Laurel’s 2nd wedding
  • Large cedar tree is removed and we complete a back yard makeover
  • Matt catches world record Great White shark using a cane pole and stink bait
  • Fly to San Francisco for Emmy and Nick’s gorgeous January wedding
  • Brodie dominates a 100 lb. bulldog in playground skirmish.  DOMINATES
  • Our own wedding planning stress begins…
  • Try to adopt 2nd puppy – ends badly when she and Brodie do not become friends
  • Laurel and Matt plant their first garden together
  • Laurel becomes a salaried employee
  • Matt travels to Tobi and Brian’s wedding in Orange County, California – Laurel had to work (joys of becoming salaried employee…)
  • Laurel makes cousin Rosie Brezynski a dress for her 8th grade graduation dance
  • Unfortunately miss Matt and Lola’s wedding in Sedona, AZ on a lovely Monday
  • Drive to California for Grover and Stacy’s beautiful Mt. Shasta June wedding
  • Carlton comes to Seattle for his first visit
  • David and Maria show up for our 1st summer BBQ
  • Matt, Carlton, Donald Burton and David Brezynski cycle from Vancouver, BC back to Seattle
  • Carlton rides 154 miles in three days at nine-years old, even peddling backward up a few hills…
  • Matt real tired
  • Spend fourth of July on a houseboat at Bainbridge island, watching fireworks from the deck
  • Madison comes to Seattle for the second time – spends two weeks text messaging and facebooking
  • More wedding planning – original budget shot
  • Wedding stress almost makes Matt cry
  • Sarah and Laurel remake Laurel’s fairy princess wedding dress
  • Matt and Laurel miss Henrik and Britta’s wedding in Hamburg three weeks before our own, but get to be the first stop on their three week honeymoon in the US
  • Brodie sires 19 litters of puppies – he feels being “fixed” is just a state of mind
  • Matt’s mother Nelda flies to the West Coast for the first time
  • 93.743% of the people we love in this world fly in for our wedding
  • Matt loses shooting bet with Ross – the SHAME!!
  • Matt and Laurel have 2nd wedding – Laurel looks stunning in her dress and makes Matt cry
  • Nelda, Henrik, Britta, Herbert, Mark, Matthew, and Lola all share our one bathroom for the days leading up to and after the wedding
  • Brodie is the most photographed wedding participant
  • Matt Builds most over-complicated garden boxes in Seattle
  • Laurel gets promotion at work and Matt becomes a stay at home video game tester
  • Laurel helps costumer friend Sarah with a production of Alice in Wonderland: A Rock Musical
  • Try to adopt another puppy (same one as before) – Still hates Brodie and incredibly gassy
  • Travel to Eugene, OR for Thanksgiving weekend
  • Matt completes his circumnavigation of the earth on his 1895 Penny Farthing
  • Matt takes 10 months to complete a hutch refinish project in the living room
  • Matt goes to Paris and Hamburg in December for work – Laurel tries to stowaway in his luggage
  • Christmas Eve 2nd Annual Zombie Shooting Fest planned.
  • Christmas at home with Laurel’s mom Beckie
  • Laurel and Matt plan to climb Olympus Mons to greet the New Year for its caldera rim.

We look forward to another year of working on our home, welcoming guests from near and far, having the kids out to visit, puppy snuggling, garden planting and other adventures not yet known.  We love you very much and are blessed to have you as part of our lives.  All our love, Matt and Laurel

…A number of people didn’t get the jokes above and seemingly didn’t notice how the word “truthful” was in bold/italics in the header of the letter.  My mom told everyone about our New Years mountaineering trip and my fishing skills.  A friend asked if we were keeping any of Brodie’s puppies.  I had cousins who voiced their concern about fireworks so near a volcano…  A distant (and very old) relative of my wife’s actually asked if we were polygamists due to the second wedding…   He really and truly asked it in writing, in the Christmas card he sent us in reply!  Man, I can’t wait till I am old so I can have no filter and get away with it!!

I have a warped sense of humor and anything in the above list written in italics should be seen as a humorous untruth. For the record: we are not polygamists, we will not be traveling to Mars for New Years to visit Olympus Mons, Brodie fathered no puppies after the snip-snip, I do not test video games as a profession, the furtherest I have ever ridden the Penny Farthing is 15 miles, and the world record Great White was caught by Alfredo Cutajar off the coast of Malta on April 16, 1987. 🙂


What I have to put up with every night…

/ Matt Talley / 3 Comments

The following pictures are how every night of my life now goes.  Cute sleepy wife goes to bed and puppy follows her.  I follow mere seconds to an hour later and this is what I find:

Stamps-With-Foot sound asleep, Dog (Brodie) on my side and in my spot.  Wife snuggling dog.  I walk in and without fail this is the reaction I get:

Wife: ZZZZzzzzzzzz….ZZZZZzzzzz

Brodie: “What?! You got a problem monkey? I was here first, this is my spot!    Don’t even think about disturbing me, I’m comfy and set for the evening.  You should have got here first…”

I ignore him, walk around the bed to hop in and turn off the lamp and I am greeted with this face:

Brodie: “If you touch me I am going to EAT YOUR FACE OFF – I swear by all that is Holy (salmon kibble, the stuffed monkey, & chasing kitties) that I will FVCK YOU UP if you…  Hey!…  NO… Stop…  Damn it!!…  Fine, I will sleep on the other side of her, but tomorrow night I am going to attack balls if you try this sh!t again…”

With that pronouncement he then makes a couple of turns, flops down with a huff, snorts a couple of times, may pass some gas just because and then begins to snore like a fat old guy with sleep apnea and a deviated septum.  Modern love with a dose of belligerent puppy.