Tag: Plausible deniability

F-ing Auto-complete!!!

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

The auto-complete function on my iPhone is making me crazy.  I keep sending inappropriate e-mails to friends, the dog walker and now a big-wig at my company…  My greatest hits include:

Boiling customer issue:
What I meant to say:  This is going to get ugly, I feel it in my bones
Auto-complete:  This is going to get ugly, I feel it in my boner

Discussing an author with friend:

What I meant to say:  I bought a couple of her books on Amazon, It was just too good a deal to pass up.
Auto-complete: I bought a couple of her boobs on Amazon, It was just too good a deal to pass up.

My ex asking me what my son can buy me for Christmas:
What I meant to say:  Hmmm…  Smart wool socks?
Auto-complete:  Hmmm…  Smart wool dicks?
The latest incident was sent to a director concerning a document package:
What I meant to say:  I put it in your office.
Auto-complete:   I put tit in young office.
His Reply:  Thanks buddy!
My reply: Not an issue.  Oh damn…

Since this “feature” is making me seem even more inappropriate than usual, I hopped onto in inter-webs to figure out how to turn it off.  I ran smack into a site listing MANY more examples of auto-evilness.  Thought I would share.

~Matt



Our Dirty Little Secret…

/ Matt Talley / 2 Comments

The wife and I strive to have as little impact as possible on the world around us.  My green lawn is chemical free, our firewood is shop-scrap and blown-down timber, our garden is organic, we conserve water and electricity, I compost our kitchen and yard waste, we are looking at honey and egg production this year, we recycle or reuse over 92% of our waste (real number – I calculated it out over a three month period by volume), I build furniture and cabinets from recycled and thrown away wood, and we either carpool or I ride to work most days.

However, we have a dirty little secret that needles at my green-bent little soul at least a couple of times a day – the massive 1942 oil-fired heater in our basement.  We burn diesel to warm our home.  Worse, we burn it in an antiquated heater that our service person said was “…about 30% efficient…”   I feel like I and wearing a scarlet H (hypocrite) on my chest.  We HAVE to do something about it!

I had considered switching to biodiesel, but so much oil is used in the production of bio-crops (tractor feul and fertilizer) that there is actually more oil used to produce most available biodiesel than regular fuel.  I do not have the time, room, and am not zoned properly to produce my own biodiesel from used fryer oil.  We have instead decided to replace our war and famine-fueled antique oil guzzler with a modern heat pump.  I wanted a closed-loop geothermal system and we have the ground space for it, but the $25K price tag put it out of reach.  We have instead opted for an above ground model that will have an electric booster for when the outside ambient temperature falls below 30 degrees Fahrenheit.  It will increase our winter electric bill some, which now sits at ~$40 a month, but it will give us air-conditioning for the one week a year that we need it and the projected price increase (~$20 a month) will be offset by the $2K+ savings on oil every winter.  The system has a 20 year warrantee and will pay for its self in fuel savings in three years J  I wanted it installed last fall, but it looks like it will go in this summer.

Additionally, I am installing a fireplace insert upstairs and am building an electric “fireplace” for the basement family room to help out when the temperature drops.  We have only lost power once in the year and a half that we have been in our home, but just in case I am having an auxiliary generator adaptor wired to our main panel during the kitchen remodel so that our heat pump, fridge, freezer, stove, water heater and a few lights will be available if a storm or wind knocks our power out.

Matt and Laurel’s AWESOME Holiday Newsletter 2010

/ Matt Talley / 3 Comments

We sent this note out with our Christmas cards this year:

Hello Friends and Family!!

It has been quite a year for us and as neither of us have the necessary literary skill or dextérité to write a full clear, concise, and truthful tale, we have decided to send out the truncated version in list form.  Those of you who received a very thorough list earlier this year detailing Matt’s adventures with building some garden boxes may recognize this style.

