Category: Climbing

Labor Day Weekend – 2017

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

I was at home for Labor Day weekend this year and spend the time working on the house and yard. I dug up a cubic yard+ of dirt where the garage walkway will be and then built concrete forms, added rebar, and welded wire for a 20′ X 4′ sidewalk pour next week.

 

 

 

 

I also took a couple of hours to rebuild a 10′ section of fence on our south side. A 40′ (12.2m) tree had grown through it from the neighbor’s yard. He let me cut it down a couple of weeks ago and rebuilding the fence was required.  Note: Stamps-With-Foot did not see me roped up, hanging in the harness, topping the tree, so I didn’t get in trouble for being a “stupid man” until later 🙂

Outdoors this summer with my son

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

A summertime fixture for my son’s summer visits has always been some time outside. We have canoed, hiked, ridden bikes across international borders, camped, road-tripped, National/State Park hopped, etc… This year was no different except we did those things in France.

We canoed along the Canal du Garone in my 2014 Father’s Day present – a Big green 3-person canoe. The Ruminator learned about the magic of portaging and that stinging nettles should not exist on this earth. We hiked into the Ariège Pyrenees, climbing 5900+ feet in 4.5 hours. That night we slept in an high alpine Refuge (his first), ate great food, and saw the most amazing mountain waterfalls, wildflowers, streams, and lakes. There were high green fields dotted with cows, sheep and goats before we walked above the tree-line and blue ice floating in the deep alpine lake at the base of the Refuge. It is a memory that I will carry with me for the rest of my days!

There was bike riding, lawn mowing (had to throw that in!!), soccer, long walks and one attempted swim session. He got turned away because he showed up with swim trunks to the pool and here in France you have to wear Speedos – no really, I swear. We also visited one of the prehistoric parks in the area (there are three?!) and got to throw spears at targets as part of one of the interactive displays. There were deer and bison 3D archery targets out in the field along with paper animal targets and we only learned that the 3D ones were just to look at and not to aim at. This information only came after one of my spears sailed over the bison’s neck, clearing it by 2 inches from 50 yards away. I got a stern warning…

Being outside with my kids is one of my true pleasures in this life (My daughter HATES backpacking and sleeping on the ground and is more of an RV girl). I look forward to many more years of it and the inclusion of more children and grand children.

Canoe 2014 (1)

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Carlton Summer 2014 Sport (1)

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Rock Climbing with the Lads

/ Matt Talley / 2 Comments

This May saw the 2012 Orthopedic Big-Belly Hillbilly Climbing & Beer Drinking Association Cragfest. It was held at Smith Rock, OR and in Mt. Shasta City, CA. This was the 9th sort of-annual gathering in the last 13 years for our little band of over-educated, misshaped, crippled, wannabe climbers, profound thinkers and powerful drinkers. We spent a long week climbing, eating & drinking hopped beverages (I gained 6lbs!!), there were murderous 6-8 mile hikes up to crags, some nudity, 5 snake sightings (one reptile death), no broken bones, some quality routes climbed, limited blood loss, heavy rocks snuck into packs, laughter, video games, gas, Squid Billies, more laughter, and quality time spent catching up on each others’ lives…. A fine week off with buddies and away from the J-O-B.

This year’s cast of characters included:

Taint: A native son of Southern California. Strong climber, but easily confused by tri-cams and large hexes. A world traveler and new father who needs 11 hours of sleep a night to function and has absolutely no short term memory – none. An easy target for pranks and very poor at retaliation. Had to cancel his participation on an OBBHC&BDA trip two years ago because he had 2nd degree burns on the soles of his feet after helping with/leading a fire walking “class.”

Dr. Strippy-Socks: A writing, climbing, painting, fiddlin’, designing, and docterin’ polymath who was gracious enough to open his mountain home up to our little band of miscreants. A man who has an amazingly talented and giving spouse that allows him out of the house in polyester shirts, a visor, short-shorts, tall socks and sandals. This in an individual who in the course of a conversation will quote bolt torque specs, reference an obscure Ska band, outline the ideology of specific band of Orcs, and review the symptoms for early onset CHF in middle aged men.

The Bridesmaid Whisper: A bright, smart, medical resident with a dry sense of humor that borders the Sahara. The strongest climber of the trip, a man who developed the definitive definition of a #2 Pencil and made me tinkle myself a little while laughing hysterically in my sleeping bag. He is a man that can walk into a wedding reception and in short order has to wade through a throng of drunken bridesmaids who need his body like the Pope needs Jesus.

