Throwback Thursday: Mark Flood – The TOUGHEST man you will ever know

So, I have this buddy who is by nature and temperament a hard-man. Sweetest guy in the world, super humble, would give you his last dollar in the pocket, the shirt off his back – salt of the earth sort of a guy. Seriously. This same friend is also physically and mentally toughest person I have ever personally met. I have only seen him mad twice and thankfully neither time was at me. I was very happy about that. Flood is one of those Old Testament, walked forty years in the desert and killed and army with a mule jaw bone sort of guy. Really, really.

All my climbing buddies and I TRY to get together once a year and spend a week in the mountains. One year (maybe 2009), Mark couldn’t come and it was the most relaxed trip ever – soft beds, video games and *GASP* a rest day! We all talked about how Flood would have hated the wasted time when he could have been wedged into some shitty, moss filled crevice, 40 feet above a manky piece of protection, giggling with glee. At the time, “Chuck Norris” jokes were just getting popular and while sitting at a bar one evening we started telling Mark Flood true-isms. At one point these two girls who had over heard us, came over and asked with willful intent if Mark was at the bar or in town. Dr. G looks them up and down and slyly says, “Nah baby, your would KNOW if HE were here…” They got all giddy. True story.

Anyway, the list below is some of what came out of that evening and 10 or so follow-up e-mails after the trip.

Mark Flood uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
As a child Mark Flood ate transformer toys in vehicle mode and shat them out transformed into a robot.
Mark Flood’s penis is so big that it has a penis of its own and it is still bigger than yours.
… doesn’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own with farm-fresh eggs and dehydrated onions.
… can get Blackjack with just one card.
… once screwed up his knee, purely for the sake of winning the Special Olympics.
… can sneeze with his eyes open
… once fucked a sheep ‘till it was a sweater
… once took a lead-fall so big that his clothes burned off on re-entry
… uses a rattlesnake as a condom
Mark Flood’s penis is so TALL it has never been mounted without the use of oxygen.
… eats live Billy-goats as a light mountain snack.
… started a pirate mutiny in the south china sea.
… is hung like a woolly mammoth.
… keeps live cobras in his sock drawer.
… once snorted cocaine off Jenna bush’s titties in the oval office and made W watch.
… has a +92 Ape index.
… secretes Serin gas from his rectum.
…once used a spork as an ice axe and tire chains as crampons.
… whittled his own skis.
… can write in beautiful Victorian script cursive ambidextrously with his feet.
… once killed and gutted a grizzly bear with toenail clippers to have a warm place to sleep
… carries a pack so heavy he can rightfully call Atlas himself a pussy.
… always has sex on the first date. Always.
… is capable of lactation.
… once took a bubble bath with Rosie O’Donnell and made her straight.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse actually live in Mark Flood’s nutsack
Mark Flood makes his women wear gaiters and crampons to bed.
… can eat a hammer and poop nails.
Mark flood can climb any 14er using only echo location
Mark flood can play “the devil went down to Georgia” better than Charlie Daniels AND the Devil using a violins
strung with his pubic hair.
Mark flood pulled so hard on Castle Rock in Eldorado Canyon that the climb is now 12.3 feet shorter.
… makes MacGyver look like Steve Erkel.
… does not procreate – he breeds…
…  raped Blackbeard for using Argh! in an incorrect grammatical supposition.
… once climbed to heaven and he did it all in one linked pitch.
Mark Flood once stated “The double rope system is for newbie’s. I only climb using a sextuple rope system!”
… can piss directly into gale force winds and not get a drop on himself.
Mark Flood has to live in the Midwest because his gravitational field screws up the tides.
… felt that the ‘Jolly Mark” was egotistical, so he let some fruity guy named Roger take the credit.
… is no longer allowed to climb at Indian Creek because his hand jams have widened all the cracks.
… simply decided to start producing spider silk from his anus so he no longer had to use ropes.
… only dates climbers because only they have the necessary grip strength to give him a hand-job.
… is not afraid to climb any route but all climbing routes are afraid that Mark will climb them.
… once gave a new meaning to peak enchainment when he added Mt Elbrus, Long’s and Pikes to his key chain.
… feet are sooo big he doesn’t need snowshoes.
Mark Floods’ dick is so big that the AAC listed an all female ascent the latest American Alpine Journal
… can literally talk to snakes
… is so energetic that routes get tired of HIM.
… climbed every peak west of the Mississippi in two days with only a Mars Bar, the September 1980 issue of Playboy, an ice axe, 1 box of Pop-Tarts, and a can of tuna.
… masturbates to pictures of used climbing gear and Alpenglow.

