Each year after Thanksgiving, we take an afternoon, go to our local tree-seller and pick out a fine Noble Fir for our Christmas tree. I then pull out our integrated reservoir tree stand, a carpenter’s level, and set the whole assemblage on top of our large, round, lipped Christmas tree spill pan – I have very vivid nightmares about water stains on my wood floor…
Like most households that celebrate Santa/Christmas/Yule/Midwinter/etc…: The tree goes up, the ornaments come out, stockings are hung, etc. The only twist in our home is that in all reality, I am relegated to unpacking the 4 boxes of our handmade glass, pewter, and pine German ornaments and my participation in hanging them on the tree is verboten due to Stamps-With-Foot’s Tannenbaum OCD. Here is how it goes:
Tree in stand.
Wife surveys the straightness.
Tree adjusted.
Christmas music marathon begins
Dog trots in and notices tree.
Gets pissed off, turns his back to us and the tree and stares at the wall.
Slinks away after 30 minutes – Brodie HATES Christmas.
Tree adjusted again.
Tree must be turned to see which side is the best.
Decision made.
Lights put on.
Tree turned again.
Light strands removed.
Lights put back on in almost exactly the same place.
Light cords hidden.
Ornaments come out.
Lights on.
I have to turn the tree again.
Re-adjust.
Move some of the lights around.
Possible trimming of branches will happen at this point.
Hand wife ornaments – glass balls first.
Wife will walk back and forth and back and forth searching for perfect branch.
Previous step repeats about 150 times.
I am banned from giving her camping or climbing themed ornaments to place.
I sneak one onto the tree in the midst of her frenzy.
I go away and hang lights outside or hide from her Yuletide decorating wrath.
Find dog brooding over the nasty tree in HIS house and plotting to bite this Kris Kringle guy.
Toward the end of the evening, I am called back and I am allowed to hang 2-4 ornaments in a place I see fit.
Wife then moves them at least twice.
Tree trimming done 2-4 hours later.
I go to bed and twitch in my sleep to the beat of Nat King Cole, Elvis, Perry Como, and Sinatra as holiday music plays into the night…
Dog watches me sleep with hate in his heart because I was the one who carried the tree in.
Wake up sometime later and tree has been moved and completely rearranged.
Camping/Climbing ornament that I surreptitiously placed has been found, removed and place conspicuously on the table.
I look sheepish and she gives me the stink-eye over my transgression.
Presents are arranged by wife in a “certain order.”
Christmas music back on – maybe it never went off…
Brodie is put into his Santa outfit.
He somehow looks sad and furious at the same time.
There will be consequences for the red elf jacket that was forced upon him!
Am not allowed to touch area near tree until pictures are made.
Wife giggly happy.
Presents and ornaments rearranged at least once every three days until Christmas morning.
To save myself some work and time, I told her this year that I “could build” a lockable turning base so that she could move the tree over and over during initial setup and for decorating. You should of seen her face light up. The mere thought of it led to her running over and jumping on me saying “YES, YES, PLEASE, PLEASE!” I do love her.