Happenings for 2010…

  • Matt has shoulder surgery and spends New Years Day hopped up on pain medication
  • Donald and Matt find venue for Matt & Laurel’s 2nd wedding
  • Large cedar tree is removed and we complete a back yard makeover
  • Matt catches world record Great White shark using a cane pole and stink bait
  • Fly to San Francisco for Emmy and Nick’s gorgeous January wedding
  • Brodie dominates a 100 lb. bulldog in playground skirmish.  DOMINATES
  • Our own wedding planning stress begins…
  • Try to adopt 2nd puppy – ends badly when she and Brodie do not become friends
  • Laurel and Matt plant their first garden together
  • Laurel becomes a salaried employee
  • Matt travels to Tobi and Brian’s wedding in Orange County, California – Laurel had to work (joys of becoming salaried employee…)
  • Laurel makes cousin Rosie Brezynski a dress for her 8th grade graduation dance
  • Unfortunately miss Matt and Lola’s wedding in Sedona, AZ on a lovely Monday
  • Drive to California for Grover and Stacy’s beautiful Mt. Shasta June wedding
  • Carlton comes to Seattle for his first visit
  • David and Maria show up for our 1st summer BBQ
  • Matt, Carlton, Donald Burton and David Brezynski cycle from Vancouver, BC back to Seattle
  • Carlton rides 154 miles in three days at nine-years old, even peddling backward up a few hills…
  • Matt real tired
  • Spend fourth of July on a houseboat at Bainbridge island, watching fireworks from the deck
  • Madison comes to Seattle for the second time – spends two weeks text messaging and facebooking
  • More wedding planning – original budget shot
  • Wedding stress almost makes Matt cry
  • Sarah and Laurel remake Laurel’s fairy princess wedding dress
  • Matt and Laurel miss Henrik and Britta’s wedding in Hamburg three weeks before our own, but get to be the first stop on their three week honeymoon in the US
  • Brodie sires 19 litters of puppies – he feels being “fixed” is just a state of mind
  • Matt’s mother Nelda flies to the West Coast for the first time
  • 93.743% of the people we love in this world fly in for our wedding
  • Matt loses shooting bet with Ross – the SHAME!!
  • Matt and Laurel have 2nd wedding – Laurel looks stunning in her dress and makes Matt cry
  • Nelda, Henrik, Britta, Herbert, Mark, Matthew, and Lola all share our one bathroom for the days leading up to and after the wedding
  • Brodie is the most photographed wedding participant
  • Matt Builds most over-complicated garden boxes in Seattle
  • Laurel gets promotion at work and Matt becomes a stay at home video game tester
  • Laurel helps costumer friend Sarah with a production of Alice in Wonderland: A Rock Musical
  • Try to adopt another puppy (same one as before) – Still hates Brodie and incredibly gassy
  • Travel to Eugene, OR for Thanksgiving weekend
  • Matt completes his circumnavigation of the earth on his 1895 Penny Farthing
  • Matt takes 10 months to complete a hutch refinish project in the living room
  • Matt goes to Paris and Hamburg in December for work – Laurel tries to stowaway in his luggage
  • Christmas Eve 2nd Annual Zombie Shooting Fest planned.
  • Christmas at home with Laurel’s mom Beckie
  • Laurel and Matt plan to climb Olympus Mons to greet the New Year for its caldera rim.

We look forward to another year of working on our home, welcoming guests from near and far, having the kids out to visit, puppy snuggling, garden planting and other adventures not yet known.  We love you very much and are blessed to have you as part of our lives.  All our love, Matt and Laurel

…A number of people didn’t get the jokes above and seemingly didn’t notice how the word “truthful” was in bold/italics in the header of the letter.  My mom told everyone about our New Years mountaineering trip and my fishing skills.  A friend asked if we were keeping any of Brodie’s puppies.  I had cousins who voiced their concern about fireworks so near a volcano…  A distant (and very old) relative of my wife’s actually asked if we were polygamists due to the second wedding…   He really and truly asked it in writing, in the Christmas card he sent us in reply!  Man, I can’t wait till I am old so I can have no filter and get away with it!!