Smooth&Boney: Is a man who can sit on the couch for years, then walk outside and send a 5.12 sport route. Any mention of Jessica Alba will send him into smiling, wild-eyed fits of joy, followed by some alone time. Poor at hiking with a pack and once cried when his belayer tooted on him a little, has gear that predates Columbus, his favorite outdoor technical fabric is jean denim, and is the father to three adorable girls – the middle one loves me more than her uncle Rosy! When not climbing or wading through the estrogen that fills his life, he is a Designer/Engineer/Manager for the snazziest tool corporations in the world, but has yet to pass any cool shinny metal stuff on to his friends.

The Lawn Enforcement Officer: Father to two pale yet happy children and husband to a wife he doesn’t deserve: a mix of Betty Crocker/Belladonna/Ellen Page. I am the short, fat, balding, yard-obsessed, hairy, practical joking chronicler of this tale who now lives in Seattle in a 1928 house that is forever under reconstruction. The winner of The Deep Belly Button Award this year – A prize given to the fattest climber in the group for a given year.

Not-A-Biker: A great climber, brother to Smooth&Boney, and a generous friend who looks more like his father with the passing of each day. A man about to embark on an odyssey that will take him and his sweet southern, gvn-toting bride into the wilds of Philadelphia for a 3 to 29 year medical residency. He is someone who will freely give prostate exams to his friends (perfect strangers too…), has a questionable web search history, and who should never be allowed to even sit on a motorcycle. Was pantsed (sic) this year in full view of the entire group.

Missing this year was THE Mark Flood. Mark is the only man that Chuck Norris masturbates to. He is the strongest climber and hiker that any of us know, a gifted engineer, a good natured friend and drinking companion, and one of the toughest people you will ever meet. I have seen him drink from green stagnate pools one the sides of cliffs without any intestinal backlash and there have been things that have gone into his belly that would make a billie goat puke.

He has become a whispered legend in some circles after snatching falling climbers out of the air – mid fall – and saving them from a quick brutal death – truth. To punctuate the description/picture of Mr. Flood: He couldn’t join us this year because while hiking out of what was surely an epic day of climbing, he fell on the steep trail and a piece of iron rebar was shoved into his knee joint!! He tied a hankie around it and finished the walk out… His presence was duly missed this year and we all pray that he will be there for the next gathering to keep us all honest and safe.

Thursday again

/ Matt Talley / Leave a comment

Spend an hour a day writing: I HAVE to finish my book on life in Germany. I have sat on it for WAY too long. I have set the office up so that I have a proper work space, free of distractions. I need to get up, have coffee, a bite to eat, and spend an hour typing. This means I will have to go to bed ~10:00 though…
For my dress shirts to be tailored: if I buy dress shirts off the rack I get 16/32 . Unless it is a new “slim fit” it fits fine across my back, shoulders, arms and neck, but around the waist I have a couple feet of material to crease, tuck, re-tuck, and hide. It looks sloppy if I take my suit jacket off. I would really like them taken in and button holes added to all so I can wear cufflinks. I know, petty uptown problems…
Get rid of some crap: I am on a binge to get rid of some of the crap we have accumulated in the last year. Do I really need a 4X8′ drafting table in the basement? How many backpacks does it take to be excessive? Do I need to keep all those fvcking back issues of Monocle and Outside?
Red tomatoes: Last year my tomato harvest sucked. I had 5 red tomatoes, 4 of them split on the vine, and all the rest remained green. I will not be having that shit this year! I planted early, have been lovingly tending to them all summer and if the warm weather is over, then I am putting a hoop-house over the beds until each and every one turns scarlet red.
Lumber: I could do with 50′ or so of 8″ wide popular planks. The final push on the kitchen will require some pull-outs installed and extra shelving put into existing cabinets.
Get off my ass: I have been traveling so much, missing runs and workouts in the gym, eating out, and scarfing down cookies like a junkie who has found a heroin tree. I have to get up, push away from my desk, and run/bike/lift/hike/climb and shed my cookie-handles.

Evil on the inside

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My dear friend Rosy is currently feeling the sting of retribution.  It is his own fault and really more the result karma then anything I might have done.  I HATE snakes and he thought it would be giggly funny to send me an e-mail with an embedded surprise snake video – it may have made me fling my iPhone and pee myself…  Unhappy does not cover my reaction.  Even before his giggling subsided, I began “Project Retaliation.”