Outdoors this summer with my son

A summertime fixture for my son’s summer visits has always been some time outside. We have canoed, hiked, ridden bikes across international borders, camped, road-tripped, National/State Park hopped, etc… This year was no different except we did those things in France.

We canoed along the Canal du Garone in my 2014 Father’s Day present – a Big green 3-person canoe. The Ruminator learned about the magic of portaging and that stinging nettles should not exist on this earth. We hiked into the Ariège Pyrenees, climbing 5900+ feet in 4.5 hours. That night we slept in an high alpine Refuge (his first), ate great food, and saw the most amazing mountain waterfalls, wildflowers, streams, and lakes. There were high green fields dotted with cows, sheep and goats before we walked above the tree-line and blue ice floating in the deep alpine lake at the base of the Refuge. It is a memory that I will carry with me for the rest of my days!

There was bike riding, lawn mowing (had to throw that in!!), soccer, long walks and one attempted swim session. He got turned away because he showed up with swim trunks to the pool and here in France you have to wear Speedos – no really, I swear. We also visited one of the prehistoric parks in the area (there are three?!) and got to throw spears at targets as part of one of the interactive displays. There were deer and bison 3D archery targets out in the field along with paper animal targets and we only learned that the 3D ones were just to look at and not to aim at. This information only came after one of my spears sailed over the bison’s neck, clearing it by 2 inches from 50 yards away. I got a stern warning…

Being outside with my kids is one of my true pleasures in this life (My daughter HATES backpacking and sleeping on the ground and is more of an RV girl). I look forward to many more years of it and the inclusion of more children and grand children.

Canoe 2014 (1)

Canoe 2014 (2)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (1)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (2)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (4)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (5)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (9)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (10)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (11)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (12)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (16)

Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (17)

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Rock Climbing with the Lads

This May saw the 2012 Orthopedic Big-Belly Hillbilly Climbing & Beer Drinking Association Cragfest. It was held at Smith Rock, OR and in Mt. Shasta City, CA. This was the 9th sort of-annual gathering in the last 13 years for our little band of over-educated, misshaped, crippled, wannabe climbers, profound thinkers and powerful drinkers. We spent a long week climbing, eating & drinking hopped beverages (I gained 6lbs!!), there were murderous 6-8 mile hikes up to crags, some nudity, 5 snake sightings (one reptile death), no broken bones, some quality routes climbed, limited blood loss, heavy rocks snuck into packs, laughter, video games, gas, Squid Billies, more laughter, and quality time spent catching up on each others’ lives…. A fine week off with buddies and away from the J-O-B.

This year’s cast of characters included:

Taint: A native son of Southern California. Strong climber, but easily confused by tri-cams and large hexes. A world traveler and new father who needs 11 hours of sleep a night to function and has absolutely no short term memory – none. An easy target for pranks and very poor at retaliation. Had to cancel his participation on an OBBHC&BDA trip two years ago because he had 2nd degree burns on the soles of his feet after helping with/leading a fire walking “class.”

Dr. Strippy-Socks: A writing, climbing, painting, fiddlin’, designing, and docterin’ polymath who was gracious enough to open his mountain home up to our little band of miscreants. A man who has an amazingly talented and giving spouse that allows him out of the house in polyester shirts, a visor, short-shorts, tall socks and sandals. This in an individual who in the course of a conversation will quote bolt torque specs, reference an obscure Ska band, outline the ideology of specific band of Orcs, and review the symptoms for early onset CHF in middle aged men.

The Bridesmaid Whisper: A bright, smart, medical resident with a dry sense of humor that borders the Sahara. The strongest climber of the trip, a man who developed the definitive definition of a #2 Pencil and made me tinkle myself a little while laughing hysterically in my sleeping bag. He is a man that can walk into a wedding reception and in short order has to wade through a throng of drunken bridesmaids who need his body like the Pope needs Jesus.

Smooth&Boney: Is a man who can sit on the couch for years, then walk outside and send a 5.12 sport route. Any mention of Jessica Alba will send him into smiling, wild-eyed fits of joy, followed by some alone time. Poor at hiking with a pack and once cried when his belayer tooted on him a little, has gear that predates Columbus, his favorite outdoor technical fabric is jean denim, and is the father to three adorable girls – the middle one loves me more than her uncle Rosy! When not climbing or wading through the estrogen that fills his life, he is a Designer/Engineer/Manager for the snazziest tool corporations in the world, but has yet to pass any cool shinny metal stuff on to his friends.

The Lawn Enforcement Officer: Father to two pale yet happy children and husband to a wife he doesn’t deserve: a mix of Betty Crocker/Belladonna/Ellen Page. I am the short, fat, balding, yard-obsessed, hairy, practical joking chronicler of this tale who now lives in Seattle in a 1928 house that is forever under reconstruction. The winner of The Deep Belly Button Award this year – A prize given to the fattest climber in the group for a given year.