I have a warped sense of humor and anything in the above list written in italics should be seen as a humorous untruth. For the record: we are not polygamists, we will not be traveling to Mars for New Years to visit Olympus Mons, Brodie fathered no puppies after the snip-snip, I do not test video games as a profession, the furtherest I have ever ridden the Penny Farthing is 15 miles, and the world record Great White was caught by Alfredo Cutajar off the coast of Malta on April 16, 1987. 🙂


Death threats for a tree

/ Matt Talley / 3 Comments

I am having a personal crisis of conscience:  I love trees, I really do, but I want evil things to happen to one particular example of flora in the neighbor’s yard.  Less than a year ago I spent an entire morning precariously balanced on a 1950’s vintage wooden step-ladder, pulling pine needles out of the gutters of our new home, saying dirty words the whole time.  With that experience fresh in my mind, I had some limbs trimmed a few months later that were on my side of the fence and hanging over our roof so that I wouldn’t have to worry about the downspouts clogging.  The best laid plans of mice and men…   Just because I have a smidgen of OCD, I did my yearly gutter/shingle inspection and upon popping my head up above the edge of the roof, I almost had an aneurism!  Every gutter on the south end on the house (under the neighbor’s tree) was filled to overflowing with fvcking pine needles.  Son of a….  I spent four hours raking my yard/pulling debris from the gutters and plotting the murder of a pine tree.   Driving my hate was the realization that I have spent a week of Sundays and $1000+ engaged in a losing battle with this conifer.  Are there hit men for trees?  Would they make its demise look like an accident?  How would a tree “slip in the tub” or “leave the gas on?”

It is really not the tree’s fault.  I am the interloper.  I am the higher ape with a Machiavellian need for order in my yard.  The tree is just being.  I realize these things on a intellectual level, but all that flies out the window the second I see a heap brown needles in my soft, green perfect grass, I start day dreaming of copper nails and the sweet lullaby of chainsaws.

My Thanksgiving Holiday:

/ Matt Talley / 2 Comments
7.5 hour drive with sleepy sick wife and gassy puppy
Serious traffic on I-5
I hate Rubber-Neckers
Arrive in Eugene, OR after 10:00pm
Build fire & sit in hot tub.  Last relaxing moments of the trip.
Confusion about sleeping arrangements
First night in comfy bed.
Wake early and had yummy coffee
Wife is extra yucky sick
Wife ingests cold meds, feels better
Short climb of Mount Pisgah
Roped into smoking/roasting turkey
Wanted to start drinking
Had to move rooms.
Issued foam mat to sleep on.
Smoked turkey for 2 hours and fended off Father-in-laws constant “help”
No lunch
Put turkey in oven to finish
Started drinking beer
Brother-in-law MIA
Brother-in-law usually has holiday coping chemicals
Missed Brother-in-law
Called and texted holiday greeting to friends and family
Father-in-law (a chef by trade) scary when cooking
Sharp stuff in kitchen – I retreated to the living room
Where the HELL is Brother-in-law!?!?
Drank another beer
Turkey took too long in oven
Father-in-law stressed
Turkey finally done – 1 hour late
Rest of family arrives
Really missed Brother-in-law’s chemistry set.
Brother-in-law shows up with just stuffing…
Matt sad
Everyone eats
Food was amazing!
Lone PWT family member ravages all the desert pies before anyone else
Drank another beer
Had seconds – turkey and mashed potatoes were yummy
5 mushroom gravy was incredible!!
Ate 4 pieces of pie
Felt pregnant
Had one more wheaty hopped beverage.
Passed out and into food coma
Woke up to screaming running children with back in knots
Had coffee
Regained humanity
Went for 3 mile run
Shopping at the crazy hippie holiday market (not the official name, but it should be)
More coffee
Found some humorous Christmas gifts
Made some clandestine purchases for Stamps-With-Foot
Met mother-in-law at the crazy hippie holiday market
Eye started twitching as the conversation/visit began
Wanted a harsh opiate to calm my nerves
Informed Mother-in-Law that her dog is banned from my house
Maybe she heard, maybe not…
Want to put out a mafia hit on her little dog that marks in the house
Went to a couple of local Eugene stores with just Stamps-with-Foot
Got some great new earrings (2ga. Clear silicone tunnels)
Returned to Fathe-in-laws
House empty.
Stamps-With-Foot and I took a hottub
Off to dinner with mother-in-law – where are those fvcking drugs!?
Drank LARGE beer
Went to see Hairy Potter Movie (I guess now I am officially out of the cupboard…)
Had to pee 3 times during movie 🙁
Sleep
Up early
Coffee
Humanity
Had a precious hour to myself
Hottub
Read the paper
Enjoyed the quiet!!
More coffee
Took a look at “classic” 1960 Plymouth Valiant we were given for free
Determined it was a money pit
Will decide what to do with it later
More holiday shopping
Got last of my Mother’s Christmas taken care of
Third BIG coffee
Laurel had a nap
Relaxed dinner with Father-in-law and his girlfriend
Really like both of them!
Each told neighbor horror stories around the fireplace with medium amounts of beer consumed
Realized I am the “You Kids get off my lawn!” crotchety neighbor – am OK with that
Missed my lawn a little
Sleep
Up at nine and gone by 11:15am
Home by 6:15PM
Wanted to kiss my threshold
Never want to leave home again
Still want to help Mother-in-law’s dog go to the “farm”