Rosy has a beautiful and loving wife, supportive parents, friendly neighbors, and ultra religious in-laws.  I decided to deliver payback through these good people.  The thing about my core group of friends – The Arthritic, Big Belly,  Hillbilly Climbing Assn., is that we are occasionally mean to each other…  There have been forced birthday paddlings, blow-up sheep in restaurants, public ridicule, chain-mails, doctored pictures, co-conspirators, and certain gross misdemeanors committed in the name of good fun, love, and friendly vengeance.  This is shaping up to be one of the latter occurrences.

First, I went online and signed him up on the  Liberation Party website as wanting information and I gave them $10 in his name.  I used his wife’s email address for further contact – she has strong Republican sympathies and the rest of her family are Super-Tea Partiers.  Apparently, Rosy also gave the Tea-Party $10 and clicked every “send me updates and info” button that he could while making that donation…  My friend is now an official Lady GaGa Fan Club member and his picture and details are on one of the Justin Bieber freak/fan sites – they will be sending him periodic (hopefully daily) updates for all things Bieber.  I requested some dirty, dirty, adult toy catalogs for him and sent them to his parent’s address.  Then, a 1-year subscription to OUT! magazines was sent to Rosy via Amazon, but I used his conservative next door neighbor’s address.  Rosy will get a Bear of the Month-mail from now until the end of time and there were also literature requests for everything from hair-loss treatment to laser back hair removal to penile enlargement device specifications.  It really is the small things in life that make us happy.

A couple weeks later I got the text message below from his mom:

One might be tempted to think that I over reacted.  One would be wrong.  Rosy once contemplated releasing a live adult bison into my apartment because I teased him about his mom being hot and me having prior physical relations with her (I didn’t) – he actually looked at the logistics of getting the thing trailered in, really.  Rosy doesn’t have a stop or pause button – you have to decimate him to make it stop.  He fired the first shot in this little war and I had to retaliate with immediate and decisive force or there would have been more snake videos and pictures.  He will attempt some sort of well thought out retribution and I will then have to use the nuclear option: his turbo-religious in-laws.  Stay tuned…

a true polymath

/ Matt Talley

My friend, Dr. G, is a true renaissance man – a polymath, if you will.  I shall count just a few of the ways:  He has a BS & MS in Electrical Enginerding, is an MD specializing in Emergency Medicine, is a eloquent wordsmith, has MAD rock-climbing skills, is a fine builder and designer, and is an artist par excellence.  He has done a number of paintings over the years that I have really liked: the Red Nude hanging behind his couch, the naked running man in his Little Rock living room, a tiny sketch of a falling leaf “doodled” in a guide book margin, etc…  On a climbing trip last summer we stopped in at his place to recuperate, reorganize our gear, stock up on food, and drink beer.  While getting a tour of his Arts & Crafts bungalow (with a similar floor plan to our, though much larger) , I spotted a 3’X4’ canvas peeking out from behind a t-shirt in an upstairs bedroom and I was drawn to it.  The painting is a climbing self portrait, of sorts.  It is viewed from inside a wide crack, high up the side of some unknown wall.  He is trying to wedge a #4 BD Camalot into the crack in what would appear , by the sweat running down his face and by the intensity in which his brow is lifted , a last ditch effort to protect and anchor his progress after a long scary run-out.  We have all been there whispering, “please hold, please hold, PLEASE hold…”  while standing on a manky knob of choss, 50’ above the last placed piece of gear, and thinking about how bad it is going to hurt when you pop off and take a slide down the wall, stopping abruptly on a ledge or the not so cushy ground.   I stared at it for an unseemly amount of time and took a number of digital pictures of it before it was once again covered and leaned against the wall.  I thought about it that night as I lay in my sleeping bag and have thought about it often since then, having a digital copy running through the “my pictures” slide-show whenever my home or work computer goes to sleep.

I was recently at his wedding, which was a lesson on how nuptials should be done – full of laughter, good food, fine booze, and class to spare.  The morning after the big “do,” I caught Dr. G in a moment of weakness – right after he had signed a huge check paying for the event hall rental and while his head was still foggy with the glee of his wedding night.  I mentioned the painting and how much I liked it, how great it would look at my house, and how his new bride didn’t really feel that it fit with her choice of decor ( a complete lie on my part).  Before I could say another word he looked at me and said “it is yours.”  Uhhhh…  OK…  He was serious and even tried to make sure I really wanted it.  Fvck yes I wanted it!  I went 2 hours out of the planned route to pick it up at his house.   When I got the painting down stairs I teared up and cried.  I felt like a big ol’ titty-baby.  I sniffled as I loaded it up and called him again to say ‘thank you.’