Not-A-Biker: A great climber, brother to Smooth&Boney, and a generous friend who looks more like his father with the passing of each day. A man about to embark on an odyssey that will take him and his sweet southern, gvn-toting bride into the wilds of Philadelphia for a 3 to 29 year medical residency. He is someone who will freely give prostate exams to his friends (perfect strangers too…), has a questionable web search history, and who should never be allowed to even sit on a motorcycle. Was pantsed (sic) this year in full view of the entire group.

Missing this year was THE Mark Flood. Mark is the only man that Chuck Norris masturbates to. He is the strongest climber and hiker that any of us know, a gifted engineer, a good natured friend and drinking companion, and one of the toughest people you will ever meet. I have seen him drink from green stagnate pools one the sides of cliffs without any intestinal backlash and there have been things that have gone into his belly that would make a billie goat puke.

He has become a whispered legend in some circles after snatching falling climbers out of the air – mid fall – and saving them from a quick brutal death – truth. To punctuate the description/picture of Mr. Flood: He couldn’t join us this year because while hiking out of what was surely an epic day of climbing, he fell on the steep trail and a piece of iron rebar was shoved into his knee joint!! He tied a hankie around it and finished the walk out… His presence was duly missed this year and we all pray that he will be there for the next gathering to keep us all honest and safe.

No-Go for the Iran Climbing Trip

I got a form letter last week from the AAC letting me know that I was not one of the 10 members chosen for the Climbing Exchange Program with the Iranian Alpine Club  (See previous post Sight-seeing and mountaineering in Iran – maybe ) I was REALLY butt-hurt about the selection process, but if it were meant to be then I would have been included.  I can only wish the best for those members going, hope they have in incredible time, touch new stone, see places and things that are new to western eyes, leave their hosts smiling, pray that they all return home safely, and are better people for having made the trip.

Santa Claus-like body fat percentage

As far as my overall fitness lever:  I have never worked this hard to look this bad!  I REALLY miss being 19.  The days of drinking lots of beer, eating crap, still looking decent, and performing at an elite level are GONE.  I am officially almost old and I have outrageous cookie-handles/spare tire, my arms have shrunk, and my body fat percentage is bordering on Santa Claus level.  The months of inactivity after the most recent surgery and gorging myself on coffee (triple Grande one pump mocha with whip…), 1-liter wheat beers, donuts, more beer, cookies, and brownies did little to prepare me for the coming summer.  I have been doing yoga at home weekly, but want to find a local class/studio to visit for a weekly or bi-weekly session.  Yoga really adds to my climbing and as I have decided to focus on my core (keeps me from stressing robo-shoulder) and my agility, it compliments the abundant AB work – which is not going well since I am starting from scratch again.  All the work last summer and fall was for naught. I am slowly working back into my pre-cartwheel down the stairs groove.

The Bionic Shoulder is doing SO much better.  I still need the second surgery, but it can wait – no serious rush – and I can do 15 push-ups without it hurting.  I have been real careful not to stress it as I am going to need it in as good a shape as possible if I snag a slot on the Alpine Club of Iran Climber Exchange trip that I am hoping to be selected for.  I am climbing all right, but I have been hesitant to frequent the rock gym or bounder on plastic holds.  I have found that it is REALLY easy to over train and tear something on plastic.

I have logged about 90 running miles in the last 6 weeks, Nike+ has helped with that, but I have been neglecting my two-wheeled mistresses.  I may have ridden 120 miles in the last 7 weeks…  It is my new commute and the spring rainy season.  The ride home has a shitty hill at the end of the 15mile ride and I have to fight traffic some so that puts me off, but more than that, the sun has been shy of late.  I am by no means a fair weather cyclist, it is just that rain + traffic + cold + hill = me screwing off instead of riding.  I have already paid the entrance fee for the annual Seattle to Portland ride, so I have to cowboy-up and get a bunch more training and commute mile behind me.  Speaking of rides: I am also signed up for a Duathalon in June, a couple of 10k road races and a half Marathon this summer, all in an attempt to keep myself on target for the STP ride, the possibility of climbing in Iran and to keep my cookie handles in check.

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Sight-seeing and mountaineering in Iran – maybe

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I have applied to be a part of a delegation of climbers that will visit Iran this fall.  Yes, yes, I understand the current geo-political crisis swirling around that country right now.  I have seen the protest videos, heard the speeches from all sides, but I view this trip as an opportunity to see places and people that very few of my climbing peers have laid eyes on since 1979 and not as part of any sort of comment or political statement.  This will be a chance to connect with other climbers on a personal level and show that regardless of where one might be from, ALL climbers and mountaineers are part of a single tribe.