Crap I gave up to be an adult:

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

Afternoon naps
eating just the frosting
sword fights with sticks
Nu-Grape Soda & Kool-Aid
being Chuck Norris
wearing Super Man Underoos
sneaking out
believing in Santa Claus & The Easter Bunny
skateboarding
#2 pencils
closing eyes when brushing teeth & washing hair
building Lincoln Logs, Legos, and erector sets insomnia before the first day of school
action figures
Penmanship
sneaking a peek at a copy of Playboy
wearing a backpack with both straps over shoulders
Trapper Keepers
just kissing a girl
not wearing sunglasses
jaw-breakers
playing Army
afternoon back-lot baseball
ugly church shoes
curfews
the violin
being a stuntman when I grow up
cheap beer
believing everything parents said was true
indifference to coffee
poor craftsmanship
casual friendships
smoking pot
wearing a cheap watch
fleeting crushes
unplanned nakedness
my own invincibility
a 1971 GMC Truck
having people notice when I did something cool or right
thinking I was a genius
counting irony as an emotion
having a really fun  job
delusions of being a professional climber & cyclist
dismissing the wisdom of teachers
English being the only language I’d ever need
having nothing to lose
indifference to insurance coverage
idle weekends
nonchalance about money
an uninterrupted night’s sleep
riding motorcycles
drinking a 12-pack of beer
ignoring news and politics
clothes with the names of pro sports teams on them
crappy fiction
20/20 vision
eating over half the pizza by myself
peace in the Middle East
linear thought as a rule
Not knowing what the IRS stood for
a full head of hair
watching the Three Stooges after cartoons on Saturday morning
reliving that which I supposedly left behind
plausible deniability

Wedding Stress

/ Matt Talley

Why in the Hell would anyone choose to get married?! Not the commitment/loving one person forever part, the actual wedding part. The logistics of the thing are as complicated as planning an invasion of a small island country. Stressful is not the word for what this “little party for our family and friends” has become. Budget – long gone.   Nerves – frayed.

My lovely wife and I have been married for almost four years and are just now getting around to having the reception. We booked the event hall just after New Years and have spent the last 7 months planning, deciding, rethinking, deciding again, spending, organizing, finding a caterer, picking a menu, herding cats, applying for permits, cake tasting, choosing the proper glasses, wedding dress alterations, finding flowers, writing checks, wine tasting, finding a new caterer, buying kegs of beer, tracking down a violinist, making invitations, finding 7 matching ties in one place, forking over the credit card, DJ – band – or iPod?, finding rooms for out of town guests, writing vows, buying gifts, soothing ruffled feathers, renting suits, keeping feuding family in their respective corners, dealing with lost bridesmaid dresses, etc, etc, etc… It never fvcking ends.

I am at the point where I want to run screaming from our cute little house – abandoning my green yard, letting my tomatoes wither and set up a tent in the mountains where I can live like a hermit until all this is over! After all the wine and beer are gone, after everything has been cleaned, and after all the guests have all flown back to their respective cities and towns, I am going to stay home every weekend for a year, read my Sunday paper, work in the shop and on my yard/garden. I am not going to plan one single fvcking event, outing, or trip. I am going to church on Sundays, yoga on Saturdays, visit a few galleries, and go see a film or three. I am not going to take on any more projects and I am going to spend my off hours reading, writing, making love, cycling, running, climbing, and building cabinets.

When my kids and grandkids decide to get married, I am going to do my dead level best to bribe them into eloping and will give them a lump sum of cash that would have been spent on their wedding/reception as a down payment for a home.

post written on and uploaded from my iPhone