I have looked at it for a while since I have been home and it makes me happy.  I smile remembering his face contorting while miming eating a stack of Oreo Cookies in the Wind River Mountains of Wyoming when we were starving for something other than dehydrated packaged food, how he sings a Jimi Hendrix song while crack climbing, and I fondly remember the time Dr. G caught me on the biggest climbing lead-fall I have ever taken.  More than anything though, I look at this canvas and think about the investment of time it was for a man with so many interests and responsibilities, the hours he spent crafting the pallet and studying his own face and hands.  I feel humbled by his friendship, talent, and generosity.

No-Go for the Iran Climbing Trip

/ Matt Talley / 12 Comments

I got a form letter last week from the AAC letting me know that I was not one of the 10 members chosen for the Climbing Exchange Program with the Iranian Alpine Club  (See previous post Sight-seeing and mountaineering in Iran – maybe ) I was REALLY butt-hurt about the selection process, but if it were meant to be then I would have been included.  I can only wish the best for those members going, hope they have in incredible time, touch new stone, see places and things that are new to western eyes, leave their hosts smiling, pray that they all return home safely, and are better people for having made the trip.

Santa Claus-like body fat percentage

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

As far as my overall fitness lever:  I have never worked this hard to look this bad!  I REALLY miss being 19.  The days of drinking lots of beer, eating crap, still looking decent, and performing at an elite level are GONE.  I am officially almost old and I have outrageous cookie-handles/spare tire, my arms have shrunk, and my body fat percentage is bordering on Santa Claus level.  The months of inactivity after the most recent surgery and gorging myself on coffee (triple Grande one pump mocha with whip…), 1-liter wheat beers, donuts, more beer, cookies, and brownies did little to prepare me for the coming summer.  I have been doing yoga at home weekly, but want to find a local class/studio to visit for a weekly or bi-weekly session.  Yoga really adds to my climbing and as I have decided to focus on my core (keeps me from stressing robo-shoulder) and my agility, it compliments the abundant AB work – which is not going well since I am starting from scratch again.  All the work last summer and fall was for naught. I am slowly working back into my pre-cartwheel down the stairs groove.

The Bionic Shoulder is doing SO much better.  I still need the second surgery, but it can wait – no serious rush – and I can do 15 push-ups without it hurting.  I have been real careful not to stress it as I am going to need it in as good a shape as possible if I snag a slot on the Alpine Club of Iran Climber Exchange trip that I am hoping to be selected for.  I am climbing all right, but I have been hesitant to frequent the rock gym or bounder on plastic holds.  I have found that it is REALLY easy to over train and tear something on plastic.

I have logged about 90 running miles in the last 6 weeks, Nike+ has helped with that, but I have been neglecting my two-wheeled mistresses.  I may have ridden 120 miles in the last 7 weeks…  It is my new commute and the spring rainy season.  The ride home has a shitty hill at the end of the 15mile ride and I have to fight traffic some so that puts me off, but more than that, the sun has been shy of late.  I am by no means a fair weather cyclist, it is just that rain + traffic + cold + hill = me screwing off instead of riding.  I have already paid the entrance fee for the annual Seattle to Portland ride, so I have to cowboy-up and get a bunch more training and commute mile behind me.  Speaking of rides: I am also signed up for a Duathalon in June, a couple of 10k road races and a half Marathon this summer, all in an attempt to keep myself on target for the STP ride, the possibility of climbing in Iran and to keep my cookie handles in check.

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Sight-seeing and mountaineering in Iran – maybe

/ Matt Talley / 1 Comment

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I have applied to be a part of a delegation of climbers that will visit Iran this fall.  Yes, yes, I understand the current geo-political crisis swirling around that country right now.  I have seen the protest videos, heard the speeches from all sides, but I view this trip as an opportunity to see places and people that very few of my climbing peers have laid eyes on since 1979 and not as part of any sort of comment or political statement.  This will be a chance to connect with other climbers on a personal level and show that regardless of where one might be from, ALL climbers and mountaineers are part of a single tribe.