One of the planned ascents is Mt. Damavand, on the south edge of the largest inland body of water on earth.  The peak is both the tallest mountain in Iran and the highest Volcano in all of Asia.  I would like to be a part of that for so many reasons, both altruistic and selfish in nature.  I want to see the vast rolling poppy fields to the south and the Caspian Sea to the north from the summit of Damavand.  I wish to feel new stone in my hands and I hope to sleep under new stars.  I won’t know any details about making even the first cut for a month or so, but I have stepped up my training anyway.  Wish me luck.

Evolution of the American Alpine Club

Last week there was an American Alpine Club(AAC) survey e-mailed out asking members their opinions about the current state of the organization and how they would like to see the club evolve.  Being a member since 2004, I dutifully filled it out and sent it in, but it got me thinking about how I would really like to see the organization evolve. What are your thoughts? How would those of you who are members or past members do things differently if you were put in charge? My initial thoughts are below:

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Rescue Insurance: I would like to see a much better insurance offering. It seems like the Club could take its member rolls and negotiate a similar deal with a national/international carrier as The Alpine Club (UK) has. I would gladly increase my dues if it meant that I wouldn’t have to worry about the uninsured cost of toting my carcass off a mountain and its affect on family finances (I get to keep living in that scenario).

American Alpine Journal: I would like to see quality writing and editing to kick it up a notch or three and include: fantastic trip reports, relevant historical climbing/mountaineering articles and bios of great climbers. In addition to the lower writing standards, I have also noticed the last few years that the binding has gotten cheaper and cheaper. My 2008 and 2007 editions both have cracked bindings after just one read through and ’08 let go of some pages as I was reading. I would pay more for quality and it would warm the cockles of my dark soul it a hard cover edition was offered.

Accidents in North Am. Mountaineering: Is a sad, sad little pamphlet. I 100% agree with its mission, but the execution of that goal is wanting. How many people took falls in Eldo or in J-Tree that were not documented last year? Seven accidents that required a hospital trip that I know of and I live in Seattle! Yes, I understand that they can’t go asking hospitals because of patient confidentiality, but how hard would it be to have an e-mail address for accident reporting and for a staffer to do a little follow up? What about pinging the climbing community on SummitPost, mountainproject, and super topo? If you are going to go through the trouble and expense (my dues!) to produce something, then make it the best possible book you can.

Local events: The AAC does a poor job of hosting local events and getting climbers in the same region together. Find a hall (or better rent a Pub’s back room) in Golden/Co Springs/New Paltz/Vegas/J-Tree/Bay Area/Seattle/Portland/Salt Lake City/Orange County/etc… give a talk by a local than a national or international climber, put up some posters, sell back copies of the AAJ, raffle something off for a climbing charity (Himalayan Trust, Central Asia Institute, et al…) have snacks, advertize well and charge at the door to cover costs. Again, the idea is to get local climbers together.  While $200 a plate dinners can be nice, I prefer to attend one only if I can deduct the evening as a charitable donation OR if it happens to be in Paris or Venice and my wife is there sipping wine in a flowing dress.  I only personally know two climbers that could afford such an event, well that and the airfare+ hotel to attend.  The others could stretch those funds into a 6-week long trip food budget.  Local events, for local climbers, less than $25 to get in.

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Outside Mag is slipping

I read about ‘Jack’s Big Adventure’ in the January 2006 issue of Outside. Apparently, Young Master Osbourne has decided to quit smoking tons of herb, roll off the couch, and got healthier (?). As part of this six month plan he decided to climb El Capitan in Yosemite. This is also part of a reality TV show called, Jack Osbourne – Adrenaline Junkie. The author of the article said something about him eating 5.10s for breakfast. It struck me as an advertisement for his TV show stuck in the middle of a magazine article. One would think that a magazine that has contributors like Rick Ridgeway, Paul Theroux, Ian Frazier, Mark Jenkins, Tim Cahill, E. Annie Proulx, Edward Abbey, and Jon Krakauer would appall such tactics. I was more than a little disappointed. For something like 27 years Outside Magazine has seemed to be committed to good writing and publishing feature articles from the above mentioned authors on a variety of outdoor, travel and adventure topics. The magazine has won 3 consecutive National Magazine Awards for General Excellence and has been nominated for the award sixteen times, so what in the HELL is an advert for Jack’s new TV show doing in the middle of it and labled as as artical?!?!

I would like to see Jack on the sharp end of a rope on ANY 5.10 in the Valley or in Joshua Tree (or any 5.8 in the ‘Gunks…). Yes, it is great that he lost some weight and his whining quotient has dropped considerably – but, being hauled up a route – no matter how classic – isn’t really climbing.