One of the planned ascents is Mt. Damavand, on the south edge of the largest inland body of water on earth.  The peak is both the tallest mountain in Iran and the highest Volcano in all of Asia.  I would like to be a part of that for so many reasons, both altruistic and selfish in nature.  I want to see the vast rolling poppy fields to the south and the Caspian Sea to the north from the summit of Damavand.  I wish to feel new stone in my hands and I hope to sleep under new stars.  I won’t know any details about making even the first cut for a month or so, but I have stepped up my training anyway.  Wish me luck.

Evolution of the American Alpine Club

/ Matt Talley

Last week there was an American Alpine Club(AAC) survey e-mailed out asking members their opinions about the current state of the organization and how they would like to see the club evolve.  Being a member since 2004, I dutifully filled it out and sent it in, but it got me thinking about how I would really like to see the organization evolve. What are your thoughts? How would those of you who are members or past members do things differently if you were put in charge? My initial thoughts are below:

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Rescue Insurance: I would like to see a much better insurance offering. It seems like the Club could take its member rolls and negotiate a similar deal with a national/international carrier as The Alpine Club (UK) has. I would gladly increase my dues if it meant that I wouldn’t have to worry about the uninsured cost of toting my carcass off a mountain and its affect on family finances (I get to keep living in that scenario).

American Alpine Journal: I would like to see quality writing and editing to kick it up a notch or three and include: fantastic trip reports, relevant historical climbing/mountaineering articles and bios of great climbers. In addition to the lower writing standards, I have also noticed the last few years that the binding has gotten cheaper and cheaper. My 2008 and 2007 editions both have cracked bindings after just one read through and ’08 let go of some pages as I was reading. I would pay more for quality and it would warm the cockles of my dark soul it a hard cover edition was offered.

Accidents in North Am. Mountaineering: Is a sad, sad little pamphlet. I 100% agree with its mission, but the execution of that goal is wanting. How many people took falls in Eldo or in J-Tree that were not documented last year? Seven accidents that required a hospital trip that I know of and I live in Seattle! Yes, I understand that they can’t go asking hospitals because of patient confidentiality, but how hard would it be to have an e-mail address for accident reporting and for a staffer to do a little follow up? What about pinging the climbing community on SummitPost, mountainproject, and super topo? If you are going to go through the trouble and expense (my dues!) to produce something, then make it the best possible book you can.

Local events: The AAC does a poor job of hosting local events and getting climbers in the same region together. Find a hall (or better rent a Pub’s back room) in Golden/Co Springs/New Paltz/Vegas/J-Tree/Bay Area/Seattle/Portland/Salt Lake City/Orange County/etc… give a talk by a local than a national or international climber, put up some posters, sell back copies of the AAJ, raffle something off for a climbing charity (Himalayan Trust, Central Asia Institute, et al…) have snacks, advertize well and charge at the door to cover costs. Again, the idea is to get local climbers together.  While $200 a plate dinners can be nice, I prefer to attend one only if I can deduct the evening as a charitable donation OR if it happens to be in Paris or Venice and my wife is there sipping wine in a flowing dress.  I only personally know two climbers that could afford such an event, well that and the airfare+ hotel to attend.  The others could stretch those funds into a 6-week long trip food budget.  Local events, for local climbers, less than $25 to get in.

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Outside Mag is slipping

/ Matt Talley

I read about ‘Jack’s Big Adventure’ in the January 2006 issue of Outside. Apparently, Young Master Osbourne has decided to quit smoking tons of herb, roll off the couch, and got healthier (?). As part of this six month plan he decided to climb El Capitan in Yosemite. This is also part of a reality TV show called, Jack Osbourne – Adrenaline Junkie. The author of the article said something about him eating 5.10s for breakfast. It struck me as an advertisement for his TV show stuck in the middle of a magazine article. One would think that a magazine that has contributors like Rick Ridgeway, Paul Theroux, Ian Frazier, Mark Jenkins, Tim Cahill, E. Annie Proulx, Edward Abbey, and Jon Krakauer would appall such tactics. I was more than a little disappointed. For something like 27 years Outside Magazine has seemed to be committed to good writing and publishing feature articles from the above mentioned authors on a variety of outdoor, travel and adventure topics. The magazine has won 3 consecutive National Magazine Awards for General Excellence and has been nominated for the award sixteen times, so what in the HELL is an advert for Jack’s new TV show doing in the middle of it and labled as as artical?!?!

I would like to see Jack on the sharp end of a rope on ANY 5.10 in the Valley or in Joshua Tree (or any 5.8 in the ‘Gunks…). Yes, it is great that he lost some weight and his whining quotient has dropped considerably – but, being hauled up a route – no matter how classic – isn’t really climbing.